fifteen feet of pure white snow

a new blog...

2006-11-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

i'm sick of fucking blogger.

go to a popcorn machine turned polyrhythmic supercomputer to read the continued misadventures of your pure white snow heroin!

love you all and please keep reading!

the cynic.

2006-10-30T01:02:00.000-07:00

adore me?

fuck you! you can't adore me. you don't even know me.

adoration is so silly anyways. love me or hate but don't waste my time (or your own) adoring me.

what you feel for me is hardly adoration. you look down your nose at me like a silly child and i let you because i know what game you're playing. you and i both get off on it darling so i'll let it continue but don't fool yourself into thinking that i don't know how it really is.

you look so cute after you've lost it all over my face but it's the meaness in you i like. it's the meaness that keeps you in my life.

the way i figure it we're both pretty stupid.

but you don't adore me, so don't be so fucking glib about it all.

a verbal slap across the face makes us both feel better.

with...adoration?
michelle.

thanks friends.

2006-10-30T00:18:00.001-07:00

ha ha.
how true and necessary from time to time.

subway makes bad cookies.

2006-10-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

i had a nice evening. i had a glass wine and it made me a little tipsy. i sat and watched most of a very interesting documentary and then i watched this movie called "A ma soeur! (fat girl)" and truthfully, it was pretty boring. just because it's french and there's full-frontal male nudity doesn't make it good.

but that's not what i want to talk about. i want to talk about something IN the movie. usually i save what i'm about to talk about for i masturbate but i'm more curious about this than aroused by it...

so i was watching that "fat girl" movie (irrelevant title by the way) and the fat girl's sister meets this italian boy whom she falls head over heels in love with in about 2.4 seconds. trouble is she's a version and he's older and pushy. she's not willing to have sex with him just yet-on moral grounds-but he somehow manages to convince her that having anal sex isn't the same as 'regular' sex and 'taking in the back' isn't losing your virginity.

cue sister trying to sleep in the same room but having difficulty due to the obviously in pain sister screaming in the bed across the room.

thinking back to losing my virginity (which truthfully, didn't hurt a bit) i can't imagine having anal sex before vaginal sex. i can't imagine anyone convincing me that anal sex wasn't a moral issue if, to me, vaginal sex was.

boys, is this a commonly used line if a girl's unwilling to 'give it up' as readily as you'd like? does this fall into the same catagory as "look how hot you make me baby, you don't want me to have to get myself off do you. that would be gross" or "it hurts too much. i'll get blue balls!"

curious.

anyways, i know it's just a movie and all but you think this girl would have known that anal sex-when you're feeling pressured especially- can be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more painful than vaginal sex...

discuss.

scarification.

2006-10-15T02:17:00.000-06:00

that's the big news.

and the next step i suppose.

according to the bme encyclopedia:
Cutting is one of the two most common types of scarification (see also: Skin Removal). Cutting consists of drawing a predefined design on the skin via usage of a surgical blade or scalpel. Cutting for negative emotional reasons is considered self-harm.

let's repeat that: cutting for negative emotional reasons is considered self-harm.

that's not what we're getting up to here. i'm getting cut for really positive reasons.

some back story:
i've got some tattoos and some piercings, i'm no longer scared off things based on pain alone.

ryan my fantastic piercer posted a bulletin on myspace that he was learning how to do scarification and wanted some living breathing people to cut open for a reasonable price (scarification is usually HELLA expensive) and i got curious. i didn't decided right away that i was going to do it. i did a bunch of research and went in and talked to ryan, looked at the scapel, and finally decided i was down, or up, or whatever. the thing is, i really trust ryan. he's had needles and hands on all the most intimate parts of my body and never once have i felt uncomfortable or have i been put in needless pain or felt pressured to do anything i didn't want to do. i got my hood pierced cuz i wanted it and now i'm doing this cuz i want it.

and it is a postive thing. life leaves scars on our body so we may as well embrace them and make them our own and embrace life's power to leave it's mark. yes, i'm pushing it a step forward but it's exciting.

i'm also super stoked on the artwork. i'm getting three sparrows (traditional american tattoo style) on my left thigh. in my research i came to discover that sparrows were awarded to sailors based on the distance they had travelled. each sparrow tattoo was equivalent to 5000 nautical miles travelled.

three sparrows=15 000 nautical miles.

no, i haven't travelled 15 000 nautical miles in my 25 years on this planet but fuck, life's a journey and triangles are a nice shape. : ) i may as well document the journey however long it's going to end up being.

it's an adventure.

got questions? ask me and don't make assumptions about my emotional state or a love of pain...

i told a former sexual partner of mine about it and he told me he'd come and cut me up for free if i all wanted to get hurt. that's bullshit. fucking pissed me off. this is going to be a really intense and positive experience for me and i just want people to understand that. i'm not asking you to do it to or even like that i'm doing it. keep your fucking judgements to yourself and if you've got questions, ask me. i'll answer them as best i can.

much love on this fine evening.

michelle.

it's all pretty...

2006-10-15T02:05:00.000-06:00

i dunno...random?

-i went to cirque du soliel tonight. i was ok. i wanted more CIRCUS and less music. cirque music a bit cheesy and better when background to a kick-ass-death-defying-aerial adventure.

-oprah winfrey makes me want to kill people. here she is: wealthy, powerful and a powerful influence on A LOT of women and she can't even say the word "vagina".
i don't generally watch oprah but i was sick and the idea of doing anything besides laying on the couch zoning out with the tv on was pretty impossible so i ended up watching oprah. sue me. or kill me, actually. so the show is about women's health and aging. whatever. an audience member stands up and asks oprah about vaginal dryness. oprah herself, is not a doctor, so she passes the question onto her doctor guest but before she does that she decides to discuss vaginas in general but does she use the word vagina?

NOPE.

she uses the word VAJAYJAY.

VA-JAY-JAY. say it with me people. VA-JAY-JAY. we're all grown ups here, god forbid we use the proper words to describe our genitalia.

dear oprah,
thanks for being the idiot i always knew you were.

it's called a VAGINA!

xo,
michelle kennedy

-i'm pretty sure superchannel is the new old school. remember when all the cool and/or rich kids in your school had superchannel and you didn't? yeah, i sure do. i'll always remember how rad it was to go on holidays and after a long day of doing whatever you got to come back to the hotel room and watch a movie on superchannel. it wasn't even a fucking rented movie! it was just there!

i was driving past this old old motel the other day and i noticed they had a sign advertising "all rooms with superchannel/air conditioning!" and i wondered if super channel was still awesome. is it? cuz if it is i suddenly feel way less cool than all of my friends and want that shit. lemme know asap, cool?

yeah, that's all. i got some news but it deserves a post of it's own so check back, yo! check. back.

xo michelle

p.s. "rize" is the shit! WATCH THAT MOVIE, STAT! you'll thank me and possibly get krump in your living room.

rainy days

2006-10-04T23:48:00.000-06:00

it's always the person you least expect who'll make you feel like a million bucks when you need it more than ever.

poor sentance structure aside, thanks person i least expect. part of me always knew you'd come in handy.

2006-10-04T23:18:00.000-06:00

so i haven't felt this sick for a while. the couch and my bed are the only places i want to be.

anyone wanna come over and snuggle and make me feel better?

please?

an update.

2006-09-28T23:36:00.000-06:00

i finally finally finally updated i masturbate and you should too with a DIRTY (?) little story about fucking my tattoo artist. if you're not into hearing my fantasies about this man don't read it. if you don't want to hear about bums and vags and fingers and cocks and facials and me, don't read it; but if you do well then...read on.

xo michelle.

so yeah...

2006-09-25T23:18:00.000-06:00

so i promised some extensive blogging (like anyone cared) and i have decided i will not deliver on that promise.

i will leave concert reviews to those better equipped and more knowledgeable. i will say that both greg macpherson and final fantasy were amazing and i am pretty excited to sit down with the faunts new album and a joint. should be a pleasant time.

i will say re: the faunts, however, that their cd release party was too much for me to take on friday night. i was not in the mood for ambient waves and feeling the bass vibrations in my piercings and organs. we left a bit before their set was done but i'd wager that the faunts are probably one of the best bands in the city.

saturday night was eli's going away party. mostly it was ridiculous and therefore a fantastic send-off. i rekindled a long lost love of gin and speaker dancing and painted my friends (and probably some strangers) with fuck-me-red lipstick kisses.

let me just say publically that i am going to miss eli. he's been a good friend to me in the short year or so we've known each other and i wish him and the super adorable leah nothing but the best of luck in the big bad city. i know the future holds nothing but bright things (and visits from me-the brightest thing of all...ha ha) for them both. edmonton and i will miss you eli.

the end.
michelle.

heads up.

2006-09-25T11:26:00.000-06:00

i am going to post a lot of blogs today.

there will be concert reviews and a discussion of the weekend. perhaps an up-to-the-minute discussion? it was a pretty fun weekend...

i'll probably edit this and post some links.
there will also be pictures at some point too...

xo michelle.

p.s. d-are you still around? still reading?

when the trickster starts a-pokin'

2006-09-15T23:31:00.001-06:00

further to the last post:

lunch was GREAT.
like old times.

i just watched "everything is illuminated" again and i continue to be struck by something in the movie: 'your past is always beside you. and inside you. it's on the inside looking out.'

i paraphrase but you get the idea.

my past. the part of me that will always love him looked out through new eyes and saw only the old friend. she saw the love too but she knew that was past.

god. holy emo. holy crappy poetic crap.

you get the idea. past is past. present is rad.

i'm really happy with my life right now. not that there is anything earth shatteringly amazing or anything. i am not in love, a friend will soon move away, my job is what it is, the theatre thing is on vacation right now; but things are really fucking good.

i think i'm just...appreciating?
maybe 25 IS rad.

love love
michelle.

more or less of a good thing.

2006-09-12T11:25:00.000-06:00

well, i'm officially 25 and have been for a little bit more than 24 hours. i'm doing ok. feeling the tug of sentimentality and wishing i had one of those special people to spend my day with but hey, i had my family and nick and for that i'm pretty fucking grateful.

today is going to be hard. or strange. or both, more probably.

i'm having lunch with that person who occupied so many whiney emo posts and i'm sitting here flashing back to two years ago when we would often sit across a table from one another and talk and sit in silence and it was...wonderful.

things have changed. my heart broke. i broke my heart and we haven't seen each other for a long time. too long probably. and i'm sure it's going to be fine, probably great but at the same time i'm preparing for the sting of seeing him again and of him telling me how much he's in love with her and how it's so wonderful being back here living with her...gah.

you know, it's funny, i think people think that i like being into people in relationships but that's UNTRUE...truthfully, i have never been interested in anything (besides sex, but that's a different story for a different blog) with someone in a relationship. i'm sure there are girls out there who think i've wanted to steal their boyfriends away or whatever but that really isn't the case. i don't like it. for as much of a masochist as i may be (and even that's debatable) i don't actually enjoy being infatuated with someone so totally unreachable. crushes on strangers and passing interest aside, of course...

but this guy was different, i loved him more than i cared that he loved someone else and that it hurt so much.

so here i am 35 minutes before our pre-arranged meeting time and i'm equal parts excited and ready for the worst hour or so of my life... we were close close friends and i'm excited to see an old friend but at the same time i loved him so much that it ruined me and eviscerated my delicate little heart.

so we'll see...

xo michelle.

ambition.

2006-09-04T23:44:00.000-06:00

so the inimatable eli got me thinking about ambition and how we end up where we are.

before i continue go read eli's blog. CLICK THE LINK!

i'm generally neurotic when it comes to commenting on people's blogs and only do it when i feel COMPELLED to. this morning i was compelled...

so this is what i had to say:

"I think I'm just stoked on music. Can it be that easy?"

why not? we should all be so lucky to get to work surrounded in something we love.

i think it's funny that the word 'ambitious' is often seen as a prejorative. ambition keeps us moving, breathing, dreaming and working towards what we know in our hearts we NEED to live.

what would our lives be like without ambition?

August 31, 2006 10:25 AM

eli replied:

I don't think I'm denying the NEED for ambition, but rather questioning its role in my life; whether or not it really WAS ambition that drove me, or just the stoked-ness about music.

August 31, 2006 10:41 AM

here's what i think: i think that at some point ambition is what takes a hobby/stoked-ness out of the basement, out of the realm of hobby, and takes it to the point were it becomes something that you WANT to do for life. i mean, i could definately direct plays from time to time while doing whatever else...keep it as just a 'hobby' or whatever. eli, couldn't you have gone to law school straight out of your undergrad, and just been stoked on music and done shows with black dot from time to time? anything is possible and at some point ambition swings in, mixes with love and hobbies and pushes it out of the possible into the actual.

or at least that's what i think.

i was once told that my drive was intimidating. part of me laughed at this and part of me really made me wonder...can my ambition ever become a problem?

i AM ambitious when it comes to my 'career' or what i want as a career... i can't imagine myself doing anything else and directing/producing is NOT something that happens without me making it happen.

god, i've been writing this blog over so many days i have totally lost my train of thought.

i guess the point of of everything is that for me, in my mind, ambition is what turns our passions into our lives. i'm pretty sure ambition and passion/hobby can exist side-by-side and even intersect from time to time making life quite fun.

if i ever stop hating theatre i'll go to law school and my ambition will die with my passion...(or something)

xo m.

post-coital bliss.

2006-08-30T16:50:00.000-06:00

the fringe has wrapped.

like a nice little present. everything is gone. the set is in the garbage. front of house totals have been totalled and the whole money thing has been figured.

how do i feel about it all?

well, we made a little bit of money.
i'm happy with how the show turned out.
we experience one hell of a terrible review...or nick did, at least.
and most of us got our first taste of the fringe.

the fringe...a weird weird beast. hanging around the fesitival and seeing shows and experiencing the way the artists treat each other was intense. it's hardly the fringes of the theatre scene. if it were we'd all be far more supportive of each other and the the spirit of competition would be far less obvious. it's not that people don't support each other cuz they do but it's in a weird way...

example:

me: hey, how's it going?
them: good. i'm coming to your show tomorrow.
me: awesome! thanks!
them: if you're coming to mine you should be there early, we're selling out every night!

don't mistake me though, that certainly isn't everyone and people that are actual friends were NEVER like that and totally grateful to you for coming to their show. it was just this feeling that permeated the festival. the beer gardens were full of not-so-yet-trying-to-be subtle bragging.

also, handbilling sucks.

postering was ok when i had someone to do it with.

overall the fringe isn't FUN. it's fun for audiences but not for artists. i think for most people it's a grueling 10days of worry. i think all of us could pin-point the exact second when we got sick of the fringe.

on the other hand, FRINGE IS FUCKING RAD! i'm so thrilled to have 'won' the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing festival and to see some really amazing theatre ('the centering'...hello!). we made a little bit of cash and we all got a lot of positive feedback from people who saw the show.

did a million people see the show? no. did we make mad cash? nope. do i care? nope. truthfully, and this is probably going to sound like some seriously arty bullshit, but if the (300 odd) people who came and saw the show had a positive interaction with it then seriously, i'm thrilled. money is nice but it's the not the be all and end all and it certainly wasn't my goal.

i'm definately starting to feel the post-show blues. GayFace has been with me, in some capacity, for the past what? 14 months. that's year plus of my life! and i have (mostly) LOVED every single second of it. i am so grateful to nick for asking me to work with him on it. GayFace was his baby and i feel such a joy to have ever been part of it.

it's hard to think of what's next. next is daunting. i know what it is but to start it means another LONG commitment to a show and to fundraising and publicity and to trying to put together a group of people VERY unused to working together. but, i want this so it's going to happen.

thank you to everyone who supported this endeavor of ours. i don't have the words to express my gratitude to all of you.

xo michelle.

so...hmmm...

2006-08-22T13:55:00.000-06:00

i know i haven't posted for a while.
it's not that stuff hasn't been going on...cuz it has been. it's just that there's things that i can't talk about...

i like blogging-still-and i like the idea of this thing as a 'diary' of sorts. i'm not a big journal person and the occasional comment is nice because that way i know there are people out there who understand what i'm saying or going through or worrying about or whatever...solidarity, y'know?

but the point is there are things i want to talk about publically (ie: not on private on myspace) but can't because some of the shit on my mind right now has to do with people who read this blog...

anyways, i'm full of questions about friendship and sex and relationships and so many other things. none of it 'depressing' but all of it really important. i need to figure some stuff out-this summer has changed things and me and yeah...it's rad, mostly, because so many things are WAY clearer...and yet so much more unclear.

bonjour, je m'appelle princess vague.

i'm just so in love with so many things right now and with a sense of clarity. i'm also sorta in love with this crazy confusion as well.

go me!

xo xo michelle.

p.s. TIGA is making me SO happy right now.

FRINGE 2006!

2006-08-17T11:01:00.000-06:00

the 25th annual edmonton internation fringe festival and mischief and mayhem theatre proudly present:

GayFace
written by nick green
directed by michelle kennedy
starring nick green and landon miller
stage managed by anna wood
designed by daniela masellis
publicity by adam rozenhart
poster designed by raymond biesinger

venue: stage #4: homes by avi. cosmopolitan music society (8426-103st)

dates/times:
midnight thursday august 17
noon saturday august 19
6:45pm sunday august 20
6:45pm tuesday august 22
11:15pm thursday august 24
4:00pm sunday august 27.

all tickets $10.

tickets go on sale 15 min after the show prior begins. get there early. ABSOLUTLEY NO LATECOMERS ADMITTED none. seriously.

GayFace ran at nextfest in june to rave reviews and we're really excited to open it up to new and bigger audiences.

come out and support local independent theatre. i'll give you a hug! any more questions please do not hestitate to drop me a line here, at mischief and mayhem theatre, by telephone (780-717-8311) or via email (michellenancy@gmail.com).

love, love, love. michelle.
p.s. how fucking sexy is that poster?!

can't sleep?

2006-08-14T00:44:00.000-06:00

me either.

here's why

things have been kinda all over the place of late. things with friends and lovers (or not, actually), enemies and all the thoughts that go along.

i've just been wondering. a lot. being back at work this past week has given me the time to contemplate. what i've been contemplating remains secret. there are changes on the horizon in everything from business to friendships to how i'm percieved...the whole nine yards.

or ten yards.

or whatever...

the point is i have been having a LOT of trouble sleeping lately and i sort of wish i were high right now. i'm not. although this post might make you believe otherwise.

the people who live above me have small kids and are also probably very fat. i hear intermittent soft light quick footsteps and heavy slow footsteps.

there is an odd mix of folks in my building and i know none of them. i make all my judgements based on the old people i've seen, that one weird/creepy dude and the vespa parked near me.

anyone want to go for breakfast one of these days. i'm close to both b's and route 99 diner. seriously.

anyways, i should put this rambling to an end.
someday i should post a blog that is entirely stream of conciousness. ha ha.

xo m.

haven't i passed the quarter mark in my life already?

2006-08-08T13:44:00.000-06:00

seriously. i'm not going to live to be 100 so in theory 25 shouldn't be my quarter life crisis. i figure i'll live to be 80-ish so i should've had my quarter life crisis somewhere between the ages of 20 and 22.

yay!

ok so i'm not having a quarter life crisis but i am thinking a lot lately. about a lot of stuff. and not just little stuff but the BIGGIES...

1. the FUTURE.

what a fucking scary word. future. it's weighed down by so much: all of our individual experiences and hopes, other people's hopes for us, access to the infrastructure required to achieve our 'potential', who we surround ourselves with, etc. the variables are endless and truthfully i just want to narrow them all down to 'stuff' and just let that be the end of it.

so MY future is looking...cloudy. but cloudy in a way i can deal with. there are a lot of things on the horizon and a lot of choices that will soon have to be made. school? and if so, where and what will i study...where will i live? with whom shall i live? will i stay in edmonton? so much to think about.

2. POLITICS

for a long time i was pretty convinced of where i saw myself on the whole political spectrum but the more i talk the more i realise that things are not as clear cut as i'd once imagined. it's not as if i am going to jump on the neo-conservative bandwagon, marry a u.s. military officer and vote bush as soon as i'm a citizen; hell, i'm still not even going to vote liberal but i just need to figure out where i stand, or if i am ok standing on shakey ground and just not knowing sometimes. the most radical answer can't always be the right one for me...right?

3. SEX

aside from the fact that i think about sex pretty much all the time i've recently been forced (forced?) to think about sexual relationships and how they exist outside the actual act of sex. the lovely landon said to me last night, 'y'know michelle. i don't think it's possible to never get attached to the people you've had sex with-even when you think you aren't' and in a lot of ways i agree. if nothing else they cross your mind from time to time-perhaps even in connection with other partners. i look back on all the people that i have had sex with (which isn't that many) and i realise that some part of me was attached to all of them. even the most anonymous of the bunch means something to me-i can't help but think of him in connection with george w. bush...tee hee. yeah, so connection. i dunno. it's a weird thing to give your body to someone and ask for nothing in return. i suppose they do the same thing so that's what you get in return. no expectation is the gift. or something...i dunno. i guess i've never had truly anonymous sex so who knows...

4. RELIGION

the other night at about 2:00am i was sitting wide awake watching northern exposure* and there was this scene when joel had to say a Kaddish for his uncle and he needed nine other jews in order to do it. 10 jews were brought in from all over alaska but joel said no because he didn't know them and his uncle's death meant nothing to them. so anyways, he said the Kaddish with the members of his community, none of them jewish but all of them important to him. i wept.

so this little moment from television circa 1993 and now in my DVD player has got me thinking about God and god and religion and spirituality and what my relationship to the whole thing is. i was baptized catholic and grew up going to church and getting communion and all that jazz until high school. i some point i stopped believing. i'm not sure if i ever stopped believing in God, because i'm not sure if i ever believed in God. especially not the God that they taught us about in church and in school.

so i went on happily agnostic for the last what...7 years until the other night when i find myself weeping at a 'fake' display of faith and community and i starting wondering what i believed. it knocked me hard on my ass and i have absolutely no answers. i answer something for myself and in its place pops up 7 more.

i know this. the whole 'accepting jesus as my personal lord and saviour thing' does NOTHING for me. i think jesus is a nice story but that's about it. a parable at best...

i think i'm going to do some investigating about religion. see if anything catched my fancy.
here's something funny: when i was 10 (or thereabouts) i puked all over the back of a pew during mass.

gah...

i just don't know. i guess this is the stuff you're suppose to think about.

discuss friends. discuss.

xo michelle.

*northern exposure is pretty much the greatest show ever made thus i continue my love affair with all things early/mid nineties. ;)

to the tune of 'silent night'

2006-08-04T11:38:00.000-06:00

silent night
broken night
all is fallen when you take your flight
i found some hate for you
just for show
you found some love for me
thinking i'd go
don't keep me from crying to sleep
sleep in heavenly peace

silent night
moonlit night
nothing has changed nothing is right
i should be stronger than weeping alone
you should be weaker than sending me home
i can't stop fighting to sleep
sleep in heavenly peace.

holy. fuck.

at the end of damien rice's eskimo is this.
acapella. a woman who's name i'd tell you if i had the album here.
it breaks my heart in all the right ways and in all the right places.

find it. listen to it.
let it kill you.

xo michelle.

a new home.

2006-08-03T19:42:00.000-06:00

it's not victoria but i like it.

come visit me. i like buzzing people in.

m

poop! bag?

2006-07-31T22:35:00.000-06:00

poop is the bear.

my clown wonders if perhaps her name isn't bag. bag?! wtf?

anywayz.

so these past three weeks have been amazing. seriously amazing.

about two years ago i had a TERRIBLE performance experience where the worst of it wasn't even the broken foot. when it was all said and done i wasn't very interested in ever performing again. yes, i've done small things here and there but mostly i have shyed away from the stage. yesterday reminded me of why i loved performing in the first place.

it was so great to look out into the audience and connect with strangers and friends and understand that we were all there for the same reason. i know this sounds cheesy but whatever, fuck it, it's true. we were connected and that felt fucking amazing. seriously, i'm entertaining thoughts of theatre school again. acting school. seriously. fucked. up.

the other really awesome thing was that all the people who i wanted there were there (and a few extra's too) and the weird thing about that is that save for one exception those people were not the people who i would have wanted there a year ago. did that make sense?

i suppose i was just struck (again) by how much life has changed over the past year and how happy i am for the changes. i pretty much have the greatest friends ever in the world.

xo michelle.

p.s. i also have a new unattainable crush which is awesome!

step. touch. step. touch. fist. pump. step. touch. step. touch.

2006-07-29T00:10:00.000-06:00

dance. dance. dance.

so i was in a particularly shitty mood this past wednesday.
there are friends who can attest to that too. some saw me cry on their doorstep and others were forced to promise me a hug at first sight.*

the point is i was feeling particularly shitty and i have awesome friends who listen (and let me cry and kiss me better) and who throw dance parties just when i need them.

i did not want to go out. i wanted to do the errands i had to do for the next day's press conference (seriously...) and then go home, get stoned, lie in bed, listen to the weakerthans and cry.** i wanted to lament the fact that i am incapable of doing everything at once and let me tell you something friends, i sure wish i was.

but i packed all my 'drug paraphenalia', and i had these goddamn tickets to goddamn mstrkrft so i HAD to go. if i'm nothing else i'm cheap and i like to say, 'yeah...i was there...' when people talk about awesome shows. ha ha.

so instead of crying i met tash and we went to mstrkrft. it was raining and i parked badly but once we got inside we ran into some lovely people, made condom balloons and lightened our spirits.

THEN i danced my fucking ass off. i was a ball of sweat and it felt so good to leave all the shit i was feeling all over the floor at the starlight room. i probably didn't look hot (i'm SURE i didn't look hot) but i did what i had to do.

i'm also really glad i got to go and see/hangout with people i really like. my patience for intolerable shitty people is lower than usual these days and it's nice not to have to fake anything or make small talk with some vapid bitch who i just happen to run into.

does that qualify as a concert review?
some notes on the show perhaps?

ok. the stupid slanty floor made my hips hurt. otherwise. 4 hours of super fun! nothing bad to say. well, i WOULD like to see THE juan mclean play a live set but other than that...awesome!

xo michelle.

*thanks boyz!
** EMO!

fear and self-loathing in edmonton

2006-07-25T00:04:00.000-06:00

like the movie only this movie has nothing to do with drugs.

rock bottom though.

and hitting it. which i think i just did.

i was given an assignment for clowning: do contour and gesture drawings of all four sides of your face then strip naked and do the same for your entire body.

simple enough.

i did my face last week and it was fine. fun, actually; i found shadows i didn't know i had.

i did the naked part tonight. just now in fact. and i share this with you friends:

that was the single most humilating moment of my entire life and no one was around to point and laugh. i feel and look disgusting and i hate my body. i HATE it. i don't want it anymore. even my gorgeous tattooed arm looks shitty carpeted in a thick layer of fat.

i hate myself. i hate the way i look.

i'm not writing this because i want you all to feel sorry for me and leave me comments of support. i am writing this because i have to for myself.

things need to change. immediately. i never want to see my naked body ever again and i never want anyone to touch me ever again.

why on earth does my instructor think that's a good assignment?

clowns are suppose to think they are the centre of the universe and no one is more beautiful than them. i can't see how this is going to happen since i was forced to confront head on how completely disgusting i am.

i guess i'm posting this so you all can be privy to my humiliation or something...

economy...

2006-07-17T23:25:00.000-06:00

first i want to make mention of my previous post. i was mad. really mad (obviously) and i want to apologize for the harshness of the post. i'm not taking it down because i meant it. i hate feeling taken advantage of and i hate feeling like someone is pretending around me for no reason at all.

my life and this person's life never intersect. we don't have mutual friends and our lives are completely different at this point. please don't think that it was directed at you (any of you...)-you're awesome. this girl is someone i rarely see anymore..

just don't waste my time.

so yeah, apologies for the harshness.

that being said...

i've been relatively incommunicado these past few days (week) as i am immersed in this clowning/mask/performance workshop. it's really amazing. i'm exhausted but i adore being in an environment where i am free to create all the time. all i have to do is work and honour my needs, whatever they may be. it's amazing to feel at peace and in contemplation with my own creative process and i'm seeing door being blown totally open.

does it make me want to get out there and be an actor again? not really, but it's definately giving me some awesome tools with which to talk to actors and ways to approach rehearsal.

i like it. i like being excited about theatre. it's good. i get soooo bogged down in all the bullshit and politics that i forget that i love it. i love plays and hanging out and working with people i really care about on projects we all really care about.

fuck, it's exciting!

plus, i get to paint and play with clay and get dirty and roll around on the floor. it's fucking kindergarten! ;)

xo michelle.

p.s. i hope you're all well. there's good things in the air for people i really really adore so hug them for me.

drunk rage.

2006-07-13T23:43:00.000-06:00

gah, i'm fucking pissed off. and drunk. but mostly pissed fucking off.

i HATE feeling like i was used. like the time i spent on cultivating a frienship was wasted time. god, why even bother if months later you're not ever going to look twice at me and your hello's are done out of politeness and a sense of obligation.

fuck that shit.

seriously, it's hot, i'm tired and i have NO fucking patience for you or your bullshit.

i guess my hellos are cursory too but fuck, i respond to what i'm given and i thought we were friends...

a chance. a game?

2006-07-10T00:01:00.000-06:00

hey friends.

so post secret seems to have opened up the well of secret telling and i dig it.

so in the spirit of that and in the spirit of copying everyone everywhere i propose a little game:

tell me a secret. keep it anonymous or don't. just don't be scared. i don't have any kind of ip tracker or anything so your secrets are safe.

enjoy what freedom this may offer...

xo michelle.

the perfect storm

2006-07-07T20:20:00.000-06:00

just before the storm i was driving home feeling sentimental.

the clouds were rolling in, the sky was turning black and the smell. clean.

a calm before the storm.

on the stereo: tim hecker. somehow perfect. haunting. almost like there was thunder in the mix.
i sat at a street light and stuck my head out the window. it felt like a moment in a movie i'd really like.

it's raining now, pouring actually. washing off the heat of the week and only making me feel more sentimental. and better too.

the perfect storm.

the exboyfriend swagger

2006-07-03T22:18:00.000-06:00

we all have it.

that moment when you see your ex across a crowded _____ (movie theatre, in my case) and you walk a little taller with a little more bounce. you weren't expecting to see them so you want to look the best you can right?

i saw my ex on friday. at the movie theatre. i was with my mom. i swaggered. seriously, i had to. it's not because i still have feelings for him or because i bear him any ill will or because i saw him and thought, 'well, this is what he gave up!'...

none of that shit. i just wanted to look positive.

he didn't see me. we didn't talk. that wasn't the point. the point was the swagger.

what am i talking about?

xo michelle.

WILCO

2006-07-03T22:03:00.000-06:00

wilco w. elliot brood
june 29, 2006
jubilee auditorium

gah...i wish i had words to describe the awesome of both wilco and elliott brood.

i will say this, jeff tweedy is amazing. broken foot and all. he is a man who has obviously come to terms with who he is and all the shit that the band has faced and he no longer needs ANY bullshit frontman rockstar posturing.

the best thing was that despite the abundance of long 'jams' it NEVER felt masturbatory. (not like ...trail of dead)

seriously, i just fucking loved wilco.

most of us can never hug jeff; he's on stage.

2006-06-27T14:32:00.000-06:00

according to thurston moore:

"he thinks maybe barking dogs are laughing! he thinks maybe the world is some sort of kitten. he still thinks we're serious. word magic. and we're lucky he can sing it so sweet. "

jeff tweedy.

Laughs*

the greatest songs
are never sung
but the grass
gets cut
and spelled
in children's hands
how the sun is yellow
but also cold and sutured
...blue

the best laughs
never leave your lungs
and the best life
is art
never made

/life is brimming with anticipation and we're fueled by all the things that remain inside us.
i hate that there are people apologizing for caring for someone or feeling like those moments were wasted.

a phone conversation from last night left me feeling sad. longing for something. for a time when i never have to apologize. when WE never have to apologize for anything.

someday.

in the meantime there's jeff tweedy.
and wilco on thursday. maybe i will hug him.

xo michelle.

*this poem comes from a collection of jeff tweedy's poetry called adult head. it's published by ZooPress. you should probably go to your local independant book seller and buy it!

plink. plonk. plink. plonk.

2006-06-24T21:16:00.000-06:00

i was just standing there.
smiling.
drunk.

realising how fucking lucky i am.

a year ago my life was COMPLETELY different.

it's amazing what a little time can do.

xo michelle.

edmitten ink. (the tattoo saga pt.___)

2006-06-20T14:27:00.000-06:00

this isn't a repost from myspace. i just liked the title...

anyways, thus concludes the tattoo saga...for the time being. my sleeve is officially finished. sure, i'll need some touch ups in the next couple of months but that's it. it's done. the end of a fucking era or something...

admittedly, i'm kind of sad about it being finished. if nothing else it was something to look forward to. i remember back in october when it was an outline. i remember every step of the way and i'm changed because of it.

it's kind of embarassing but i'm tearing up a little because of it. i mean, i feel like it's made me a more confident person. not because it makes me feel all fucking hardcore or super punkrock or anything (because it doesn't) but because it makes me feel beautiful and by doing it i have forced people to look at me. it's made me the kind of person who doesn't mind people looking at her. or at least part of her. i'm not a confident person but i'm confident in my arm and my decision to get it done. and that's a big something.

also, i really really liked going to urge every month or so and hanging out with johnny for a few hours and just being sort of away from my life. there's something to be said for a relationship like that...it's like sex with a different kind of penetration. how could i have done this and loved it like i do had johnny not been such an awesome person. fuck how good he is at what he does, which he is, to me the kind of person he is is as important.

i'm just babbling at this point. i'm really really really happy with how it came together and how amazing it looks.

i guess i'll just have to start thinking about my back..

*smooch*
m.

good friend?

2006-06-16T08:42:00.000-06:00

in case you were under some false impression that i might actually be a nice person i have something in writing to prove that i am not.

apparently instead i am :

a falsely-insured, self-involved, corporate patsy happy to let others suffer to prevent my subsidized lifestyle be put in even the slightest jeopardy.

so yeah...

icing on the cake...

2006-06-13T00:35:00.000-06:00

i'm an insane person.

2006-06-11T02:17:00.000-06:00

helen, i apologize. we just met and here i am being insane all over your lovely blog...

anonymous:

i LOVE the idea of never being in love again...

anonymous:
(a mere minute later)

i prefer to sleep with men in relationships because they don't expect me to care.
(or something more/less eloquent to that effect).

michelle.

i'm scared.

that one is probably the truest.

the thing is i wasn't expecting all of this. the return of the wonder kid has reminded me that i am not 'over' him. truthfully, i'm not sure i even believe in 'over'.

all i want to do is run. the last time i got on a plane and now i want to do the same thing. maybe i should confront the situation head-on, say something like:

michelle.

boy, i love you. it sucks and it means i can't have you in my life.

maybe i just can't have him in my life.
that sucks though. for almost 2 years he was the most important person in my life. my BEST fucking friend. i see him and my heart skips and breaks and now i feel like i'm being cold and a little bit mean. he came to my play and i blew him off for someone more present. more immediately non-threatening. the less the risk of another broken heart the better.

i said 'i LOVE the idea of never being in love again...'-god, obviously i don't want that. but i don't want this either. in love with someone so completely intangible.

and yes, i'd like to care about the people i've fucked. the care to not care ratio isn't good. it's 1 for...well, one. i mean, i care about them and they are safe and happy and loved but they won't be loved by me. i don't want to love them, that's the point.

where am i even going with this. who cares. i'm too stoned to care. sorry i'm such a whiney emo bitch...
i wonder if i should link his myspace page on here somewhere so y'all can scope him out? i don't think so...

hockey hooligans or not...

2006-06-06T00:09:00.000-06:00

...seeing 30 cops in glow-in-the-dark vests walking down your street to their 'base of operations' is a fucking surreal sight.

oh, and i think it's pretty funny that the 'base of operations' to deal with hockey rioters is the granite curling club. how much more fucking canadian can we get, eh?

( andy emailed this photo to me. i don't know who took it-but credit where credit is due, stranger!)

night, eh

michelle.

an ode of sorts.

2006-06-05T02:24:00.000-06:00

it's always strange seeing an old love. seeing how they look and how they talk and how they think and remembering that you already know all that stuff about them.

there's a comfort in that.

there's also a strange reminder of how shitty it felt to see them with that other person and know that you'd never have that. how shitty it felt when you watched him walk away and knew that they were the reason you were getting on a plane and going as far away from home as you can afford.

i think i'll always love him. a part of me will hold all those moments so tightly that i couldn't forget them even if i wanted to.

it was good to see him. it actually was. no panic and chest pains and longing and tears. only smiles and hugs and cds and a glimmer of the possibility for a little of that amazing friendship we once had.

god, i missed him. and it's nice be able to start this little post with '...an old love.'

*mwah*
michelle

p.s. he's still fucking hot too...

p.p.s. on a note unrelated to that still hot old love boy: i just want to say that i met someone tonight that i absolutely would have gone home with in a fucking millisecond.

"my booth is in a shooter bar! i'm definately taking a cab one of these days..."

2006-05-31T10:29:00.000-06:00

i'm tired.

i'm mid-tech-week-can't-see-tired.

i've got a lot on my mind about the future. i don't care what anyone says, turning 25 is a big deal and the closer it gets the more i am aware of it and the more i am aware of this concept of the 'future'. i feel like i am on the right path i just hope the world feels it too. anyways, there's a lot on my mind. i feel like some pretty significant changes are going to be made in the next little while.

i was caught completely off-guard the other day when a 'friend' (i use that term REALLY loosely in this case) told me some very bad news-or that he got some very bad news. natasha said it was karma. i don't think karma breaks hearts, and no one deserves that kind of worry-that kind of death...i have experience with illness like that and so i offered my support. he told me i was brave to offer. i don't know what the means. why is an offer of time and a shoulder brave? isn't is what we should do. i mean, if i can be there for a friend when they need me then i feel like i'm doing ok at my life, not being brave. it just reminds me that i can always afford to be a little less self-involved. bravery doesn't even figure into it.

so amidst all the tired and weirdness and bad news i managed to accidentally have one of the funnest weekends i've had in a while. go figure...

can i just say that i LOVE my friends. seriously, i'm fucking lucky! they're supportive and kind and all give really fucking fantastic hugs.

friday was bree's birthday celebration and i have to admit i was a little nervous about going. sure, i knew a few people there but i wasn't drinking and i was worried...whatever, i ALWAYS get nervous in social situations regardless of how many people i know.

it ended up being a superduper good time. cool people. good music (yay for house parties with dj's!) and good friends!

jeff, andy, med. jeff, teira, trevor and i ended up heading over to the sidetrack for the johnson's cd release party and to see the rocky fortune. i think saturday was the 5th or 6th time i'd seen the rocky fortune and shit! they were fantastic. best they've been in my opinion. if you haven't heard them CLICK THAT LINK! and be prepared to hear one of the best bands in alberta come blasting through your speakers! fuck yes!

the johnsons made me feel 14 again. who still plays skatepunk anyways?! ha ha. i'd seen them before and been pretty unimpressed (seriously, who plays skatepunk?!) but friday was hella fun and i was impressed if for no other reason than it's obvious how much fun they're having.

the johnsons:

photo/street cred: this kid

saturday came and meant i got to sleep in a little. a little...and then i spent the afternoon fabric shopping with daniela for the show. i LOVE her. seriously. i hope we get to be friends when we aren't working together anymore.

saturday was also nick's birthday. nick is hands-down without a doubt one of my favourite people ever. he's kind, generous, hilarious, the perfect amount of cynical and is always around with a shoulder to cry on or a big hug. he's supportive, creative, insanely literate and smart, articulate, cute...jesus, i could on forever. basically, i fucking love him.

the point is is that OBVIOUSLY i was totally stoked for the debauchery that would invariably take place.

here are some of the debaucherous highlights:
(that i can remember...i consumed a copious of amount of intoxicants)

-hockey and weed
-boy boobs flashed on jasper ave.
(can i just interject and say here that i was waaaaaaaaaaaaay too high for all the fucking post-game honking. it was way too over stimulating...)
-a game of 'i've never...' that ended in the consumption of a LOT of martini's
-me stripping on the dance floor.
-a lot of teasing about showing off my piercing.
-a HOT YOUNG PIERCED PENIS for me and shannon!!
-my tits being flashed all over jasper ave.
-a lot of dance floor make-outs.
-nick undoing my pants on the dance floor promising me that no one would see so i should really show off my piercing. (the funniest part? i was this close to actually doing it)

did i mention that this really hot boy showed me and shannon his cock at halo?!

at the end of the night i was fucking tired but it was so fun and i didn't puke despite how much i drank. my friends are good kissers! ;)

maya took the pictures of my drunk ass...

now, usually hangover sundays involve me going for breakfast and/or sitting around in as little clothes as appropriate for the company i'm with and smoking weed to 'take the edge off'...ha ha. i chose a different route for this past hangover sunday.

fuck yes! what a great way to spend a couple of hours on a sunday afternoon. good friends. good music. warm living room. eli, esq.,jr., westfalia, and i am a liar are all seriously fucking badass. i hope these caterpillar shows happen again and again and again...how fun! make it happen, eli! :D

the point of all of this was just to remember what a fucking killer weekend i am and how lucky i am to have such amazing friends. thanks amazing friends, for making my life fun and full of love.

hugs, kisses and sweet dreams!

xo xo michelle.

les mots

2006-05-25T10:25:00.000-06:00

boys and girls who read are insanely sexy!

c'est tout!
xo michelle.

2006-05-24T14:02:00.000-06:00

yeah, it's new. i'll have to re-do my links.
tell me what you think...

m.

love is an (international) and noisy battlefield

2006-05-24T11:41:00.000-06:00

and i'd fight, hard, for my love.

sexiest. frontman. ever.

ha ha.

really, my complete love for the (international) noise conspiracy has NOTHING to do with the uber-sexiness of my future husband denis lyxzen. seriously. but he is hot...

whatever, not the point.

i think i first heard t(i)nc sometime in 2001 or 2002. the first song i heard was 'capitalism stole my virginity' and had discovered them somewhere along my path to discovering that refused was of the only hardcore bands that didn't make me want to rip my ears off my head. either way, i was instantly hooked.

and i wasn't hooked soley by the quality of the music but also by the quality of the message. i continue to appreciate their passion and commitment to their political ideals. more than anything i appreciate their acknowledgement of the glaring contradictions of being an anti-capitalist band who needs to sell records to survive. that's always been the thing that makes me laugh about so many supposed anarchist/anti-capitalist punk bands-they just don't seem to be aware of the irony of what they do. their struggle is something that i, as an artist, really appreciate. how do we survive as artists without 'selling out' and still manage to eat/pay rent/not have a day-job/not die?

t(i)nc is also one of those bands who's songs inspire a crazy amount of nostalgia. their new album, armed love, for example takes me back to the fall of 2004 when i went to europe to prevent a post-graduation nervous breakdown. i got this album the first day i was in london (it wasn't available in n. america at the time-and also still on burning heart) and i remember walking around london, edinburgh and dublin with that album as the soundtrack to those thousands of steps.

i closed my eyes last night during 'communist moon' and i could smell the cobblestone and train stations and that little cemetary in the middle of ediburgh that inspired my sleeve.

it's funny because before i left for that trip i was trying to plan my time in france around their tour schedule thinking if i didn't see them in europe i'd never see them. it didn't work out. and i've been lucky; i've seen them twice in the past 18months right here in good ol' edmitten.

last night's show was a zillion times better than the last time i saw them peep this:

(from may 18, 2005)

on tuesday i had the pleasure of hitting up the venue equivalent of stalingrad (thanks jeff) for a little concert!

the (international) noise conspiracy are one of my FAVOURITE bands! they killed! KILLED! so much energy and joy to their show. they are a band who, without a doubt, LOVE what they are doing and have fun with it. it's so nice to see a band with something intellegent to say be totally rad without all the artifice of post-modern ironic hipster bullshit. you aren't that cool, denis lyxzen knows you aren't that cool so just fucking dance and stop trying to be cool!! they KILLED! i love this band!

and finally......and you will know us by the trail of dead were not my favourite. to be honest i found them a bit boring. while their two amazing drummers made me a little bowl of panty soup i just couldn't get past the uber-masculine-prog-taking-ourselves-WAY-too-seriously-bombast! they are good musicians but remember boys, rockin' out can be fun too...i just can't understand how you can take yourself seriously when you're play the tambourine...c'mon you emo-tastic idiots...HAVE FUN!! your black hearts and cheesy as shit lyrics will probably forgive you!

so that's what i had to say almost a year to the day ago and let me tell you something last night's show was a zillion times more fun, energetic and joyful than the last time i saw them. i think it had a lot to do with the fact that the show wasn't at reds. i think the last time the band found the idea of playing in that mecca to over-consumption and jeans a little nauseating.

whatever it was, they played an amazing show and just reinforced all the things i love about live music. even just being there really made me feel a lot better.

x's and o's

michelle.

a death.

2006-05-23T13:25:00.000-06:00

edvard munch said "illness, insanity and death are the black angels that kept watch over my cradle and accompanied me all my life"

perhaps this is true for all of us. at some points anyway.

i have almost lost my dad a couple of times. and i can't imagine what that must feel like. and to lose a child. there can't be words for that.

my aunt is faced with that right now.

early sunday morning my cousin frank was killed in a car accident.

he and four of his friends were 'sprint racing'. they took turns seeing who could drive the fastest.
one of them was drunk. when it was his turn to drive he spun out of control, hit some trees, flipped the car and sent it flying into the river.

at some point along the way frank broke his neck and was killed. as was one other boy in the car. the driver was injured and two others walked away without a scratch.

my aunt and uncle live in germany. my dad left for the funeral this morning. the hardest thing about all this is seeing my dad cry.

and he cries not only from grief but from fear. i see him looking at me and worrying that i could be next. that my stupid choices or someone elses could mean that i won't be around.

that fear breaks my heart.

i wish no one ever had to go through what my aunt and uncle are going through. what frank's brother is going through. what anyone who has lost like that has gone through. it makes me wish the world was simpler and people didn't die before they should.

mostly it makes me sad.

heartfelt love to you all, to nick especially for this hasn't been an good weekend for you either.
michelle.

vag! vag! vag!

2006-05-18T10:05:00.000-06:00

warning: this post is not safe for work! much like this*

consider yourself warned now scroll down if you wish.

i guess i've taken this whole slightly pierced/tattooed thing to another level

sidebar: i love LOVE when people use the phrase 'taking it to another level

one of the first people i ever had sex with was this thugged out little 19 year old kid. he was really hot and really really inappropriate. we had SILENT sex in our hostel in washington d.c. in a twin bed while a finnish lady who spent her days baking bread and applying for jobs slept. it was amazing. the point is the little inappropriate thug kid had TWO genital piercings. a shaft apadravya (although his was a little bit further back than the one in this photo) and a reverse prince albert and i totally loved it! since then i've been a little curious.

now i don't have a penis so i can't really get a reverse p.a. but i do have a clitoris with a nice hood on it. ha ha!

so about two months or so ago i went in to get my other nostril pierced and i decided to talk to the lovely ryan at strange city about the whole hood piercing* thing. he told me about the risks, the healing, the piercing itself and answered all of ridiculous questions about nerve damage and painful sex and shit. he was rad and nice (and cute) but i decided to wait. about a month later had to go get my nipple piercings taken care of (the barbells were too long) and i asked all the same questions over again.

what? it's scary to think about someone shoving a big needle through any pieceof skin-the skin on my ladyparts is even scarier!

so then two saturdays ago i finished my eggs and hashbrowns over at mosaics and i walked past strange city and something hit me. i said 'fuck it!' and in i walked and made an appointment for the following sunday...i didn't do it right then because i was bleeding...gross.

period+genital piercing=NO THANK YOU!

so a week passed. and truthfully i didn't think much about it. i told a lot of people i was doing it so i couldn't chicken out and honestly i was looking sort of forward to it. i always look a little forward to the things that i know are going to hurt.

michelle nancy kennedy: part masochist, part adreneline junkie, part fool.

i decided i didn't want anyone to come with me for three reasons: 1) it's my vagina! 2) another person there would make me even more nervous 3) this isn't for the vicarious livers. come, watch me get tattooed, my nose pierced, hell, even my nipples...but this experience was mine.

so sunday morning rolls around and i wake up and shower and shave and pick out the right underwear. i want it to be cute without looking like i chose cute underwear on purpose. someone is going to be seeing me in my panties and i don't want them to be ugly. dark green boy cut low rise. strong choice. very alt. porn or something...ha ha.

do i wear a skirt? i wondered this all morning. i opted for pants. i didn't want everyone in the waiting room to know i was getting my vag pierced.

ha ha.

so i go there and i pay ($80 incl. tip) i wait and i worry and the other girl there tries to calm me down by telling me hurts less than getting waxed (?!) but mostly i just sit and vibrate. i'm nervous...i KNOW it's going to hurt.

so when i get in there ryan and i just kind of chat about the weekend and the 'riot' (?!) on whyte that friday, etc... he didn't really tell me what he was doing or what all the tools were-it wasn't really necessary seeing as how i already have a few piercings and he himself did a few of them. so he told me to take of my pants and lie down.

eek!

so he's cleaning me off and apologized for the fact that it was a little uncomfortable. i said, 'i'd be lying if i said it was completely uncomfortable'...WHAT?! a cute boy has his fingers all over me i'm not going to complain...yet. the dry cotton swab and the q-tip test weren't comfortable nor what was to follow.

i had mentioned earlier that i wanted jewelry no bigger than 10g. so what ryan does is he pierces at a 12g and then immediately stretches up to a 10g. (here's a gauge chart if you're curious... keep in mind this is a scale drawing and 10g is bigger than that. ask to see my conch piercing if you're curious...) apparently the pressure from bigger jewelry in a smaller hole puts pressure on the wound and controls the bleeding. cool.

so he marks the spot. shows me. looks good and apparently my anatomy supports the piercing so we go to town. or rather, ryan does.

one. two. three. 'we'll pierce on the next exhale, ok?'

ok.

HOLY FUCK!

that's exactly what i said.

time for the stretching.

HOLY FUCK!

seriously folks, i don't have the words to describe the intensity of that feeling. it's not all pain and it's not all pleasure. it hurts like fuck but at the same time you get so tense and are so completely aware of your genitals that as the pain subsides you cum, basically. i mean it wasn't the same kind of orgasm i've had thanks to a big hard cock but it's such a release and no matter how clinical the actual piercing is there's no way to deny the sex in it. so basically, yes, i came. hard.

after it was all over and i looked at my newly bejeweled lady parts (it looks amazing!) and got dressed and left. i couldn't really talk. i was just sort of amazed at the intensity of the situation-which i'm articulating poorly-and mostly i could only say, 'wow! that was intense' and giggle a little. ryan walked me out, shook my hand and i left a happy camper.

i saw leah and eli later in the day and i'm sure i was a space case. (sorry kids...) i felt for the rest of the day liked i'd been fucked too hard to speak. my body felt that way too.

so all in all it was rad. bleeding was minimal. it doesn't really hurt anymore; it twinges sometimes and i am aware of it but it's not annoying and aftercare seems to be going alright.

so yeah...

xo xo michelle.

*weird, i never link to porn. ahwell...
*this isn't a picture of MY hood piercing. i am going to take one and if you ask really nicely and i'm not creeped out by your asking to see a picture of my vagina i'll show it to you. hell, maybe we can just get drunk...;)

you're all invited...

2006-05-17T15:35:00.001-06:00

i have been feeling sorry for myself lately-a lot.

i just sit and pout.

i'm 24. jesus.

i don't know why...if i did i'd just stop. i just feel like i am not getting what i want, that perhaps things could be different-or better. or that people just aren't paying enough attention to what i need. GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! i'm such a princess...

obviously it's selfish. OBVIOULSY! but i feel crappy and i want to pout about it. c'est la (self)pity party.

i think (think) what started this whole thing is the six...*counts* yes, SIX different moving conversations i've had in the past little while. i have awesome friends and with awesome comes the potential to work/study all over this country/landmass/earth...whatevs! and here they are going, 'should i go...?' and all i want to do is scream "GOOOOOO!" because i want to go! i want to finish the shows i am working on and get the fuck outta dodge and off to grad school. i have another year of screaming "GO!" at people in my head before i can actually go. i'm jealous of all of new england, vacouver, toronto, germany, ireland, rockstars...all of it!

i dunno...welcome to my pity party. it's byob and byop (pout!). you can leave your shoes on and feel free to smoke pot in the house. oh, and you can have sex in my bed if you want...all i use it for is sleeping. that's the other thing...

don't even get me started on that thing...

that sex thing.

i'm babbling but there's dance music playing and i'm in a party mood.

lovelovelove
michelle.

counting myself in? the census debate...

2006-05-15T11:15:00.000-06:00

(why do i always want spell census with another 'c'?...)

so as i'm sure most of us canadians out there know may 16, 2006 is census day...the day when you get to put all your personal information on a piece of paper and ship it off to stats canada and they 'count you in'

i used to get really excited about counting myself in during the census. i wanted to be one of the x amount of canadian citizens represented in the stats. fuck, i realise i wanted to be a statistic! eek!

so this year things are a little bit different. for one i look a LOT more critically at what's being asked of me than i did the last i was aware of the census rolling around (when was that?) and two there seems to be a lot more controversy surrounding this year census.

here are the basics as i understand them:

-under NAFTA foreign (ie: american, in this case) companies are allowed to bid on canadian contracts. the winning bidder?
lockheed martin: major american weapon's manufacturer. lockheed martin are the people behind a good chunk of the fire power being deployed in the 'war on terror' in iraq.

uncool right?

right! and canadian were not cool with the fact that stats canada was originally going to give COMPLETE control of the census to lockheed martin so they revamped the original contract and now only stats can employees have access to confidential census data BUT lockheed martin still is in charge of all the hardware and software for date collection.

so i'm torn. there is one side of the coin that calls for a complete boycott of the census. why should we support lockheed martin in any way? by providing lockheed martin with this contract it could be seen as evidence of the canadian government's unwillingness to take a true stand against the privatization and profiting from war. by providing one of the worst corporations in the world with this contract we are effectively supporting the war.

this also calls to the fore the slow but ever present americanization of canada under NAFTA.
by allowing major american corporations access to these contracts we are allowing ourselves to be a victim of american imperialism and this antiquated notion of 'manifest destiny'.
if we don't take a stand against it it's only going to get worse, right?

on the other hand i recognize that census provided invaluable information about demographics that are used to aid discussions about education, social programs, welfare, aid, etc.

but i've come to a decision: i am boycotting the census. i cannot, in good conscience support a government that supports the granting of a contract to a major american weapons manufacturer. for two reasons:

1) i refuse to side with the canadian government in their dealings with a terrorist organization (lockheed martin) that is making money from imperialism and an un-just war

2) i refuse to support a policy (NAFTA) that allows for jobs to be taken away from canadians in favour of an american corporation. the canadian census should be processed by canadian people and the money for services should also go to the canadian people...

that's just my opinion.
i encourage all of you to do some reading and make an informed decision before you fill out that form.

here are some sources that might of interest.
statscan
the dominion: news from the grassroots
resist!ca
straight goods
count me out! (a very interesting website about deep integration and NAFTA and minimum co-operation ith the census.)

check it!

EDIT: after checking out some more sources i am sorta digging this minimum co-operation thing...count me out has some awesome info about that...i am SO torn...

love love
michelle.

michelle's immoral compass

2006-05-12T10:17:00.000-06:00

19 is too young right?

i know jeff did the math and the math made it ok but he's so little.

my moral compass goes WAAAY off course when i think about that gorgeous kid...KID. seriously, i am totally torn between my hormones and my head.

my head says dirty, dirty but my hormones...well, they're saying "dirty, dirty" too but their dirties are completely lacking in judgement and looking for fun! ha ha.

not that anything is going to happen but, y'know...

argh!
xo michelle 'the dirty old woman'

money is a big fat ruiner

2006-05-11T11:50:00.000-06:00

today i am wearing a hoodie that is about 3 years old, jeans with holes and t-shirt that i got for free last night. i don't have a tonne of cash and whatever money i do have left over after paying all my bills go to getting tattooed. seriously.

i know some of you out there in internerd land and in my real life would argue that this is an irresponsible pursuit but i've made my choice and i continue to make this choice and i could be spending it on heroin. be glad i am not spending $200/day on heroin.

generally i am ok with not being rich, i don't even really like money; but here's the thing: money is still a big fat ruiner. i don't make enough of it and every once in a while my lack of it threatens to ruin something i really want to do.

i am suppose to be taking this megarad/uberprestigous clowning workshop for three weeks in july and while i have no idea how i'll wrangle together $1000 by july i do know that university of alberta's money leeching ways are impeeding my ability to even register in the class. so i can't currently afford to pay them some cash i owe them but i will be able to in like a matter of days and my clowning instructor wants to give my spot to someone else...

this makes me sad. yes, i'm a little poor. deal with it. accept it. i'll be there and i'll find the money and i'll even just pay parking services without a big uproar. i just want something i want to be taken away from me because of money.

i know i shouldn't whine. i was never rich growing up but i never lacked essentials and i know my parents would still be willing to help me out but for fucksake i'm almost 25 and i've made all the beds i lie in and i will take care of this...i just wish it wasn't asked about in such a hostile fucking e-tone.

holy random...

anyways, i wanna talk about the census. another post it is!
m.

muzak by numb.ers

2006-05-09T19:41:00.000-06:00

...work gives me a certain amount of time on my hands and a calculator...hee hee

may 8 2005

a friend or parent commented on the ridiculous amount of cash i spend on music a year.
i don't think i spend a ridiculous amout by any means; music enriches my life and fuck if i care that it unriches my wallet.

so i embarked on a mission: i recorded the amount of money i spent on music for an entire calendar year (may 8, 2005-may 8, 2006) and here for your statistical wonderment are the numbers.

the one thing missing is how many cds i bought. i'd be curious to know the quantity as well. averaging $18.00/cd i'm going to guestimate is bought about 120 cds give or take.

the numb.ers

total: $2155.42CAN

may 2005: $244.92
june 2005: $463.20
july 2005: $21.38 (apparently i was poor in july)
august 2005: $135.50
september 2005: $207.71
october 2005: $207.49
november 2005: $152.16
december 2005: $130.07
january 2006: $48.12 (post-christmas low, obviously)
february 2006: $132.29
march 2006: $68.62
april 2006: $336.33 (includes a good chunk of cash spent in nyc)
may 2006: $157.30 (to date)

these amounts do not include gift certificates or gifts.

average monthly spending: $179.62
average amount spent per purchase: $46.86

largest single purchase: $126.56 at etherea in nyc
next largest single purchase: $114. 73 at a&b sound. i JUST got my tax return. i was killing time on the south side, money was burning a hole...

smallest single purchase: $10.54 at tower records in nyc. fuck, tower is terrible...
next smallest single purchase: $10.69 at megatunes

the record store breakout. breakdown.

it's a bit odd that i didn't buy anything from listen but it's a proximity thing...i did buy blonde redhead tickets there though...

anywayz...

megatunes:

total spent: $176.47
percentage of total: 8%
largest purchase: $91.98
comments: can i just state for the record that i am not such a fan of megatunes and shopped there only 4 times in the past year. i used to love it but it's disorganized (seriously, i can never find anything) and some (not all) of the people that work there are rude and unwilling to help. 'do you have...' isn't a difficult question. anyways...

blackbyrd:

total spent: $733.10
percentage of total: 36%
largest purchase: $90.48
comments: i HEART blackbyrd. i'm in there pretty much weekly, i never pay full price anymore (ha ha...snob!) and i can always find what i want and if i can't i ask and they find it for me or make another suggestion. i used to be totally petrified of that store because i thought i wasn't cool enough...(and i'm still not) but i'm over it because i pretty much NEED it.

hmv

total spent: $463.33
percentage of total: 22%
largest purchase: $96.89
comments: i get a lot of gift certificates from hmv and i spend on top of them and the one in
'the mall' is pretty good. seriously, they have a decent selection. i know it's sucky for me to shop there but at least it isn't tower records. tower sucks!

a&b sound

total spent: $501.92
percentage of total: $23%
largest purchase: $114.73
comments: a&b sound actually sucks and i usually find pretty random stuff just by walking around. they have this new 'intellegent dance music' section that sort of makes me laugh though-has dance music been generally stupid in the past? what, wasn't aqua the height of smart composition? if you were wondering what intellegent dance music is it's M83, apparently. anyways, a&b sound is my time killer on the southside. sometimes i go there if i want some new 'idm' for the gym too...

other (merch, etc...)

total spent: $91.50
percentage of total: 4%
largest purchase: $20.00
comments: $20.00 at blonde redhead.

out of town

total spent: $137.10
percentage of total: 7%
largest purchase: $126.56
comments: etherea in nyc ate all my money. it was wonderful!

so that's that. next years tallies are going to include money spent on shows and number of cds in each purchase. that'll be a more accurate count of how much money i actually spend on music.

xo michelle.

alan reprise

2006-05-09T13:51:00.000-06:00

turns out alan is actually called ken. i just think he looks like an alan.

old soul sundays

2006-05-08T11:04:00.000-06:00

1. being an edmonontonian during playoffs means that at some point during playoffs you will go to the bar and watch the 'big game', you will lament the fact that the oilers were totally dominated by san jose (or whoever) the night before, and you will sympathize with the frat boy crying in his beer at the end of the third period, you may even cry.

there's something universal about hockey, about the playoffs. i think, probably, it's something that speaks to our national identity. we get caught up in both the patriotic and regional glory and the competition. i think canadians need hockey.

during the regular season i could give a shit less about hockey. i go to maybe one game a year and watch less than that but when clarice suggested we head over to a 'bar' to watch the game i never thought for a second to say no. and it was fun. we sighed and guffawed with the crowd and we watched as the oilers were completely dominated. we used phrases like, 'they just need to regroup; they'll pick it up tomorrow" and "it's really too bad they couldn't start the series at home..." etc.

a pint of beer, nachos and hockey. and the question: "what if we lived our whole lives like this? hockey, beer, a trip in from the suburbs to watch the game among the 'freaks' on whyte..." i guess last night we were living our lives like that...

2. he laughed too loud at his own jokes.
he was a rockstar...a madtv rockstar.

two of them. two new people. one lovely but slightly intense and strange. he talked a lot, laughed loud. it was nice. his laugh was loud. LOUD.

the second one is a mini-celebrity, it was a night of mini-celebs, actally-which is strange but whatever...this first mini-celeb. used to do some plays in edmitten. he spends most of his time living and being awesome in L.A. he used to work on madtv and now he does impressions of clay aiken on craig kilbourne or something...i don't know. he was all about the funny. ALL about the funny...

...and his eyebrows were exceptionally well manicured. his sideburns too, come to think about it.

3. when given third or fourth chance for someone to make a first impression i always take it and run with it. one of my favourite things in the whole entire world is being proved wrong about people.

he's pretty 'famous' in our little edmonton theatre scene. people want to work with him. people want to be him. people want to fuck him. i thought he was a prick. he is a prick but he's very aware of it and i think his pricky moments are reserved for the people who deserve it-and trust me, there are people in this community that are deserving of prickish behaviour. but we talked about sex and thai hookers and theatre and big cities and i have an insane amount of respect for him. i dig him. officially. my position has been changed and i like it.

i'm a pretty nice person, i think, but i'm hella judgemental and i know it. i'm working on giving people a chance because you never know right? i guess i'm lucky i'm a judgemental bitch who likes being proved wrong.

i expected none of this last night. i expected to chill and chat and catch up with clarice-one of my favourite people in the entire world-and we did but the evening ended in surprise and a nice hug and a new found appreciation. i LOVE when that shit happens.

i'm thanking the old soul music for making us all a little more 'in tune'. thanks aretha and the blackdog!

[nothing clever]

2006-05-07T01:04:00.000-06:00

things are weird right now.

things just feel really weird. sort of scattered.

and i feel like i am eating my words a lot these days. not eating actually but swallowing them and replacing them with the stuff people want to hear.

this should be...

2006-05-03T15:12:00.000-06:00

...fun?

fun!

FUN!

i'm really really really fucking nervous right now.

tonight's our first rehearsal for the fantastic play, GayFace, making it's world premier this summer at theatre network's network's neXtfest (june 1-11) and then the edmonton international fringe festival (aug 17-27).

the thing that is sooo nerve-wracking is that i am directing the thing and it's written by one of the people whose friendships i cherish more than anything in the world. nick is amazing and i don't want anything bad to happen to our relationship.

now, i know we're both professionals and whatever happens in the rehearsal hall isn't going to affect how i feel about him but i'm still worried. what if i'm terrible and he hates what i do to his play and the direction i lead him in as an actor?!

god, that leads me to my other point of freakout: what if i am a terrible fucking director and am just a big fat fraud?

ok, i know this is just pre-show jitters...i just needed to get it out.

there, it's out.

come see the show! both times! it'll be a different show at each festival.

loves you
michelle.

jealous of my weekend in NEW YORK?

2006-05-02T02:23:00.000-06:00

...you probably should be. so should you and you and you and especially you.

ha ha.

so yeah, i spent a couple weekends ago on manhatten enjoying myself completely and not once thinking about the seven-zillion things keeping me busy and annoyed in good ol' edmitten.

now, i'm sure you're wondering how the fuck i affored to just jet off to new york for the weekend...some backstory:

in 2004 i graduated from the uofa as did my friend katie. katie got accepted to the mfa acting program at new school university in nyc (also houses parson's school of design if you're curious) and moved herself to new york. i visited her during thanksgiving of the same year. we watched a parade and drank our faces off.

then about a year ago i met a boy, got a little caught-up in good kisses and intimacy and some pretty strong feelings. he moved to the other side of the country and i was suppose to go for a visit. a few days before i was suppose to leave he tells me he didn't want me to come. the results were a broken/demolished heart and a credit with air canada.

so i had to use this credit by the booking date of my flight which was early june and since may is going to be full up with rehearsals i decided i needed to go asap. initially i was going to go to chicago for the weekend because i love it so much but it would have been an additional $200 as opposed to the extra $60 that i am required to pay for changing my flight. so nyc it was.

i hadn't planned on staying with katie because the last time we'd spoken she was living in jersey with her boyfriend and i wanted to be on manhanttan and whatever so i texted her and said, 'yo! i'm coming to nyc! wanna have a drink?' and she texted back saying, 'the bf and i broke up. i'm living in the east village! please come stay with me; i need a taste of home!' so it was set. how could i resist nyc at this point. I COULDN'T! so i booked my flight and i was set to go.

so the trip itself was rad. the last time i was in nyc i was really overwhelmed and i didn't totally love it but this time i was more familiar with it and knew where i was and where i was going and i knew where i wanted to go. i fell in LOVE LOVE LOVE with that goddamn city. it's amazing. it's unparalled. all the things people say about new york are true.

so i hear you wanted details...here they are.

thursday april 20, 2006

4:10am: wake up and finish packing. i'm slightly hungover from sex talk and snazzy drinks with the girls but i'm excited. the hangover passes quickly.

i had to get up so early because i had to be at the airport before 5:30am and my dad was suppose to be picking me up 4:30.

4:45am: dad still hasn't arrived. i call him and he's forgotten to set his alarm. he tells me to take a cab to his place (half-way to the airport-in millwoods) and he'll pay the cab driver and then we'll go the airport.

5:00am: arrive at dad's. he pays the (really nice) cab driver and we leave.

5:20am: we arrive at the airport, pull up to air canada say our goodbyes and i check in. i have to automatic check-in, that's new, but it's easy so i'm happy. i then go through security and wait in the excruciatingly long line-up for a soy chai latte that tastes like dishsoap. i chuck it. i don't want to wait in that INSANE line again...so whatever.

7:00am: my flight leaves on time and i am off to the tdot.

time sort of gets lost at this point. i sleep through my flight to toronto, go through customs, get a sandwich...wait. wait. wait. wait.

i get a little mad in toronto. i see this family. two girls and a boy. the girls are probably 8 and 11 at most and they're reading teen cosmo and teen vogue and teen people and talking about lipstick and celebrities. girls need to be girls. those magazine send such a scewed image of adolesence and those girls weren't looking at it critically and their mom was encouraging them...'oh yes daughter, that lipstick would look great on you!' SHE'S FUCKING EIGHT! let kids be kids and teach them to look critically at the media. just because it's published doesn't it make 'true' or right or a fair representation of life...

5:40pm: i arrive at new york's laguardia airport. laguardia is actually in queens but it's a short trip to manhanttan. so i call katie, get her address and decide to splurge on a taxi. the taxi driver takes the 'bridge route' to avoid the toll on the tunnel and so i get to see manhattan as we drive onto the island. it's amazing. it opens up before you like the mouth of the beast and you want nothing more than to crawl right in and get lost.

$26 later i arrive in the east village (avenue a and e. 5th st. to be exact)
to give a little perspective about where in nyc i am.
cbgb's is on bowrey and 2nd ave. (joey ramone ave)
avenue a is one block below 1st ave. bowrey is between 7th and 8th st. (i think).
so that's where i am. it's a fucking famous part of town.

6:20pm: katie's place. i get there just as she's getting home from school. she lives on the third floor of her building so we walk up the stairs. her apartment is TINY and expensive but i love it because when you look outside you see the back of buildings with fire escapes bolted to the ancient brick* and gardens and noise and the entire world below you.

katie and i just talk for the next couple of hours. or, katie talks for the next couple of hours. she's stressed as fuck about school and her ex boyfriend and her ex ex boyfriend and all things in general. katie is stress. it's the one thing i will never forget about her. drama personified.

all that talking makes us hungry so we decide to head out and find some supper.

9:00pm: we decide, after walking around alphabet city (below 1st ave) for a little while that we want indian food.

here's one of the many awesome things about new york: there is a whole street in the e. village of indian food restuarants. the managers stand outside and try to intice you into their restuarant.

we pick a tiny little place about half the size of cafe mosaics with the ceiling covered in streamers and mirrors and chili lights. it's cozy and red and smells like heaven. we eat pounds and pounds of food. we don't drink cuz we forget that most of those restuarants are byob (yep, byob) so we just chat and catch up more. we remember parties and who we had stupid makeouts and fights with. it's great to see her again.

11:00pm: we finish dinner and it's cheap (like $25 for the both of us...) and we walk around some more totally lost in chatting.

12:30am: we get back to katie's place. have a glass of wine and pass out. i'm exhausted after a day of travelling and her stress and wiped her out.

i do not sleep well.

friday, april 21, 2006.

11:00am: i wake up after a restless sleep and a little bit of a 'post-airplane ride' sniffle but i'm good to go. katie has school all day and rehearsal in the evening to i decide that my day is going to be taken up with art and theatre. yay!

12:00pm: i get on the subway and head to upper east side to go to the whitney museum of american art and i'm lucky because a) the last time i was there it was closed and b) they have their biennial on. the biennial showcases the best in current american art.

the really interesting thing about this year's exhibit, aside from the fucking amazing work, was that for the first time the whitney included artists who were not born in the united states but emmigrated to the states and have something to say about their experience relating to the 'american dream'.

i love that contemporary art never fails to remind me that artists are political beings. that art for art's sake is fine but to express dissent and question the world you live in is paramount. these artists question and fight and rally their collective voice against sexism, racism, war, hurt, etc...it's amazing. i spent the afternoon inspired.

i also love the fact that these amazing visual artists are unafraid to mix media and to play with the tools of their craft. i wish theatre artists were more commited to collaboration with other (non theatre) artists and mixing media. we are so rooted and eaten up by tradition that we can't get out. i hate it!

(i wanted to post pics but the whitney website uses flash and i don't know how to copy flash into my blog...sorry)

so after the whitney i was totally inspired and fired up so i decided to go see a play. katie had told me a lot about a new adam rapp play called red light winter at the barrow street theatre in the west village. (lower west side).

6:oopm: leave the whitney and head to the subway. i head back downtown on a mission to get a $20 student rush ticket to the play, it's $65 otherwise. theatre in nyc ain't cheap! so i get downtown, get my ticket and realise i am fucking hungry!

6:30pm: i get a sandwich and some delicious iced tea at this lovely little deli in greenwich village and sit infront of the window looking out on bleeker street and people watch. i am falling more and more with new york in that exact moment. for the first time i realise that i could in fact, live in new york city. financially it isn't really possibly but artistically and emotionally i could do it. i felt good and safe and relaxed and full.

7:00-7:40pm: i grab a latte and walk around greenwich. i am in and out of record stores mostly and am completely overwhelmed. vinyl only, used only, electronic only, anything you want in the world can be found in new york. goldfrapp and stereolab seem to feature predominantly and i smile because i've heard of them. it makes the snob in me happy to know that bands i listen to and love are popular in new york hipster record stores too! god...i don't buy anything. there isn't time to really look. the play is starting!

8:00pm-10:30pm: red light winter by adam rapp plays at the barrow street theatre. i sit in the same audience with kathy bates. she is beautiful and no one approaches her. new yorkers are obviously used to seeing celebrities at the theatre or are just too cool to make a big deal about it. i just remembered katie telling me about congratulating phillip seymour hoffman on his oscar. ha ha.

so red light winter...coming from a sold out run at steppenwolf in chicago it was getting a lot of press in nyc and had an open run. that's cool but the play itself was only alright. i have a feeling it was getting a lot of hype for the sexual content and the 'grit'...the female actress seemed unfocussed and when she wasn't talking she looked like her mind was elsewhere, one of the two guys was underdeveloped but the third was amazing. i think the play suffered for the press and suffered for the fact that it was seen as being edgy and representative of the existential crisis faced by artists as they approach their 30s. the whole, 'peterpan' complex thing...it's cliche and we've all seen it; putting a cock on the stage isn't going to make all that much of a difference. it was still good though, just not THAT good.

11:30pm: there was a tonne of weird train things going on and i was suppose to meet katie nearby but she had a breakdown after seeing her ex with another girl so we met back up at her place, drank some wine, ordered some pizza and chatted. mostly i just witnessed katie's complete and total nervous break down complete with hysterics, embarassing text messages and declarations of, 'i'll never fall in love in again'.

3:30am: katie tired me out. i passed out. gah...

saturday, april 22, 2006

11:00am: wake up! katie has rehearsal from 2-4 but we both really want to go to see the munch exhibit at MoMA so we agree to meet up in front of the museum at 4 and then we'll check it out and then get some food and then go to a house party.

12:30-3: SHOPPING and walking.

so there's this fantastic little record store about 12 steps from katie's place that specializes in experimental electronic music and indie rock. etherea: damn sexy.

so i spend $100US on music. wanna know what i bought? this is, afterall, suppose to be detailed.

so here's the list. judge away, hipsters.

matias aguayo:are you really lost. kompakt
pitchfork doesn't really like and i heard this called 'micro-house' and i have no idea what that means. who cares, i dig this album hardcore. it's HOT, made for dancing and fucking and dark dark clubs.

tortoise: millions now living will never die. thrill jockey.
i know this is old. i know i should have got it a long time ago. i've never seen it in edmonton. granted i wasn't really looking that hard. tortoise makes me cry.

venetian snares: winnipeg is a frozen shithole. sublight records.
i just found out a venetian snares a little while ago whilst on the hunt for something insanely abrasive. venetian snares definately does that. but it grew on me. meathole was one of the best of 2005. i like this album. it's YUMMY!

deerhoof: the runners four. kill rock stars
DELICIOUS!

ok...i'm sick of pseudo-reviews and editing html all over the place...i also got: stereo total's 'my melody', tortoise and bonnie "prince" billy's 'the brave and the bold' ('daniel' kills me. sick!), hella's 'bitches ain't shit but good company' and yeah, i think that's it. they're all wicked good albums so i chose well. oh yeah, and i got this tiny little mum ep but the dude forgot to put the cd in the case...fuck! i have to remember to email them and see if there's something to be done.

after cd shopping i wandered around the e. village, popped into bowrey tattoo out of curiosity-that's where the first 'skin' tattoo was done-a project that i am a part of- and then just mosied my through the east village towards the nyu area.

nyu isn't like the uofa. i don't really know why but i am sure it's the brownstones and the crack heads in washington square park but there is a totally different vibe. maybe it's cuz nyu doesn't reek of oil money and coke funding the way the uofa does...who knows. either way, i wish they had an mfa program in directing, but they don't... c'est la vie.

so i finish browing and katie calls me a little earlier than expected so i head down to meet her and we head uptown to the museum of modern art: MoMA for the Edvard Munch exhibit.

i don't know what to tell you. never have a i seen a more timely exhibit. Munch painted what he saw-not accurate naturalistic representations-but the heart of people and places and experience. he captured what few painters, in my humble opinion, were able to do-he painted the soul of the person as opposed to their face. "the scream" wasn't there, it was stolen and no one knows where it was but i didn't need to be there.

our world is so completely fucked up and every day it just seems to get worse and worse and it becomes hard to maintain any level of optimism. we're at a point in our collective existence when we sit and look out our windows and wonder how god couldn't be dead. how we're hanging on by anything more than a thread. our bodies are being held together by nothing more than skin. in an act of futile self-preservation we zone out even more, we lose ourselves in television and meaningless everything, and rely more on more on the things that ultimately are harming us. what the munch exhibit reminded me of is how lonely all of this is. we have nothing but each other because god is long dead, if he ever existed at all, and we're all wading through heartbreak and death and shit and all we can do is cling to each other and even then we're still pretty much fucked. it broke my heart and at the same time reminded me that i have people in my life who probably aren't going to stab me in the back for my last scrap of sanity or food or a joint or a beer or whatever.

and the other really cool thing: my friend katie, a fairly shallow albeit amazing girl, was moved to tears by munch. granted, it wasn't the looming global existential crisis that got her but her broken heart splashed all over munch's canvases; but it did something for her...

after the exhibit we went looking for jackson pollack because katie had never seen one but they weren't on display so we planted ourselve's down amongst the contemporary digital design exhibit and talked about art and politics and whether or not art for art's sake is a responsible position for an artist to take given the current state of affairs or whether we have a greater responsibility. we also had a really interesting discussion about politics in general. katie comes from oil money and her parents raised her to be very conservative in her political beliefs. for a time she was lending, all the way from calgary, her full support to bush and the war. we didn't talk about politics ever back then...if nothing else living in new york these past two years has really broadended her horizons and at almost 25 she's starting to find her own perspectives. the first thing to go? her support for the war. thank god!

anyways, after an amazing conversation we went for supper and then made our way to a house party one of her classmates was throwing.

here's the deal: the party was fun. it was a party. drinking, chatting, the usual. although, i was totally weirded out by the fact that not a single person at that party smoked weed or had any weed...weird...whatever. so it was a party. more specifically, it was a drama party and it was disheartening to discover that no matter where you go and no matter where you come from drama parties and drama kids (in theatre school) are all the same. i like to think that in my two years out in the 'real world' i have lost some of the 'drama kid'-isms i am sure i once possessed. i'm pretty sure of this because by 2:30am i NEEDED to leave.

seriously, the volume and the spectacle was too fucking much.

and i was a little disappointed because the lovely cadence weapon was playing a show in nyc on that same night and i wouldn't have minded checking it out but katie wasn't into it and she needed a friend. i couldn't in good conscience ditch her for rollie.

we got back to katie's about 3:30 and we chatted for a little while longer. mostly she raged about some of her classmates and her ex and all that shit i am so glad i left behind when i graduated and then we passed out.

oh, did i mention it was raining INSANELY hard? no, i don't think i did...between our walk to MoMA, the restuarant, and amy's house (the party hostess) we were soaked to the bone. everything i was wearing was wet and i shivered all night long...

the next morning was no different. rain! rain! rain!

sunday, april 23, 2006.

11:00am: wake up.

i have to be at the airport around 1:30 to flu home so katie and i decide to go for breakfast and celebrate a last rainy sunday. it take four blocks for me to find the BEST BREAKFAST i have ever had. we went to a place called magador (or something-it sounded like matador but wasn't) and we had:

- fresh squeezed oj made partly, i think, from blood oranges. it had a pinky tinge and tasted like europe. or at least italy and how i remember it.

- green salad.

- hashbrowns cut from organic red baby potatoes cooked just right.

- spinach, tomatoe and goatcheese omelette that was pretty much the greatest omelette i'd ever eaten in my entire life. not even pretty much, absolutely the best breakfast i'd ever had in my life.

i could live in new york for that breakfast alone.

st. mark's place between 1st and avenue a-if you're ever there.

1:45pm: i arrive at the airport, i sit and i wait and then i fly. i get home at 10 after stops in montreal and ottawa. ironic that at the end of all of it i still found myself in ottawa.

so that's that. i don't really know how to end this. as i write these last few lines almost two weeks since i got home i am feeling some tears and a little twinge of sadness and i don't know if the conversation i'm having with someone who i wish i knew better or if it's because we're talking about new york or if it's new york itself...all i know is i feel something and i kind of like it.

i'm altogether less overwhelmed by the whole thing, i suppose.

sorry this was so long.

love love love
michelle.

*a prize to anyone who tells me where i stole that line from.

FUCK YOU, alan!

2006-04-27T11:25:00.000-06:00

there's this dude alan,

he sells chemicals. today he was in inquiring about the success or lack thereof of his company's new environmentally degreaser. the other stuff-the environmentally unfriendly stuff-is hella nasty. i won't go near that shit.

so alan comes in and he's in before and he's obsessed with my boss' personal life and with telling me OVER AND OVER AGAIN how inappropriate and unattractive my tattoo is. today he was EXTRA grossed out by it because it's kinda oozy...what? it's new! FUCK! he's such a dick i can't even explain.

i appreciate anyone's right NOT to like it, that's fine. i don't like that fact that you choose (and it's all about PERSONAL CHOICE) to drive a GIGANTIC suv and kill babies with all the pollutants you're spewing into the air. it's ok alan, i didn't want kids anyways. sterilization is a-ok by me.

alan, i am not going to hell because i have tattoos. i'm still a nice person and you telling my dad on me isn't going to do anything. nor is telling me how gross you think they are. seriously, what am i suppose to say?

"you're right alan, i'll get straight to work on getting them removed. god, what would i do without you?! don't tell your wife but i LOVE you!"

FUCK!

it's not ok to treat me like that because i look different than you think 'the boss' daughter' is suppose to look like. god!

ok, i know this, in the grand scheme of things, isn't a big deal but he comes in once a week and we have the same goddamn conversation about it. he tells me how gross it is and i laugh to prevent myself from punching him.

/vent.

michelle!

the tattoo saga pt. 14

2006-04-26T16:31:00.000-06:00

i'm composing a super-post about nyc but it's gonna take a while so i thought i'd post some new tattoo pics in the mean time. also, i think this is my 300th post so yay for that!

here's the pics:

this last one is of the megabruise that resulted from the fact that johnny presses really hard and my skin on the flabby part of my arm is really sensitive...

i'm back in on may 8th for more yummies! yay!

xo michelle

p.s. the artwork belongs to johnny faulds at urge2 studios in edmonton. the photos are mine. don't steal!

blogvenge.

2006-04-25T11:07:00.000-06:00

also known as blog revenge!

i'm annoyed. i wanted to brag about my awesome weekend in new york and about how i didn't get too lost on the subway or about how awesome the new parts of my tattoo are but i can't do that right now.

i'm too pissed off. and it's not revenge persay i just want to call attention to something i find annoying.

ANONYMOUS COMMENTS! grr...

it's cool if you don't have a blogger id but leave your goddamn name when you're going to make snide comments.

a friend of mine posted something that annoyed her (as she had every right to do) and some unknown person decided to get up on their high horse and preach to her.

the thing is, i respect your right to have an opinion on everything, i know i do, but i just think it's childish and immature to hide behind anonymity. if you're 'tough' enough to say it for people to read then be 'tough' enough to fucking put your name behind it.

i hate that because of the internerd we feel as if we're exempt from the personal responsibility of treating someone poorly. you aren't. there is still a person behind that. fuck!

and on that note, if someone out there has a problem with me and something i say and do either on here or in real life tell me. often times i don't realise that i've hurt you and i don't mean to. just tell me. we can work it out. i'm still growing as a person and i totally hate that i say stupid shit all the time. keep me posted, friends.

xo.

the tale of the half-hard man***

2006-04-19T13:54:00.000-06:00

before i start a caveat*: i dress like a fucking bum for work every day. there's no such thing as business casual here, despite my office-bitchness. today, for example, i have NOT showered (i did last night), i'm wearing a baggy cursive hoodie, 3/4 length pants, black vans, no socks and i'm listening to black flag right now.

so, i work in a fashion-relaxed environment and i enjoy it BUT i do not enjoy the fact that other people in the automotive industry seem to enjoy their fashion-relaxed work environments a little too much. take pat**, for example, pat's a good guy generally speaking; he's in here a lot and spends a lot of money. spending money makes the higher-ups happy so they don't care that he comes in wearing sweat pants and is...

...ALWAYS VISIBLY HALF-HARD!!

it is so fucking gross. i HATE that i can see the head of this decidedly unattractive man's penis all the time. wear underwear and jerk off before you leave the house or something...

gross! gross! gross!

thus concludes today's saga of the half-hard man but i know he'll be back and i am NOT excited about it...

xo michelle.

*i know someone who uses that word all the time and i love it and never use it so i'm stealing it for this post...
** his name has NOT been changed to protect his anonymity.
*** yes, i realise in the photo the man is not hard and then fully hard but you get the idea. "half erect penis" search might not have gotten me anything...

I HATE RADIO!

2006-04-11T14:15:00.000-06:00

i don't hate radio.

i blame radio for my good taste in music. well, i specifically blame cjsr because those motherfuckers play some damn good music.

BUT my radio at work is old and doesn't pick up cjsr very well. this wasn't a problem before because i used to be able to stream it live from indecline but indecline is gone and so i am relegated to listening to sonic. and frankly, sonic sucks ass.

when they first started about a year ago i was pleased to hear a 'rock' station that didn't play theory of a nickle dead fault and provided a little break from the afternoons of post-rock on cjsr.

sonic may not play any of that horribly shitty cancon rock but really it's no better than the bear. boring music is boring music. i am fucking sick of hearing my obnoxious emo-tastic chemical romancen and rage against the machine over and fucking over again.

yes, they play nirvana and the smashing pumpkins and all that old stuff that makes me all nostalgic but it's mixed in with metric and other such shit...

and don't even fucking get me started on metric!

so i'm sitting here listening to sonic, checking out their website, too lazy to go get a cd from my car and wondering what the fuck is up with this shit.

right now they have this contest thing where listeners can co-host for an hour and in order to do this all you have to do is send the dude who runs the show an email telling him what 20 songs you'd play and then if he likes you maybe you get to go there and play them. so then i wonder, 'should i do this?'...i have good taste in rock music and i'd have fun on the radio. so then i get to thinking, 'what 20 songs would i play?'

i don't know...a little bit from the gossip, maybe something from social distortion, who knows...
the point is i'm pretty sure i'd never get on; i doubt an email stating the following would win me any friends at sonic:

dear adam thompson.

you want me to be your co-host for an hour if for no other reason than to allow the public to hear an hour of good music among 23 other wasted hours. i'm sure the majority of your listeners like bands beside gob and rage against the machine. TURN DOWN THE MOTHERFUCKING SUCK, sonic!

here are my 20 songs...

5 classic punk songs
5 local cool as fuck songs
5 songs from the mid 90s that are waaay too cool for sonic to play
5 songs NOT by the yeah yeah yeahs, the strokes, the white stripes, or any other 'contemporary' rock band...

xo xo michelle kennedy

think that'll get me on the radio.

fuck it! i am going home to tonight and i am going to compile the hottest list of rock songs i own.

god, i'm annoyed and i am sure this post is making me sound like a pretentious bitch who thinks she knows more about what is and isn't listenable then 'professional' radio people but i DO. listening to panic! at the disco and fall out boy interspersed with random alternative classics is not good programming...it's annoying.

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE ARE ANNOYING!

ok...i gotta stop because i could on forever about why listening all day to my chemical romance is going to make me want to kill myself.

and i know there's other music listening devices and usually i'll just put pandora on, type in something i like and chill the fuck out but as you're all aware i'm a bit of a masochist and i like to see just how far they are willing go to annoy me.

xo michelle.

psst...the cops.

2006-04-10T13:52:00.000-06:00

this was a 'draft' from march 29. hmmm...

appropos of nothing, i was just sitting outside on my steps enjoying my evening to myself, smoking a joint and watching the stars pass me by. two seconds, not a word of a lie after i go back inside two police officers come strolling down the street. ha! what would have happened if i'd have still be there? curious? a ticket? nothing? what?! now i'm curious.

what i really wanted to blog about: (before my little almost-run-in with the polizei) i was driving home from a movie when i noticed a sign it said:

SPACE AGE
NUCLEAR AGE
RETRO

and it got me thinking about my comp lit class today and our 'age'...we're living in the what, post-modern? post-post-modern. let's call it the post-post modern for arguments sake since i think the post-modern age ended in the 80s. either way, for a large chunk of time post-modernism was the 'it' theory. what's new and hot in critical discourse? POST-MODERNISM, baby...absolute relativism* all the way! now, i know that not ALL post-modernists subscribe to the notion that every single thing, including the computer screen in front of you, is relative. it's all social construction; but some did and if these some were onto something and absolute relativism is the truth then does morality go out the window? in a world where everything around us is a social construction, even our personal relationships, are we ultimately morally bankrupt. theoretically we can do anything or be whomever we choose...what's the control? and i don't mean moral in the religious sense, i just mean moral in the way that we are generally striving to be nice to our fellow human. are we? bankrupt?

and second, in this age where our sort of collective existential crisis has made us all utterly narcissitic, where has the ability to make fun of ourselves gone? i recently read 'the sokol hoax' and the responses to it. essentially, those who were the victims of the hoax makes claims and excuses to essentially deny the personal hurt they felt when there precious intellectually elistist exclusionary methods were satirized. ACK! who else, if not intellectuals based in cultural studies, are hilarious?! people are hilarious...and this is where i lose it...save draft. edit later.

huh...i wonder why i never edited later? i did however figure out why intellectual discourse is a a bad idea when you're stoned. check out the how spectacularly my ability to fuction completely disintegrates...

fucking new york city!

2006-04-09T16:25:00.000-06:00

"well, my flight arrives at 4:40 so by the time i get through customs and all that shit i should be on manhatten by 6:30 or so..."

i LOVE that i got to say that sentance. i LOVE that i get to get on an airplane and a few layovers and hours later i will land in a whole new world. a world full of new yorkers.

and amidst it all is the familiarity of a friend.

i am so excited. there is something so amazing about new york. the energy is totally frightening and rejunvenating at the same time.

here i come new york! look cuz i am fucking coming and i am going to get as much out of your little island in 3 days as is humanly possible!

xo michelle.

drug summer

2006-04-07T21:43:00.000-06:00

or at least it feels like it is!

i sat outside on my steps this afternoon watching the world go by and decided that this summer is going to be fun and i am going to try new things.

here's a list:

-i'm going to go to a rave. seriously, i have never been to one.
-going along with the rave i am going to try e. yep, i'm serious. i've never done it before.

okay mostly i want to try a bunch of drugs i've never done before. ha ha.
and lots of patio time! so who's up for michelle's drug adventures and patio time?

enjoy!
xo xo michelle.

scrunchy face

2006-04-05T00:23:00.000-06:00

fuck this stupid crush shit. i'm done.

or sorta done. more discerning and skeptical at least. let this be the end of michelle 'the crush slut' kennedy.

DONE!

grrrrrrrrr...

michelle vs. the schmooze

2006-03-31T00:22:00.000-07:00

there exists something more than just heartbreak or love, anger or the absence of. all those or's are a scary thing.

i felt awkward so i left. that's what happens. i go back to a space, a place, an event i've left behind and it makes me awkward. i stick my foot in my mouth, forget my manners, and say things i might regret 21 seconds later. i tell people things they do not want to hear.

i could have gone to the blackdog. bumped into people, saw some friends but i decide against it. it's cold so i decide, instead, to take the bus home. we're all in the same boat on the bus; it's dark, it's cold amd we've got a bus pass or $2.25 ($2.25?!)

whenever i walk home down that street (my street) i always wonder: is tonight going to be the night i run into that person i'd rather not see? tonight i see him. only in passing (thank god)-i look down the alley and i realise how thankful i am to the bus driver who sat for two extra minutes with his feet on the steering wheel. seeing him tonight would only have reminded me that instincts often lead us down dangerous paths and suddenly a hug is a blow job and a quick fuck in a back alley or a longing for something i know i should never want. we all know there are times we want something we should never ever want. we made eye contact in the dark and i knew he knew it was me. he looked back as i did and i know he recognized my green shoes and awkward proportions.

in that skirt my legs look the same as they did wrapped around his torso.

getting called fat out of a car window and a fight when i walk in the door are really the perfect ends to such whole evening.

the schmooze 1, michelle 0.

xo

four poster bed

2006-03-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

i've had a lot to say these past couple of days but i've been editing and steamlining a little so i justed poster four new blog entries but for ease of reading i'll do up a little link thing here:

one:comparison shopping

two:random love-in

three:THE RULES (wherein michelle talks no-strings sex)

four: a rant (motherfucking assholes)

please feel free to comment frequently and wherever you like.

xo michelle.

one: comparison shopping

2006-03-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

recent discussions of feminist critical theory have got me thinking about what it means to be a woman in 2006. sometimes i think that we're all pretty much equal and that sex, gender, race, class, sexual orientation, etc are dwarfed by the fact that in the end we're all human...then i remember that that's MY belief and the belief of most of my close friends but not the belief of the rest of the world...the world is still pretty much fucked with the rich white heterosexual men leading us straight to hell on a road paved with gold and 'terrorist' threats.

so what is it like to be a woman in 2006 and i think it's tied closely to our place as consumers. essentially we are comparison shoppers. we're a product and we're always looking for something better to replace ourselves with.

"i want her tits!"

"no, i want her teeth!"

her eyes. her hair. her abs. her heart. her lungs. her ribs. thighs. calves.

i want to BE her instead of me. we can BE whoever we want to be because we can BUY whatever we want. we then get all freaked out because we can't afford to be who we feel we're suppose to be. who we're told we should want to be.

but i think in all this comparison shopping and looking for a better deal or a better future or a better boyfriend or a better whatever we forget that there are probably other women looking at us and comparing their own teeth, hair, jeans, spleen, etc to our own.

i think we've all been so convinced that we simply aren't good enough for whatever we need to be good enough for. and i'm equally guilty of this, we all are. i spend large parts of my days wishing i looked, acted, spoke, thought differently then i do. but i don't. and at some point i have to accept that. i'm not at that point yet.

so who's to blame for comparison shopping? i don't want to come right out and say MEN are to blame! or THE MEDIA is to blame! we're ALL to blame. you can't change anyone but yourself right? right. i think. i don't know. i just know that i don't want to want to be anyone else, even for just a day. i don't want to want what someone else has. i just want to be content.

perhaps discontent is the post-modern condition. i don't know. all this feminist theory has just got me thinking about how i define my own feminity and i realise that a lot of women (myself included) define themselves based on other women and idealized views of women presented by men (oftentimes). perhaps harold bloom's* theory of the 'anxiety of influence' stems beyond artistic creation and into our everydays lives. perhaps we worry because we feel that we cannot begin to compete with the cannonical women set up by men, by the media, by who we're conditioned to believe that we should be. we're undoubtedly influenced by all those things and HOW can we realistically be expected to compete.

but why compete? why not sit down and recognize that we are ALL awesome in our own ways. that every single person is totally rad for all their own individual tastes. i look at my friends and they are amazing actors, writers, musicians, dancers, huggers, geniuses, teachers, and friends and yet so many of them long to be someone else. someone more 'attractive' or more interesting or just MORE. gosh friends, realise how amazing you are. you're AMAZING friends! you put up with me! that's fucking something right there...

i'm getting off topic and i don't know what the point it. i just know it's too hard and takes too much energy to spend time wishing you were someone else with better abs.

somehow i always manage to get waaay off the the point i was on when i started but there it is.

xo michelle.

*yeah, i know harold bloom is a misogynistic psychoanaylitic critic but i am re-appropriating his theory so there!

two: random love in...

2006-03-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

* a vacancy sign with a no vacancy sign underneath

*looking into people's lit up apartments as i walk by in the dark (crrreeeepy!)

*neurotic eating habits and the pile of crumbs that results from the complete annhilation of a cookie!

*JILL BARBER coming to town and i didn't know until just now!

*neko case makes my heart a little bit happy.

*my cell phone

*walking home at 1am when it's cold and the tips of my fingers kind of hurt in that way that reminds you why you love living in the prairies

*being tired without the tiredness being overwhelming

*the excitement of new friendships.

*V FOR VENDETTA! go see this fucking movie! it's amazing. i can't yet articulate what it did for me but go see it! i'm hoping i can write something coherant about it soon...

...

xo michelle.

three: THE RULES (wherein michelle talks no-strings sex)

2006-03-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

here's the thing. i was never lonely before i let someone spend the night. once you know the feeling of having someone so close to you all night. the feeling of waking up wrapped up so tight in someone's arms. the feeling of knowing that when you get out of the shower they'll still be there waiting to wrap you up again and kiss you. but now i know how that feels and i can't shake wanting that. i was ok until i felt that safe. that close. and now that seems to far off and all it makes me want to do is cry.

this is a lonliness i have never felt. it's terrifying and overwhelming and completely all-consuming. i can actually feel it. pin point it. and it makes me sadder than i have ever been.

truthfully, no one had ever spent the night. we'd have fun and he'd leave and i was good with that. when they stay and hold onto you all night long you start to realise what you've been missing. i'd blocked so much of the past and that first love out of my head that i'd forgotten what that feels like. and that's the part that sucks.

girls can, just as easily as guys, have 'fuck buddies' but i'm willing to wager that there are rules. or, at least there are for me.

(why am i blogging about this?)

so here are the rules:

1. fuck friendship. we are not 'friends with benefits' we're people who know each other and are attracted to each other and have sex but do not date. if i wanted to hang out with you and fuck you i'd probably just try to date you. (now obviously this is different from when you get wasted and have sex with a good friend...)

2. don't get jealous, possesive or tell me about the other girls you're fucking.

3. call me when you want sex and i'll do the same. it works.

4. there will be no sleepovers unless one (or both) of us is too drunk to move. if that happens there is NO snuggling. snuggling results in attachment.

5. the dirtier the sex the better. please do not try to 'make love' to me. we're fuck buddies and therefore we fuck!

6. should we happen to bump into each other in public and decide to meet up later we will NOT leave together but a quickie in the bathroom is always an option.

7. be well kept. i'm not your girlfriend and i still care what you look, smell, and taste like. love hasn't made that shit obsolete for us.

8. there is no us.

9. don't call me if it's not strictly for sex.

10. getting me stoned will always work in your favour.

11. according to maxim 'the more piercings a girl has the more places she'll let you stick it'...i have nine. assume nothing because you read maxim.

and last but not least...

12. you must NOT have a tiny penis and you MUST give amazing head. bad head will get you kicked out! (and vice versa i assume, yeah?)

i guess i just felt that in light of recent events i needed to get some of this off my chest and yes, this is a bit tounge-n-cheek or whatever but there's so much floating around in my head right now that i just wanted to write about sex.

ha ha.

and this was restrained. i didn't want to alienate some of my readers by casting light on too many aspects of my life...the rest of you already know all there is no know anyways. maybe one day i'll start an erotica blog or something. first, i probably need to have more sex. shit...

michelle.

four: a rant (motherfucking assholes)

2006-03-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

last thursday i was casually browsing around (read: wasting time) on indecline when i came across a little concert annoucemnt for wintersleep, contrived and jill barber and HOLY FUCK do i ever LOVE jill barber. so miss mary louise and i decide to head to head down to the ol' victory lounge to check it out. we get there at 9:15ish doors were at 8 and then we wait. we waited for a long-ass time. and while we wait we are surrounded by drunk asshole screaming at the tv. (the hockey game)

so jill barber starts her set and it's quiet and melodic and pretty and deserves the attention of the audience. but does she get it? no. instead midway through gorgeous little ditties about broken hearts on the prairie she is interrupted by loud cheers from those idiots watching the hockey game. first of all, why was the television left on during her set? and second of all...have some fucking respect for the artist up on stage.

she made some joke about hockey and the tv was (finally) turned off but that didn't help the atmosphere. i want to tell all of you something: in a place like victory lounge the person on stage can hear you talking over her singing. it's rude and she's there to entertain you. let her do her fucking job and you might actually enjoy yourself. if you don't want to watch jill barber, or whoever else, play then leave and come back afterwards or have a little fucking respect for the people who do want to stay and LISTEN. now, i'm not saying that you can't talk, i talk. i'm just saying that there is NO reason to have a LOUD conversation about something entirely unrelated to what's going on onstage to the detriment of those trying to listen to the music or to the performer.

and it was evident that she noticed too. her set was short and awkward and you could tell she was glad to get off that stage.

jerks! i hope that everyone in that crowd was an indie folk musician so i can go to all their shows and talk (at the top of my lungs) about stds and yeast infections or something.

have a little fucking respect for the fact that an artist has taken her time to do a show for you. i know you'd expect the same.

oh AND AND AND to add insult to the weird vibe of the night the kokanee girls were at the show last night dressed in silver cat suits and furry boots whoring themselves and shitty beer all around the room. what's happened to that place? to this city? i'm truly at a loss as to what's going on...

michelle.

the velvet undergroud doesn't look very velvety

2006-03-19T01:29:00.000-07:00

"it's one of those days where you wanna try heroin, drunk driving or some form of soft suicide"
-the weakerthans

fuck me i love the weakerthans.

anyways, 7 drinks in i do sort of want to brush the 2ft of snow from my car and drive around town. obviously i'm not going to and no, i don't have some sort of emo death wish; i was just hoping for something a little more this evening. something exciting. something that ended in puking outside starlite while someone held my drink...or something...something other than text messaging an old old friend from the lrt at just after midnight.

if i were a cheerleader my cheer would be 'GO EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM!'

night night.

m.

fucking douchebags

2006-03-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

as i was getting lunch this afternoon i saw this douchebag with a HUGE sticker on the back window of his truck that said the following:

"the right way: straight pride" and had a picture of a man and a woman holding hands

that shit makes me want to puke and key his fucking car. when are people going to realise that who someone has sex with has absolutely no bearing on who they are as a person. homosexuals can no more choose their sexual orientation then heterosexuals can. and jesus christ, sexuality is so fluid these days and definitions become harder and harder all the time...

i should get a big sticker made that says:

"intolerance kills kittens and hope"

or

"keep driving that truck, asshole, i didn't want to have kids anyways"

or

"fuck you, douchebag"

and yes, i understand that people have the right to their opinions but people also have the right to feel safe and protected when they're getting a sandwich or walking down the street or wherever...your personal rights and freedoms cannot infringe upon the personal rights and freedoms of others. keep your hateful shit at home and i'll try not to key your car or make out with your girlfriend when i see you the next time...

sigh...

michelle.

...

2006-03-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

i'm in a bad mood today.

i don't really know why. i'm still thinking a lot about a weird little situation that happened a month or so ago...

i'm wondering if i handled it the way i should have. or if i AM handling it the way i should be...

i'm just sad and mad and i am not sure why and what i should do about it. crawling under my desk seems like a good idea. so does getting really fucking stoned and going to sleep.

i don't know kids, i just don't know.
and i'm worrying...a lot. about a lot of stuff.

christ shit fuck damn.

i dunno, y'know.

michelle.

i feel the need for speed!

2006-03-11T15:01:00.000-07:00

i met him! i actually met the infamous 'wingman'!

the wingman is a part of the current male zietgiest (ha ha!) or something...
it refers to to half a pair of males where when one of the duo finds a girl he'd like to dance with, grope, whatever his friend is then required to distract her friend. hence the term: wingman-the boys protective spirit. the one who 'takes one for the team'. or something.

anyways, last night i had my first wingman experience and it was fucking hilarious. actually, it probably wasn't my first wingman experience but it was the first time i was completely aware of it. perhaps it was the harsh light of sobriety or perhaps it was the fact that jesse-the wingman-wasn't a very good wingman.

so here's what happened.

clarice, carmen and i went to see shout out out out out at the powerplant and then wanted to continue partying so at around 1:30 or so we braved the snowstorm and headed downtown to halo. as soon as we arrived at halo carmen and i made our way to the dance floor while clarice went to get some drinks. three seconds on the dance floor and this dude in a yellow shirt grabs carmen and starts dancing with him. i just keep dancing, i didn't care. clarice was coming back and the song was good-or at least keeping me on the floor. so three seconds after carmen starts dancing with mr. yellow shirt i meet the wingman.

wingman: hey!
me: hi. (big smile. whatever, i'm in a good mood)
wingman: did i button my shirt up wrong?
me: what? (what? it was loud)
wingman: did i button my shirt up right? or are they all messed up?
me: lemme see...(i look) nope. dude, you did it perfectly, congratulations!
wingman: so where were you lovely ladies before this?
me: uh...we were at the powerplant to see a band.
wingman: what band?
me: shout out out out out
wingman: whitey houston! i love whitey houston!
me: no. shout out out out out. but the dudes from whitey houston are in shout out out...
wingman: yeah, i love whitey houston! and the powerplant. i know the powerplant. i go to the university...
me: yeah, they're fun too.
wingman: i saw whitey houston once.
me: at the powerplant?
wingman: nope. at new city.
me: cool. yeah, i've seen them at new city a couple of times.
wingman: cool. was tonight good?
me: yep! it was rad. a totally fun show and it was free so even if it wasn't as good at least it didn't cost anything.
wingman: FREE?
me: yep. free! they were recording it for cbc radio.
wingman: cool.
me: have you guys been here all night?
wingman: yep. we got here a couple hours ago and we've just been drinking...well, should we dance since our friends are dancing?
me: sure, whatever.
we dance for a while and then the song ends. carmen and yellow shirt guy stop dancing and mr. yellow shirt walks away.
wingman: well, thanks for the dance. i'm jesse. what's your name?
me: michelle.
wingman: well michelle it was nice meeting you. i'm sure i'll see you at the university sometime. bye...
me: seeya.

thus ends my saga with the wingman. i wish you could have actually heard my conversation with this guy about whitey/shout out... it was the funniest thing ever.

girls don't really have a wingman equivalent do they?

happy saturday!
michelle.

thinking with my vagina.

2006-03-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

apparently i think, almost constantly, with my vagina.

apparently.

apparently i also have some serious issues with men.

or so i'm told.

i know what you're thinking, 'michelle, you seem so well adjusted and so unconcerned with sex. i doubt you ever think with your vagina. what kind of evidence is there to support these claims?'

ha ha. ok maybe i do think with my vagina from time to time. sometimes she knows better than me what i need. sometimes. other times she gets me in trouble. yeah, it's fun at the time. either way we have a pretty good relationship and we're pretty balanced in who's doing the thinking.

but my issues with men. whatever. this isn't the time or the place to get into that discussion but i thought i would share the supposed evidence that proves these MEGA-issues that i seem to have:

1) last year i went to see ...and you'll know us by the trail of dead and the (international) noise conspiracy and i HATED ...trail of dead. i thought they were an overly-masculine cock rock band that spent the majority of the evening cumming all over the audience's face. it just read as an example of a guitar being an extension of the phallus. to me it was boring and if i wanted to watch someone jerk off i'd have stayed home and watched free porn.

2) i hate HATE HATE 'waking life' i think it's a wank on existentialism that was designed to impress fellow film students with and to get undergrads into bed. it's an overly-masculine take on existentialism that fails miserably and ends up being a pretentious pile of nothing.

just because it's a discussion of existential crisis doesn't make it awesome. i know, existentialism is uber-trendy but pick up a book on existentialism or watch something that wasn't made to make the film makers look cool and then we'll chat. OR sit down and actually attempt to have a discussion with me about it. i am willing even to watch it again. i love having my mind changed by a piece of work i'd previously written off...

and finally 3) my cd collection. according mr. pop-psychology 101 my cd collection further proves my issues with men. apparently kelly clarkson, anti-flag, bright eyes, matthew dear and a lot of tom waits underscore some deep deep seeded issues. apparently an eclectic collection spanning a number of years and genres is infallible proof of the fact that i hate men.

so obviously i challenge this. i ask for more concrete proof. i ask for him to tell me me which album proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that either a) my vagina made that purchase; or b) that i was afraid of masculinity. (my vagina has purchased some of them but not the one's you'd think...)

the thing was so silly about all of it is that trail of dead and waking life were the only two artistic creations we'd ever discussed and that the one time we tried to talk about his art he dismissed what i had to say as shallow and immature. 'you'll grow out of that opinion michelle' is a childish response to criticism-childish at best.

and god forbid i even attempted to get into a discussion that traditional ideas of 'masculine' and 'feminine' are social constructs and are severely outdated-i'm sure he'd dismiss that idea as being elitist and call me a pseudo-intellectual and then talk about myspace or something. god!

and the thing of it all is that i CHOSE not to get into it with him. he's obviously the one with the issues about his own masculinity. i think for him admitting that my opinion is my own and therefore valid would negate his personal belief that he's somehow enlightened beyond traditional views of masculinity-when he really isn't. to disagree with me in discussion form would be to admit an enjoyment of that which i view to be hyper-masculine. if he were we could actually have a discussion about this and he would dismiss me as being shallow or insecure in my relationships with men or with my sexuality. apparently nothing is scarier challenge to an alpha-male than a girl with an opinion about gender and gender relationships as they relate to art.

quick boys, run away!

m.

79% off gold! one day only!

2006-03-04T01:43:00.000-07:00

hthe darkest parts of snowy nights are my favourite for two reasons:

1. the contemplative quiet of the snow. (it's too cold out to dress like a hooker and puke outside my house)

2. the glow reflected off the snow makes it feel like another side of day. a day half-shadowed where anything can happen.

today was a day where the numbers made all the difference.

one set of numbers confirms something i knew needed to be dealt with
one set of numbers gets you in touch with someone you love and don't see enough of and finally a third set of numbers tells you why it's a-ok to buy a $95 gold purse. $95 gold for $20...a girl can't ask for anything else.

oh, and there's a fourth. 2. that's for the two 4" heels i'm learning to wear. and i mean learning. who needs the gym to have nice calves, just walk three blocks in stilettos.

today has been a day.

also, i'm planning a trip to nyc-just a long weekend. nothing to special. maybe see a band and a play that i'll never see in edmonton. eat a cupcake with 4'' of icing at the magnolia bakery and get lost a MoMA for a day...who's in?! seriously, anyone care to join me? new york is fun and everyone can use a weekend in the really big city full of really fabulous shit!

*mwah. nite nite fare travellers.

m. n. k.

pleased.

2006-03-02T00:56:00.000-07:00

what a pleasant day/evening i had.

i was not expected at work today due to a sudden influx of snow so i slept in a bit, ate a delicious orange and went to the gym. i like working out at 10am; the gym is far less crowded and the people there are far less likely to be whorey stripper wanna be's trying to pick up equally whorey boy stripper wanna be's. the overly tanned pheromones are enough to make a pasty girl puke all over her elliptical trainer.

after a hard workout i came home, had a nice shower and caught the bus to school. school afforded me the opportunity to say a farewell to my sartre paper. i assure you, there was no love lost between us when i said goodbye. yes, i'll get it back but then it will be only as a visitor and will have very little impact on my life. unless i do poorly on it, then i may have to burn it. i think i will also attempt to get a jump on my presentation and my long paper (7000 words! ack!)-both are due at the end of the month. yipes!

class was interesting today. oh, a little back story: since i finished my degree last june i have been feeling a little bit um...scholastically and intellectually diminished so i decided to go back to school and take one class that would be a challenge. being the theory nerd that i am i registered in comparative literature 448. the official title of the class was 'studies in critical theory' which left the topic of discussion to be determined by the prof.-he chose authorship. i'd be lying if i said it wasn't a challenge and that i wasn't overwhelmed by the abundance of grad students in my class. so yeah, today we talked about plato, medieval lit. theory and post-colonialism as it relates to salmon rushdie's 'the satanic verses'. all in all a very interesting day and the rushdie discussion was particularly interesting. i was pleased that one of my classmates was able to offer a muslim perspective. it made me realise how little i know about islam and the muslim faith.

following class i spent a little time with my mom and then met ashley and andy for dinner at cafe mosaics. i love making new friends. both those girls are fantastic people and i can't wait to spend more time with them and get to know them better. hopefully we will be able to see more of each other more often. ashley and i do see each other fairly regularly but rarely do we chat and spend any real time together. mostly we just bump into each other. i believe the phrase is 'concentric social circles' right? ;)

also, cafe mosaics is the height of yummy. vegan chocolate cake will change your life!

so here i am. feeling particularly enamored with jane austin. rachel and i have just returned from seeing 'pride and predjudice'. and while i can't say that i support the ideas of ms. austin's age i am impressed with her ability to take some step beyond what i imagine to be a severely patriarchal society and allow her female characters some semblance of personal agency. yes, they will end up married and referring to their husbands as mr. but they will take their time getting there and perhaps get there on their own terms. either way, the movie was fun and romantic and seeing those jane austin things always leaves me slightly girly and longing for a boy to love me having never even kissed me.

i hope you all had an equally wonderful day.
we should hang out more often, dear friends. for i miss you. even those of you far far away or that i have yet to meet.

xo michelle.

burning angel suicide girls

2006-02-28T00:46:00.000-07:00

gosh, i am procrastinating like fuck right now.
who cares, sartre would probably enjoy this post!

so, given derelict's recent dismissal by the suicide girls and the subsequent discussion that i have surmised the following:

-pasty white girls with tattoos, piercings and real boobs are hot.

that's me! i'm pasty, tattooed, pierced and my boobs are VERY real.

ok, it wasn't only derelict's blog. i like that shit. those girls are HOT. so are those boys. anybody know of any hot tattooed naked boy sites?

so anyways, i think that after i fulfill my little goal (ie: to not be fat anymore) i am going to submit some pictures! not to the suicide girls though. i think that they fetishizes a certain few sub-cultures in a way that doesn't celebrate bodies in all their modified glory but marginalizes them as the Other to be gawked at...i think it's because of how mainstream they've become. anyone who says that suicide girls have remained 'indie' has never seen porn for punks. (that shit is...shitty. ha!)

i think i'll send my shit to burning angel. it all feels a little better. less about marketing and merchandise and more about awesomely hot naked girls. it also seems to celebrate rather than objectify girls who've made a choice to look a little different. less glossy and less hoodies for sale!

i LOVE my body! seriously, i love everything about it. i love my skin and my tattoos and my pierced nipples and all of it and all the soft parts. i'm really super comfortable with my sexuality and with discovering all the different kinds of pleasure available to this rad amount of skin. i've got like 5 feet and 7 inches of skin! awesome! i think my body, everyone's body, should be celebrated. all that being said, i have a realistic understanding of how other people view my body so i'm not quite ready to bare all yet. gimme a few months out of the sun and in the gym and then we'll go from there. even if i never submit anything to a real website or whatever i am going to get some pics done (when my sleeve is finished) just to celebrate, y'know.

naked girls with lots of tattoos ARE hot! ha ha!

man, i gotta get back to work. *barf*

michelle.

the tattoo saga pt. 13

2006-02-26T01:30:00.000-07:00

lucky thirteen.

in my quest for new skin, new shimmering colourful skin i have posted 12 other times! amazing! i don't think i even whine about boys this much...do i?

some history:
the tattoo saga pt. 7
wherein i decide johnny's gonna be the one to do it and then get a little star in anticipation.

the tattoo saga pt. 1
wherein i decide to document the quest...

so here we are and that little history less was pretty...um...boring.

anyways, lucky 13 proved to be the most painful to date and the most exciting. last friday (february 17, 2006) marked the completion of a full half-sleeve. the lower part of my arm (save for the boxes and some touch-ups and some small parts here and there) is done! $900 and 12-ish hours later i'm half done!

check it:

again, tattoo done by johnny at urge2 studios. pictures are mine (taken by rachel) so don't steal!
xo michelle.

p.s. i know they look sorta scabby...welcome to the healing process!

2:22am

2006-02-25T02:22:00.000-07:00

red wine drunk.
looking for stolen kisses in back alleys. finding none.

wanna go for a cup of tea, sometime?

i love nights that turn into endless conversation. and i walk home along saskatchewan drive singing along (outloud) to songs i barely know the words to. cabbies don't stop unless you flag them down.

somehow i'm not tired. contentedness isn't exhaustion and tomorrow i will ache.

c'est la vie when austrialians are involved.

come visit me? please...

m.

2:46am

2006-02-22T03:05:00.000-07:00

i'm awake.

and i'm sort of annoyed by the fact that i am awake and have no partner in insomnia. i wish i knew someone who didn't sleep the way i don't sleep. periods of insomnia. weeks here and there...that way we could call each other at 2:46am and meet for tea and the kind of chats that can only happen at 2:47am when you're both longing for a good night's rest but know it will never come.

i know 2:47am isn't all that late but it's tuesday and i have to work tomorrow morning and my arm hurts and i know that 2:48am whining is indicative of both 3:48am and 4:48am whining. i am sort of hoping that my blog will bore me to death (as i am sure it does you).

insomnia aside.

i'm feeling ballsy these days. something i thought would end with secret deliveries and angry emails has got me itching for direct confrontation. who the fuck am i to back down.

and i read something the other day. a link to a recent article in our very own vue weekly...
emma sasse had the following to say:

"If, as everyone from spiritual leaders to social activists tell me, nothing is real but connection and relationships, then fake worlds atomize us, render us less than animal in our base, self-interested calculations, and, above all, absolve us of being accountable to one another."
(read the whole piece here)

and i am accountable. i can't simply absolve myself from something that i got involved in. sure, all the circumstances were not made available to me (hell, none of them were) but here we are. i've made my cliched and proverbial bed and if i can fuck in it i'd sure as hell better be able to lie in it. on all counts.

and then there was this crush i had. i thought about saying to this crush, 'hey, you seem cool. we should have a drink sometime' but i've since changed my mind. or i think i've changed my mind. i can't be certain.

i do know that i have been doing the theatre thing again lately. partly out of obligation and a need to remind people that i exist before i have to start promoting the shit out of the three (THREE) shows i have coming up; and partly out of a real desire to immerse myself back into it. i have three shows coming up and as much as i wish they were plays aren't rock shows and i am not a promoter. i have to get my head back in the game so i don't fuck it up right before half-time...or something. sports metaphors were never my thing.

i'm rambling.

it's now 3:00am. sorry, 3:01am. mountain standard time. i am resisting the urge to get so stoned that i pass out. i never sleep well that way and wake up feeling worse the next morning.

my arm is looking fantastic. itchy and sort of tight sunburnt feeling but beautiful. it almost makes me feel beautiful.

oh, and i made one of those dolls. it made me mad because they didn't have options for curly hair, facial piercings or gunts. nor did they have the standard michelle fashion of jeans, hoodie, long-sleeve...if they had a fat doll and a bright eyes hoodie i'd have been set.

everyone knows what a gunt is, right?
ha ha.

i think i will end this magnificant case of the rambles with that thought...

night night!
morning morning!

xo michelle.

that sweet sweet ache.

2006-02-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

as i push in the door there is little noise. the welcome feeling of bells. i sit. the warm leather couch makes me feel at home. warm.

waiting is killer. the seconds tick by. i want it now because i know what's going to happen. how it's going to feel. how i'm going to feel.

and then i hear that sweet sound in the distance. behind a wall. i smell the smell of clean and that sweet sweet sound. i ache for it. the anticipation is too much. it's been too long. december.

and then he emerges from the back. greets me and slips his hands into those purple sheathes. they'll protect us both from my blood and what's to follow.

i take off my black hoodie. there's green underneath. spring, perhaps? something new for sure.

i sit down. he touches me. that first touch. the anticipation rises and every nerve on my body is ready. excited: jumping at the impending intensity of his touch and the touch of the needle.

and then it begins. as simple as that. that first rush of pain is my favourite. the first trickle of blood and that first site of colour. my skin changes. it swells and stings and aches and bleeds with each pass and i swell and sting and ache and bleed knowing that under all this my new skin is growing. my skin that looks like no one else's skin.

he puts his full weight on my arm. focused. eyes darting across my skin as quickly as the needle. my hand brushes his ribs, thigh, chest, elbow. a series of intimate touches.

and then that moment arrives. i've been expecting it. that moment where the pain is so much that i let out a small wimper. where every muscle in my body contracts in response. then it passes. i know it's coming again so i don't release immediately. i let it out slowly and the cycle continues. pain and a slight release.

it's the end that i long for as much as that first sting. the moment when i can let go completely. the blood and ink are wiped clean and all that remains is my new skin. fresh and raised begging me to look to at it. to show it off. i look in the mirror and i smile. my body lets go. it sighs a happy sigh and the muscles relax. my heart slows and i take normal breathes. i sit for a moment. coming down. feeling myself fall into a deep relaxation and calm. the dull ache reminds me of what's happened over those past three hours. but i smile.

i get dressed. i put on my coat. and i take my new skin home. it feels like home. and i am happy here.

a-ha!

2006-02-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

ha ha. i just had one of those moments where it clicked.

i think i'm gonna stick to my 'stay sober for a week' plan...

xo m.

things i don't get about porn.

2006-02-16T10:36:00.001-07:00

so ok, there are a coupla things i don't understand about porn. literally two. there are a lot of things about pornography that don't appeal to me but that i understand them as being part of fetish. here are the things i don't get:

1) why do they leave their shoes on? and what's so attractive about a girl in 7 inch platform stilettos?
think about it this way, if your fucking someone wearing shoes and you don't dig the pain of a stiletto digging into your back then why? in certain positions my feet are everywhere, i couldn't imagine how annoyed i'd be if incumbered by shoes...and y'know what, those shoes are HEAVY!

2) performing oral sex on a strap-on.
intellectually i totally get it but i just can't get past that...i always fast forward through that part.

anyways, i'm blogging about porn because i'd rather keep my mind on things that are superficially baffling than things that are actually baffling to me.

oh, and winter is here...
and my car has frozen itself into a block of ice just in case i hadn't noticed that i was winter.

m.

fuck what you heard...

2006-02-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

...people are rarely as they seem. i'm learning this on an almost daily fucking basis.

not the point.

over beers last night and emails today with a good friends it appears the general consensus on mood these days (with some happy exceptions) is that of confusion.

i'm blaming the weather. truthfully. i know it's the cliched right of all canadians to bitch about the weather but if we can't even count on the weather to be shitty how can we count on anything as tenuous as emotions or our feelings about something/someone?

so much has happened and so much changes with every step we take and with every day that passes. what we think we know doesn't exist more than 45 seconds later. the one thing that had always remained constant (albeit constantly shitty) was the weather.

the frozen prairie was our solace. we knew the days would be cold and the beer and our friends would warm us if we could bundle our hearts and blood up enough make it out of our houses. i go to leave my house and i don't even know what coat to wear...

this is melodramatic, i know. but i don't think it's without foundation. we are affected by the rotation of the earth and the sunshine and the clouds and the wind all of that...

i am having trouble with maintaining motivation and social skills. there are things being left unsaid left right and centre. there are misplaced tears and unused smiles. there are nights when i should have gone out but my television and drugs offered a closer and easier comfort.

i don't know where this is all going. i don't know what tomorrow holds for me. maybe drinks with friends and strangers and industrial electronica. maybe a skateboard post-rock auction. maybe a movie with old and new sisters. maybe all of it. maybe none of it.

but here's what i'm thinking, and maybe i'm wrong but i started this post in a weird head space and things are clearing up a bit...maybe we should learn to count on uncertainty. we long for certainty, for symmetry, for all of the things that make us feel balanced but maybe we should relish in uncertainty for just a moment. maybe we should take small joy in not knowing what coat to wear or who we'll see or who we'll love or who will fuck us over...

ready.

take a deep breath.

jump for joy right...

NOW!

did you do it? i did a little dance.

ok. i'm going to bed and back to being confused for the time being. maybe i'll take comfort in the certainty of confusion...

...or something.

xo michelle.

the levity of longing

2006-02-11T01:04:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling good about this song, about it words and i want you to feel good about it too so read on:

some planes were made and rice was thrown.
a house was built.
a baby born.
how time can move both fast and slow amazes me.
so i raise my glass to symmetry,
to that second hand and its accuracy.
to the actual size of everything.
the desert is the sand.
you can't hold it in your hand.
it won't bow to your demands.

there's no difference you can make,
there's no difference you can make.

and if it seems like an accident,
a collage of senselessness,
you aren't looking hard enough.
i wasn't looking hard enoughat at it.

an argument for conciousness.
the instinct of the blind insect who makes love to the flower bed and dies in the first freeze.
i want to learn such simple things.
no politics.
no history.
until what i want and what i need can finally be the same.

i just got myself to blame.
leave everything up to fate.
when there are choices i could make.
choice i could make.

now my heart needs a polygraph.
always so eager to pack my bags when i really want to stay.
i really want to stay.
i want to stay.

the arc of time.
the stench of sex.
the innocence you can't protect.
each quarter note.
each marble step.
walk up and down.
that lonely treble clef.
each wanting the next one to arrive.

an argument for conciousness.
the instinct of the blind insect.
who never thinks not to accept its fate.
that's faith.
there is happiness in death.

you give to the next one down the line.
the levity of longing that distills each dream inside my head.
by morning water down forget.
on silver stars i wish and wish and wish.
from one to the next one.
from one to the next right down the line.

you get to the next one.
you get to the next one down the line.

that song is called 'i believe in symmetry' by bright eyes (lyrics conor oberst) from the 2005 release digital ash in a digital urn (saddle creek)

it's a song that's been on my mind. if i sat down with conor oberst and could only talk about one song it would be this one! there are part of it that speak to me as if written ABOUT me and parts that piss me off in their simplicity and complacent whining...

i dunno dear friends, it speaks. it yells. at me. and i dig that shit.

xo m.

i found a liquid cure...

2006-02-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

i wish i was in vancouver.

the sun and the smell of the ocean and old feelings that come back every once in a while.

landlocked blues perhaps?

what is it that ben says? 'even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men'
well, i'm no lover but i miss the ocean and the sometimes i hate impassable mountains that make it seem so far off.

maybe i need to go there. a little trip. maybe the sea air would be better for me than a trip to that smoggy eastern city.

xo m.

porn! porn! porn!

2006-02-01T00:14:00.000-07:00

so a couple of weeks ago leah and eli happened to be walking past my house when they noticed that one of my neighbours had a visible pornography collection.

i hadn't seen it and i was pretty much convinced that it didn't exist. i thought they got the wrong street or something...

BUT I SAW IT!

I SAW IT!

i was coming home this afternoon and i saw it!

and i also saw a treadmill. so here's what i figure: these boys work out staring at porn hoping HOPING if they use the treadmill and it makes them all hot, ripped and in excellent cardiac shape they'll get to fuck girls that look like that and show of their stamina!

or, if they work out then they get to jerk off?

tell me boys? why hang naked pictures of girls on your living room wall for all walking-past strangers to see?

either way, i got a good laugh so thanks leah and eli for giving me a laugh...or for pointing out a place where a laugh was...:D

m.

i'm sad.

2006-01-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

i've been hurt. i can't talk about it. for legal reasons. seriously.

but you think you know someone and it's completely amazing how quickly and easily a 4+ year friendship can be thrown away for a few dollars...

and what do i have? nothing. i pay my rent, my debt, get some food and maybe go out and buy a couple cds and get drunk a couple times a month. maybe get tattooed if i have a little extra but i don't have a lot.

i'm heartbroken.

michelle.

i wrote on paper with a sharpie

2006-01-27T01:15:00.000-07:00

and it may be a little while before what i wrote is out there-out here-for you all to read.

it's a MANIFESTO!-yes, a manifesto! but to me the manifesto is the first step in an actual plan so i don't want to jump the gun by sharing it too quickly.

i'd feel dumb if it all fell apart.

to me, manifestos have always felt like the first step in something bigger and i need to be on the path to step two before the world sees step one, y'know. i just feel like i need to make some calls and solidify a few things (like some help at the very least) before my plot is revealed.

but why? i can tell you why.

i'm fucking bored and depressed and mad. and i'm depressed and mad because of how fucking bored i am. i think being back in school, even as ridiculously part time as i am there, made me realise how school conditioned me. i NEED to be busy. i exist better when i have 700 things to do.

and truthfully, i'm angry with myself. i'm up late resting on my laurels. sure, i did a show in september but it's fucking january and what have i done. i keep telling people, 'i'm in pre-production for a fringe show!' and i am but that's a bit of a fabrication because the play isn't even finished.

i'm just sitting. i make such a big deal that we started this company and did everything without the help of some miraculous benefactor but what the fuck have i done since? besides talk a good game? NOTHING!

so that's it. i'm tired of sitting under a tree waiting for an apple to fall on my head. i'm fucking doing what i need to do.

enter the manifesto!

so what i hope now is that i get my shit together, cash in every favour ever and get done what i need to get done. i'll need help (PLEASE!) and i'll need people to come look at the results (PRETTY PLEASE) but i think it can be done. i HOPE it can be done.

if it's like ben says, that 'every plan is tiny prayer to father time' than i hope he's listening.

that was rambly...

night night.

xo michelle.

p.s. i think this guy might be doing my new headshots. i HOPE he's doing them cuz he's pretty much the raddest dude with a camera in this city!

ultra violet deep red

2006-01-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

so i'm a red head! it's pretty bright today! exciting! HOT! i LOVE red hair and i forgot how much i love it!

it's such a change from the black.

and i talked to johnny today! i'm getting more work done on my sleeve on the 17th of february. should be rad!

that man is sooo cool. in the same sentance he swears like a trucker and tells me he's going to go see la boheme and then calls me kitten. crazy. i love him!

xo m.

we both reached for the gun

2006-01-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

sorry the blog has been sucky lately.

no titles.

drunk posting.

vague.

gawd, i promise it won't suck anymore.

xo m.

by the numbers

2006-01-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

so the election has come and gone.

amidst a flurry of slander and scandal the conservative party of canada led by the infamous stephen harper has won a minority government.

here's how it broke down:

Party Elected Seats in 2004 Vote Share Vote Share in 2004
CON 124 99 36.25% 29.61%
LIB 103 135 30.22% 36.71%
BQ 51 54 10.48% 12.40%
NDP 29 19 17.49% 15.69%
IND 1 n/a 0.52% n/a
OTH n/a 1 5.05% 5.6%

for you non-canadians out there:

to form a majority government the elected party must have 155 elected seats
CON-conservative (led by stephen harper)
LIB-liberal (formerly led by paul martin...there will now be a leadership race to appoint a new leader)
BQ-bloc quebecois (a quebec only party led by gilles duceppe)
NDP-new democrat party (led by jack layton)
IND-independent
OTH- other. (includes green, marxist-leninist, etc...)

also yeah for us canada! voter turn out was a whopping 64.9%. that's up from last year's 60.9% which happened to be the lowest turnout since 1898! 64.9% isn't great but it's better than last year so that's something...

for more information and results go here (the cbc)

so yeah. that's that. i've been thinking about this all day and wondering what was going to happen to us, to canadian, now that harper is prime minister. it's sort of scary thought, right-wing christians in positions of governance are always a scary thought (george bush anyone?). the previous liberal government made some really positive changes in the past little while and i'm worried that the positive steps forward might be undone. not that the liberals were without issue but...

anyways, i'm bad at writing about politics. i go off on leftist idealist tangents and my true colours fly. i'm not in the mood for that this afternoon. i'm tired and still reeling from the apocalyptic feelings i was having this morning.

so read up on the results, the campaigns and when something happens (when harper does something) that you're unhappy with make an informed stand against him. don't let our rights to marriage, sex, our bodies, peace, etc...be smushed on. if i were a betting woman i'd say there will be an election within two years but don't count on that.

keep standing up! (i plan on standing up taller and speaking louder than i've done in the past when it behooves me to do so...)

xo michelle.

2006-01-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: NO BABY!!

babies on parade!

2006-01-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

so i'm not always the most...um...responsible gal when it comes to sex. it's my own fault, obviously.

the paranoia that results is baby fear...not std fear but BABY FEAR! think about it: i'm 24, i have ZERO financial stability, ZERO shit laid out for the future...i mean, i know what i want to do but it's not secure. it would be irresponsible of me to have a baby right now and it would be sad for that baby...there are enough poor single mothers out there and i don't need to add to that in any capacity...

so all that being said i'm worrying again. round #2 of pregnancy paranoia.

as a result my errands for the morning resulted in a trip to shoppers drug mart for that little $12 pee stick.

it sucks. SUCKS! there i am, exhausted, when the 15yr old supergoth cashier shows me a moment of solidarity. i can tell. she gets it. there's no judgement, pretense. she gets how much that purchase fucking sucks. how scary it is. how much i DON'T want a kid right now.

the last time this happened i left the drugstore crying. thank god that didn't happen again.

i'm off to pee on a stick. we'll see what happens.

xo m.

where the shadows make things ugly

2006-01-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

i always feel a little strange when i get home from hanging out with people who've known me since i was six. while i believe that parts of us stay the same over the course of our entire lives i really believe that we change more than we can measure.

i know this sounds simple but spending time with these girls wholly reinforces the profound affect our choices and environments have on us.

take kyla for example. she is my closest and oldest friend. she is the one i'd go to first with any sort of problem. we've known each other for almost 19 years. that's pretty amazing.

kyla works at a job that i don't understand and can't explain to you. she has a diploma in instrumentation (and another in design drafting) so it's something to do with that. she has a serious boyfriend and recently ended a five year relationship. she'll be 25 in march and is bothered by the fact that she isn't engaged or married. she was sure that by 25 she'd be married. she owns her car outright and is in the market for a condo.

michelle works at a job that is well below her education and skill level while she bides her time before grad school or until she can work in theatre full time. she has never had a serious relationship; just a few scattered loves and one-night stands. . michelle will be 25 in september and is convinced she's FAR too young to get married. she owns nothing but some gorgeous tattoos and a lot of cds and she can't ever see herself being in the market for a condo.

she and i couldn't be more unlike. but maybe that isn't true. we're both kind and compassionate people who love our families and friends and try to do what we can to make sure the people that we care about are cared for.

and while i'm sitting there listening to kyla (and these other two girls i've known for a while) talk about condos and engagement rings and boyfriends and the fact that they never go out drinking anymore i start to wonder what i'm doing there. why am i sitting in a movie theatre with these people. and the other two are who they are and i neither like nor dislike them, nor are we friends...but kyla.

i love kyla. and all our differences only make us better friends. we come together with no pretense and are wow'ed by how the other lives. me with my occasional one-night stands and her with her boyfriend and condo hunts.

i read once that douglas coupland called nostalgia a weapon and in a lot of ways i agree with him. when used improperly nostalgia can kill. when fueled by loneliness and alcohol there is nothing more dangerous. but in the right hands nostalgia reminds us of our pasts and keeps us intouch with the people that have shaped our present.

tonight i am happy.

xo michelle.

2006-01-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

so llewelyn's comment read something like this:

michelle, if you're talking about that shithead who's always mean to you until he wants to sleep with you? cuz if it is i say take your own advice and don't have anything to do with him. you're a princess and you should only be with people who treat you like a princess. and you're the co-founder of awesometown...treat yourself as such.

and if it's someone else than call.

it's the shithead. i'm a shithead because i want to spend my time with someone who's a shithead.

me: are you coming to my brunch?
him: nope. i have to work. (somewhere he uses a diminuitive like miss or doll)
me: oh
him: and besides, i'm not vegan. but mostly i have to work.
me: no, i said vegetarian. only one of my friends is vegan. i'm not so.
me: ...but if you have to work...
him: i could try and juggle but i haven't been so good at that lately.

and then some bullshit about balls dropping and me making a comment of how deliberately vague i felt he was being.

if you don't want to do something, say so. say "sorry michelle, i don't want to hang out with you." "thanks for the invite but i'm not interested". something like that. instead of talking about being straight up just be. straight up. with me.

i'm sick of this shit. this is the breaking point. vegans. work. work! ha! the kid can take time out his afternoon to fuck me when he likes but come over to spend some time with a supposed friend. ha!

i know. i know. you're thinking that i'm just one of those girls: "says she can fuck someone and not get attached. look, she's attached. told you so..." and i am attached. but not because of the sex. it was the moments in between. the moments when you think you're friends.

god, why am i even talking about this?
because i'm a shithead. and because of other things that i'm not ok with talking about on el blogo.

m.

2006-01-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

dallas green makes me feel slightly murderous.

seriously! he's terrible.

my sister is watching muchmusic and i want to PUKE! like seriously PUKE all over the tv.

(at least he's hot)

xo m.

to call or not to call

2006-01-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

the eternal question. i feel slightly like carrie bradshaw must have when she was 15. no, i'm not 15. far from it but sometimes, like now, i feel sort of 15.

on a sidenote i like the carrie bradshaw reference. both intertextual and a clever reference to pop culture as well as calling into the question of authorship. if michelle relates herself to a fictional character is she herself fictional or are all things written true? do characters exist outside of their creator once their names because as recognized as those who actually exist. shit, michelle exists and carrie bradshaw is a million times more famous than she'll ever be!

i've been watching sex and the city a lot lately. yep, it's pretty much crap but it's luscious crap wrapped in gorgeous shoes and women talking cock on television. more of that needs to happen. hopefully the next time it happens a woman will write it but y'know...yes, i know that candice whatsherface wrote the book but a dude writes the majority of the 'teleplay'. so what then? women were convinced that the way these four women talk is the way that women actually talk but these strong female voices are filtered through a man's voice...

ack! don't even get me started. 'the myth of contemporary feminism'. i could go on for ever on acceptable vs. unacceptable manifestations of equality but i won't right now. this isn't what i wanted to talk about.

it's embarassing because i just ranted a little bit and now i want to act like a 15 year old version of myself. shit, i'm almost 25! you'd think at some point i'd get used to the idea that boys do exist in my world and if i want to spend time with them i will have to talk to them.

i am one of those people in constant possession of in my comp lit class, that tattooed one i see sometimes*.

(*these are archetypes and represent NO ONE in particular so stop freaking out!)

amidst all these archetypal crushes there are usually one or two boys that i would actually like to spend some time with. currently there is one. the thing about this one is that we've slept together, gone on 'dates' (sort of) but he's never expressed any real interest in actually dating me. i'd like to go on more dates with him. are things complicated by the fact that we've already fucked? or was that an acceptable 'test drive'? i don't know what to do. at times we have a good thing going. sex, the occasional drink, etc. and then other times he completely ignores me.

and i know what you're all thinking. typical girl, gets attached to someone she's slept with. fuck you! this attachment is something recent and something that has little to do with sex. the truth is he's a nice guy...or he can be. the potential is definately there. i get moments of it. i know i know, 'she doth protest too much' but my christmas holidays can attest to the fact that i can fuck people and in no way become attached. so what? do i take the risk? or should i just get so stoned that i forget about everything and have a full night's sleep? not that i'd call right now but...

so that's that. i suck. what a day. i did nothing all day and i'm running out of weed! i should call him.

should i call him?

xo m.ll night's sleep? not that i'd call right now but...

so that's that. i suck. what a day. i did nothing all day and i'm running out of weed! i should call him.

should i call him?

xo m.

2006-01-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

i was at halo on friday night for all of about 5 min. or 10. i don't know. the jager was preventing me from being 100% aware of my surroundings. i know this: it was hot and i felt like the UN-coolest person there. now ok, this isn't intended to be me whining about how uncool or cool i am cuz i get that it's redundant. or irrelevent. or both. the point is that i was there for 1o minutes, i was drunk, it was hot and in the face of local hip hop icons and fashionistas i felt uncool. that's all. anyways, in those 10 minutes i ran into an old friend.

krystin.

i think of her from time to time. the last time i saw her was this past may. i was walking down whyte ave with aaron and she was in starbucks. we blocked the doorway catching up for a brief moment. we talked about nipple piercings. mine were only a day old and it hurt to hug her. and then i saw her on friday. we talked about getting together, as you always do when you run into people...

seeing her made me start thinking about those couple of years. being 22. huh. i don't know where this is going...

it seems like life has been throwing curveballs lately. i've been handling them well but i guess there's something to be said for being completely 22, which i'm not anymore. who knows.

i sure don't.

either way, it was good to see krys and i think that i am not going to do that thing where you say you'll email someone and you never do. i'm gonna email her. and maybe some other people i miss.

2006-01-14T01:48:00.000-07:00

it's amazing what can happen.

maybe it's the 5 or 6 jager and cranberry's. maybe it's the crappy skatepunk. maybe nostalgia is a weapon. maybe it's the heat. maybe it's an old friend. maybe it's fucking celebrity. maybe it's a sense that something isn't what it should be. maybe it's the knowledge that i am just not enough of whateverthefuck i need to be to be there.

it's amazing what can happen.
and how much of a fucking bitch i can be when no one is listening.