yeah, i'm a liar...

6:43am: back to sleep.
8:55am: wake up.
9:02am: leave for work.

and i lied because i am totally hungover and totally tired.
ah well, i had fun last night and i'm a cheap ass drunk so the hangover comes without surprise.

i was hoping a soy latte and a muffin would help but it didn't. c'est la vie.

god it's freezing...

it isn't actually.

the temperature is fine.

that being said it's 6:42am. i've been awake since 5:03am.

on the plus side i'm not really hungover at all.

there really is NO exit!

a trip to the suburbs to play scrabble leads invariably to the following...
1) i am called a whore.
2) i am made to feel like a freak.

let me explain:
1) i am NOT a whore. i haven't been with a lot of people. but the fact that there are a couple people i'd love to sleep with but have little desire to date makes me a whore. apparently anyone who is older than 22 who has little desire to be in a RELATIONSHIP but still would like sex is a whore. if to these girls relationships are defined as potential husbands then...FUCK THAT! seriously... the thing is is that i don't feel the 'fuck, i'm almost 25 and should be on my way to having a complete life'...if a complete life is living in a crescent in the suburbs, needing a babysitter for my dog, never going out, worrying about my car payments and making sure i have money in my rrsps then fuck complete living...i'll stick with being a whore! i like my life. i like my friends, i like what i do, i like going out and i like having sex with people for no other reason than the fact that i am attracted to them.

and in the end if there were actually people who wanted to have sex with me they might have a case for me being a whore but no one wants to fuck me anyways...

2) yes, i have tattoos. yes, i am getting a sleeve. yes, i am serious. no, i'm not going to change my mind. yes, it's expensive...but cheaper than a car. i want to get up on a table and shout:

"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU BITCHES THINK YOU ARE?! IF I WANT TO BE A FREAK I'LL BE A FUCKING FREAK! WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR YEARS. CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT ME ALREADY!?"

whatever...history keeps us together and at least i can wipe the floor with their settled-in-seemingly-adult-relationship' asses at scrabble!

the tattoo saga pt. 9

yep.
we're up to part 9 already. god...

anyways, just an hour ago i was at urge. johnny had artwork for me to see and HOTFUCK! it's amazing...totally fucking amazing. i almost wept.

october 20, 2005: commence outlining.

why lord...why is october 20 so far away?

le sigh.

but...le jubilant happy i'm getting fucking tattooed dance as well!

xxx.

after i pulled the chicken out, lunch was GREAT!

so, it's monday and i am getting the flu/cold to end all flu/colds. i can feel it building behind my eyes. i'm coughing more and more and my nose is snuffly. but mostly my eyes are suffering...they're dry and i look like crap...tired crap!

i am on this new vanity kick. or not vanity so much as just taking care of myself. i went for a run last night, had a long shower, used tweezers and a face mask. i'd like to someday be attractive. or no...i meant, i'd like to someday feel attractive more than once every couple of months or when someone's coming all over my face...;) so, yeah. i am on a new 'taking care of myself better' kick which makes me feel shallow and wonderful at the same time. cool eh?

so, as i mentioned i went for a run last night and it went well. i mean i DIED but it was still good. good to get the excercise and my ankle held up so i'm on the path. i get home, crampy but feeling proud of myself when suddenly i decide to throw out all the dead flowers in my house. i chuck them into the garbage and the garbage is full so i decide to take the garbage out. i slip on my shoes and head out back...

two steps later i trip, roll my ankle, fall and skin the shit out of my left knee.
the knees of a 7yr. old aren't sexy. they just aren't. and now both news are scared up and i look dumb.

maybe i can dress differently and play up the sexy innocent skinned knees for a little while. too bad my hair is too short for pigtails.

tee hee hee.

xo michelle.

p.s. listen to 'I WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK' by death cab for cutie i'm obsessed with it right now.

dear john reprise #2 in the key of...i'm a loser

ok.
so it was just good to see an old friend.
i got a good kick in the ass, realised i was acting like a 17yr. old and headed out to see christian and some clowns.
it wasn't all sunshine and fairies but it was fun.
maybe we'll stay in touch this time around...who knows.
childish weekend-OVER!

m.

dear john reprise in the key of...f#

first go read this emo bullshit old post.

good, did you read it? did it make you cry?

anyhow, that isn't the point. the point is john is back in town and in 2.75 hours or so i will have to see him.

john (christian)'s girlfriend is performing this afternoon and he's flown all the way in from vancouver to support her...isn't that lovely?

god, if i wasn't sick before...

ANYWAYS, i don't know how i feel about seeing him. he was like, THE ONE, for a little while. and that's sort of scary. i haven't seen the boy since september of 2004 and have been completely incommunicado since january.

what's gonna happen at 4pm? are we going to fall back into our old pattern and catch up and chat the night away or is it going to be awkward as fuck.

i picture this:

enter michelle dressed in blue jeans, a grey hoodie, a green blazer and pink shoes.
christian sits on the couch strumming his guitar and humming a new song about bleeding stars.
their eyes meet.

michelle: christian, hey.
christian: michelle, hey. long time?
michelle: no shit.

the end.

and then what. we go watch his girlfriend perform like a trained monkey and part ways as if we were never retardedly close friends? maybe we do.

i don't have a fucking clue and i don't like it.

i feel like puking.

seriously, i feel like shit today.

i am tired but that's normal. i keep having these little passes of dizziness and naseaua and then i'll feel ok for 10min. and it'll happen again. i am hungry but want to vomit at the same time.

here's the thing of it though, i HATE throwing up. there are few things i hate more. and it's totally irrational. if i get sick i won't eat for a few days afterwards just to prevent it from happening again...which isn't a good plan because being really hungry makes me feel sick too. all in all it's not good...

so now i am worrying about being sick. i have escape plans for all the things i have to do today.
it's totally irrational.

i remember last saturday night i had been out watching a friend play some music (wow, that was vague) and got SMASHED...by the time i went to bed my tummy was about to exact it's revenge. i lay in bed talking myself out of throwing up for about 2 excrutiating hours. the next morning wasn't fun...but i didn't puke!

i hate fridays when i don't feel well. fridays should be a good day full of happiness for the upcoming weekend.

someone hug me and make me feel better.
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese.

just saying no.

last week i got a new job. a THIRD job.

am i insane?

yes.

right now i work for my dad doing office admin. stuff. it's fairly mindless but i get to do some design work which is awesome and i get to use my down time to work on my other job...
my theatre company! that's a LOT of work that i do not get paid for. but i love it so it's worth it.

so this third job. the artistic director of theatre prospero emailed me last week and asked to help organize their current tour. theatre prospero is a tya (theatre for young audience) company who does touring productions of shakespeare that includes the students in their productions. I AM ALL FOR THIS! i think that arts education is an essential part of schooling. shit, i am an artist and i would have liked more...
so, my job would have been to call teachers at certain hours of the day and inquire as to their interest level in booking a spot on the tour. i agreed, without much thought, to do this. it seemed easy enough and i could do it in the slower times at work.

so, i thought about all weekend and i woke up this morning having made a decision...i can't do it. i can't add a third thing to my life. i don't need the money that badly. i'm broke but i'm surviving and i need to get more sleep.

so i quit this morning. the morning that i was suppose to start, i quit. this makes me sound like a shitty person. i'm aware of that. but i am not a shitty person. first of all, i didn't apply for this job. mark just emailed me out of the blue and asked me if i could help. second, and more importantly, to assume that i am a shitty uncommitted person is to know NOTHING about me. i give 125% to everything i do. to my friends, my family, theatre...jesus! all of it. anyone who knows me knows this. and that i why i couldn't do the job. i can't give 110% to anything more than i already do. i need to step back and be selfish for a second. if i'm not i will go crazy! it's almost guarenteed.

this situation would be different if i had been offered a creative position. if mark had asked me to direct a show or something. those are the kinds of things i want to get into. i have an admin. job right now and unless i am going to go into theatre admin full time and leave this job (which isn't likely right now...) then i don't want to do it.

and it got me to thinking about why i felt so compelled to take something else on. i look at me and all of my friends. the majority of work shitty jobs we hate that make us sick and tired but we do it to support our artistic habits. which is fine, at the point most of us are at it's a necessary evil. but then we let all this shit that we hate stress us out and we're all basketcases...and then we take on something else that we don't really like on top of it all.

i did a sort of impromptu survey of my friends. or, not a survey so much as my observations. most of my friends fall between the ages of 22-26. (i'm 24) and i'd say a full 2/3 of us suffer from stomach troubles and/or insomnia and self-medicate with some combination of drugs/alcohol/caffiene/risky-sex/etc...i know i've used all of the above to deal with my stress. i am 24 years old. i love what i do but no one pays me for it and as a result of the stress this causes i have acid reflux, i rarely sleep more than 4 hours a night and if i want to sleep well i have to get stoned in order to do so.

i am NOT complaining by any means. i am generally thrilled with life. i have friends i love. i do what i love. i get along with my family. i am independent...i have no real complaints about my life. but i'd like to keep it that way so i opted not to take another job.

i think we just need to be careful and remember what matt reminded me of this afternoon: 'work to live not live to work' and keep our passions because in the end i guess i couldn't imagine my life any other way. well...hopefully within 5 years this whole notion of the necessity of a day job won't exist but i'm not worried about that. it's a given that i'm on course to nixing the day job and working full time in theatre (and actually getting paid for it!!)

and then we had a play

so we've been working on this thing for forever. well, since february and february feels like forever ago...

...so finally last friday we opened to a good sized crowd and had a HUGE hunk of fun!

i get there, put on some makeup, and set up the FOH table and the booze. i am wearing a new sexy green velvet blazer and a lavender skirt and i am feeling good. i was hoping to wear some sexy heels but i had some nasty as hxc blisters so i was rockin' the flip flops! s-e-x-y.

jeff (leaving juneau) came in around 6 for a soundcheck and not surprisingly he was a whiney primadonna making outrageous demands. he and his fucking entourage roll in with a rider chalk full of bitches and coke and bitch about the sound quality. just kidding...jeff was rad. it took a long time and the sound quality was pretty shit but it all worked out in the end and he rolled out with time (i hope) to spare before his ruckus closing show (p.s. this is a sad thing...).

soon after matt (westfalia) and rory (pants and tie) rolled in with a scant amount of equipment and then went and got us coffee and juice. i like juice. :)

people start arriving, the show goes well. people hang out after and the boys play. after the playing i drank my face off...here are some choice pics:


matt (westfalia) in the backgroud and rory (pants and tie) in the foreground.


the cast: (l-r) adam, chelsea, and nathasha (with matt)






sexy boys: jeff really above, matt immediately above...


aren't jeff and i hot?

so, after the music wrapped we drank our faces off and jeff and i argued over what we should listen to as we drank our faces off...usually i won because my taste is WAY awesomer than jeff's!

we slept at that theatre that night. jeff was a big fat jerk and took the long couch, chelsea took the sleeping bag and i took the blanketless little couch. :( i slept badly and had nightmares about aidscat (a very decrepit looking cat). in the morning i woke up still drunk and we cleaned and then rocked cafe mosaics for breakies. danny michel was at the table beside us...he's cute. i spent the rest of the day in bed. it was sooooooooooo fun!

xo michelle.

p.s. matt made that hotsex poster!

to all the girls i've loved before...

...where the title for this post comes from we'll never know but i think lounge music is severly underrated.

i saw this little survey on fred and wilma's site and i thought: 'what the fuck, might at well do it.'

so here it is:

7 things to do before I die:
1. go to grad school
2. have my own theatre space
3. full right arm and left leg tattood
4. write a book
5. finish a full length play
6. step on every continent
7. spend a week not worrying about money

7 things I can do:
1. speak german
2. put my fist in my mouth
3. get up on stage without being scared
4. play piano
5. waste time efficiently
6. make friends
7. read dense theory (and LOVE it)

7 things I can't do:
1. deal with liars
2. be nice to you just because i am suppose to
3. be financially secure
4. (like wilma) sleep well.
5. digest dairy products
6. (also like wilma) help out as much as i should...
7. have a drama free relationship with a nice cute boy

7 things that attract me to a man:
1. intellegence
2. softness (physical and emotional)
3. tattoos/piercings
4. good taste in music
5. sense of humour
6. kind eyes
7. good conversation.

7 things I say most often:
1. fuck
2. shit
3. like...
4. i love (insert randomness here...)
5. yo!
6. how goes?
7. what's new pussycat?

7 celebrity crushes:
1. beth ditto (from the gossip...is she a celebrity)
2. conor oberst
3. isaac brock
4. jude law
5. courtney love
6. tim kasher
7. sleater-kinney

you should do this too...it was fun!

xo.

baby lawyers and power chords.

ok, i am not going to talk about power chords right now. i have to upload some photos from opening before i can do that; but good times will follow.

today i will instead, as the title suggests, talk about baby lawyers.

today was the second time i had helped out with the interview portion of the law certification (or whatever...) exams and it's always so fun.

first of all, i got $175 for five hours of work as well as breakfast, lunch and free parking. this was an acting gig and the deal is that you whip out your business casual clothes and memorize all this character information and head down to hotel and interview 8 or 9 baby attorneys. your job is to make them ask you questions about your case so that they can give you legal advice and then you get to decide if you'd like to 'retain their services'.

last year i was getting divorced and all i wanted was my boat; i'd put the bastard through school after all! this year my 85 yr. old friend howard had died and his bastard son had cut me out of his will when he'd promised me his 1958 chevy impala.

last year i chose to focus on how important it was that i get what i am financially entitled to, but that's because my character was rich. this year i focused on making them feel bad for how expensive they were. afterall, all i did was work in a bookstore...i don't have $300/hr.

it's such a fun day and i get to schmooze and hang out with all these people that i never get to see. plus it's $175 i didn't have before that can go straight onto my visa so i can get this bright eyes hoodie that i want...

i like watching their hands as they write about my dire circumstances. their hands move so quickly but they're also incredibly nervous...i know how that feels. it's like an audition for your whole life. also, they always have nice clothes. my hems are falling down and i wore vans.

what a day!
m.

birthday remix!

it was a good day. i still felt sort of maudlin and inappropriate all day but the weed and the wine took the edge off...to a certain extent.

i guess i felt like i put such a good year behind that the future looms forboding ahead...or something.

his feeling comes not only with the advent of a birthday but the knowledge that something you've put a lot of time and effort into is about to draw to a close and there is of course something else you want. there's always something else to want: a person, a project, a plan. shit, i want all of these things right now...it's the end of an era...a year is an era these days.

everything changes so quickly!

i suppose i should blame it on intoxicants: a tightly packed bowl and a couple glasses of delicious wine bring out the magical and maudlin in me.

thank god for birthday hugs and calls from halifax!
xo michelle.

am i hungry?

i've talked about this a million times...

welcome to a million and one.

nostalgia's a bitch and i am not sure how to deal with her and she creeps up in the weirdest places

this morning i was lying in bed, my head pounding, and along she comes across the airwaves and through my radio.

it's not surprising that she's resurfacing right now; the proximity of a birthday might have something to do with it.

so i am laying there thinking about the show and what i am going to wear at opening and about how bad my head hurts when suddenly CRASH...there she was! sitting on my fucking chest.
i wasn't mad at her, it wasn't that kind of thing, i was just jarred by her presence in my room on a random thursday morning.

so, here we are. no conclusions have been made about she and i and where we stand but goddamn if i don't miss that confusing little bitch when she isn't around.

three sleeps til i'm 24!

abba+michael bolton+broken social scene=true love!

i needed a day off really badly.

stressed as fuck doesn't even begin to describe.

today i took the whole day off, save for the 3 minutes i talked to rob and the 5 i spent editing the program, and just chilled the fuck out.

11am: wake up.
11:30am: meet louise for brekkies. mosaics was PACKED so we went to highlevel...hashbrowns aren't as good but it was still fan-tas-tic!
12:45pm: went to my place.
1:15pm: carolyn from vue called. ok, it was an interview for the show but talking about myself hardly qualifies as work. shit, being interviewed is just pure fucking fun.
1:45pm: louise and i smoke a bowl. we get stoned and dance around listening to every single different kind of music. mostly we rock out to fiest and abba. a little bss and michael bolton thrown in for love never hurt anyone...well, michael bolton hurts a lot of people actually...
3:30pm: louise leaves. i sleep a little and my mom comes to pick me up for dinner.
dinner at my mom's means yummy food, leftovers and getting my laundry done. when i go there i always mean to do it myself but she just does it for me.
10pm: come home and relax. maybe smoke a little bowl and then pass the fuck out...

the big shit comes this week.

i hate lol!

dude,
seriously, you can't really be laughing out loud every time i say something!

FUCK!