there exists something more than just heartbreak or love, anger or the absence of. all those or's are a scary thing.
i felt awkward so i left. that's what happens. i go back to a space, a place, an event i've left behind and it makes me awkward. i stick my foot in my mouth, forget my manners, and say things i might regret 21 seconds later. i tell people things they do not want to hear.
i could have gone to the blackdog. bumped into people, saw some friends but i decide against it. it's cold so i decide, instead, to take the bus home. we're all in the same boat on the bus; it's dark, it's cold amd we've got a bus pass or $2.25 ($2.25?!)
whenever i walk home down that street (my street) i always wonder: is tonight going to be the night i run into that person i'd rather not see? tonight i see him. only in passing (thank god)-i look down the alley and i realise how thankful i am to the bus driver who sat for two extra minutes with his feet on the steering wheel. seeing him tonight would only have reminded me that instincts often lead us down dangerous paths and suddenly a hug is a blow job and a quick fuck in a back alley or a longing for something i know i should never want. we all know there are times we want something we should never ever want. we made eye contact in the dark and i knew he knew it was me. he looked back as i did and i know he recognized my green shoes and awkward proportions.
in that skirt my legs look the same as they did wrapped around his torso.
getting called fat out of a car window and a fight when i walk in the door are really the perfect ends to such whole evening.
the schmooze 1, michelle 0.
xo
Friday, March 31, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
four poster bed
i've had a lot to say these past couple of days but i've been editing and steamlining a little so i justed poster four new blog entries but for ease of reading i'll do up a little link thing here:
one:comparison shopping
two:random love-in
three:THE RULES (wherein michelle talks no-strings sex)
four: a rant (motherfucking assholes)
please feel free to comment frequently and wherever you like.
xo michelle.
one:comparison shopping
two:random love-in
three:THE RULES (wherein michelle talks no-strings sex)
four: a rant (motherfucking assholes)
please feel free to comment frequently and wherever you like.
xo michelle.
one: comparison shopping
recent discussions of feminist critical theory have got me thinking about what it means to be a woman in 2006. sometimes i think that we're all pretty much equal and that sex, gender, race, class, sexual orientation, etc are dwarfed by the fact that in the end we're all human...then i remember that that's MY belief and the belief of most of my close friends but not the belief of the rest of the world...the world is still pretty much fucked with the rich white heterosexual men leading us straight to hell on a road paved with gold and 'terrorist' threats.
so what is it like to be a woman in 2006 and i think it's tied closely to our place as consumers. essentially we are comparison shoppers. we're a product and we're always looking for something better to replace ourselves with.
"i want her tits!"
"no, i want her teeth!"
her eyes. her hair. her abs. her heart. her lungs. her ribs. thighs. calves.
i want to BE her instead of me. we can BE whoever we want to be because we can BUY whatever we want. we then get all freaked out because we can't afford to be who we feel we're suppose to be. who we're told we should want to be.
but i think in all this comparison shopping and looking for a better deal or a better future or a better boyfriend or a better whatever we forget that there are probably other women looking at us and comparing their own teeth, hair, jeans, spleen, etc to our own.
i think we've all been so convinced that we simply aren't good enough for whatever we need to be good enough for. and i'm equally guilty of this, we all are. i spend large parts of my days wishing i looked, acted, spoke, thought differently then i do. but i don't. and at some point i have to accept that. i'm not at that point yet.
so who's to blame for comparison shopping? i don't want to come right out and say MEN are to blame! or THE MEDIA is to blame! we're ALL to blame. you can't change anyone but yourself right? right. i think. i don't know. i just know that i don't want to want to be anyone else, even for just a day. i don't want to want what someone else has. i just want to be content.
perhaps discontent is the post-modern condition. i don't know. all this feminist theory has just got me thinking about how i define my own feminity and i realise that a lot of women (myself included) define themselves based on other women and idealized views of women presented by men (oftentimes). perhaps harold bloom's* theory of the 'anxiety of influence' stems beyond artistic creation and into our everydays lives. perhaps we worry because we feel that we cannot begin to compete with the cannonical women set up by men, by the media, by who we're conditioned to believe that we should be. we're undoubtedly influenced by all those things and HOW can we realistically be expected to compete.
but why compete? why not sit down and recognize that we are ALL awesome in our own ways. that every single person is totally rad for all their own individual tastes. i look at my friends and they are amazing actors, writers, musicians, dancers, huggers, geniuses, teachers, and friends and yet so many of them long to be someone else. someone more 'attractive' or more interesting or just MORE. gosh friends, realise how amazing you are. you're AMAZING friends! you put up with me! that's fucking something right there...
i'm getting off topic and i don't know what the point it. i just know it's too hard and takes too much energy to spend time wishing you were someone else with better abs.
somehow i always manage to get waaay off the the point i was on when i started but there it is.
xo michelle.
*yeah, i know harold bloom is a misogynistic psychoanaylitic critic but i am re-appropriating his theory so there!
so what is it like to be a woman in 2006 and i think it's tied closely to our place as consumers. essentially we are comparison shoppers. we're a product and we're always looking for something better to replace ourselves with.
"i want her tits!"
"no, i want her teeth!"
her eyes. her hair. her abs. her heart. her lungs. her ribs. thighs. calves.
i want to BE her instead of me. we can BE whoever we want to be because we can BUY whatever we want. we then get all freaked out because we can't afford to be who we feel we're suppose to be. who we're told we should want to be.
but i think in all this comparison shopping and looking for a better deal or a better future or a better boyfriend or a better whatever we forget that there are probably other women looking at us and comparing their own teeth, hair, jeans, spleen, etc to our own.
i think we've all been so convinced that we simply aren't good enough for whatever we need to be good enough for. and i'm equally guilty of this, we all are. i spend large parts of my days wishing i looked, acted, spoke, thought differently then i do. but i don't. and at some point i have to accept that. i'm not at that point yet.
so who's to blame for comparison shopping? i don't want to come right out and say MEN are to blame! or THE MEDIA is to blame! we're ALL to blame. you can't change anyone but yourself right? right. i think. i don't know. i just know that i don't want to want to be anyone else, even for just a day. i don't want to want what someone else has. i just want to be content.
perhaps discontent is the post-modern condition. i don't know. all this feminist theory has just got me thinking about how i define my own feminity and i realise that a lot of women (myself included) define themselves based on other women and idealized views of women presented by men (oftentimes). perhaps harold bloom's* theory of the 'anxiety of influence' stems beyond artistic creation and into our everydays lives. perhaps we worry because we feel that we cannot begin to compete with the cannonical women set up by men, by the media, by who we're conditioned to believe that we should be. we're undoubtedly influenced by all those things and HOW can we realistically be expected to compete.
but why compete? why not sit down and recognize that we are ALL awesome in our own ways. that every single person is totally rad for all their own individual tastes. i look at my friends and they are amazing actors, writers, musicians, dancers, huggers, geniuses, teachers, and friends and yet so many of them long to be someone else. someone more 'attractive' or more interesting or just MORE. gosh friends, realise how amazing you are. you're AMAZING friends! you put up with me! that's fucking something right there...
i'm getting off topic and i don't know what the point it. i just know it's too hard and takes too much energy to spend time wishing you were someone else with better abs.
somehow i always manage to get waaay off the the point i was on when i started but there it is.
xo michelle.
*yeah, i know harold bloom is a misogynistic psychoanaylitic critic but i am re-appropriating his theory so there!
two: random love in...
* a vacancy sign with a no vacancy sign underneath
*looking into people's lit up apartments as i walk by in the dark (crrreeeepy!)
*neurotic eating habits and the pile of crumbs that results from the complete annhilation of a cookie!
*JILL BARBER coming to town and i didn't know until just now!
*neko case makes my heart a little bit happy.
*my cell phone
*walking home at 1am when it's cold and the tips of my fingers kind of hurt in that way that reminds you why you love living in the prairies
*being tired without the tiredness being overwhelming
*the excitement of new friendships.
*V FOR VENDETTA! go see this fucking movie! it's amazing. i can't yet articulate what it did for me but go see it! i'm hoping i can write something coherant about it soon...
...
xo michelle.
*looking into people's lit up apartments as i walk by in the dark (crrreeeepy!)
*neurotic eating habits and the pile of crumbs that results from the complete annhilation of a cookie!
*JILL BARBER coming to town and i didn't know until just now!
*neko case makes my heart a little bit happy.
*my cell phone
*walking home at 1am when it's cold and the tips of my fingers kind of hurt in that way that reminds you why you love living in the prairies
*being tired without the tiredness being overwhelming
*the excitement of new friendships.
*V FOR VENDETTA! go see this fucking movie! it's amazing. i can't yet articulate what it did for me but go see it! i'm hoping i can write something coherant about it soon...
...
xo michelle.
three: THE RULES (wherein michelle talks no-strings sex)
here's the thing. i was never lonely before i let someone spend the night. once you know the feeling of having someone so close to you all night. the feeling of waking up wrapped up so tight in someone's arms. the feeling of knowing that when you get out of the shower they'll still be there waiting to wrap you up again and kiss you. but now i know how that feels and i can't shake wanting that. i was ok until i felt that safe. that close. and now that seems to far off and all it makes me want to do is cry.
this is a lonliness i have never felt. it's terrifying and overwhelming and completely all-consuming. i can actually feel it. pin point it. and it makes me sadder than i have ever been.
truthfully, no one had ever spent the night. we'd have fun and he'd leave and i was good with that. when they stay and hold onto you all night long you start to realise what you've been missing. i'd blocked so much of the past and that first love out of my head that i'd forgotten what that feels like. and that's the part that sucks.
girls can, just as easily as guys, have 'fuck buddies' but i'm willing to wager that there are rules. or, at least there are for me.
(why am i blogging about this?)
so here are the rules:
1. fuck friendship. we are not 'friends with benefits' we're people who know each other and are attracted to each other and have sex but do not date. if i wanted to hang out with you and fuck you i'd probably just try to date you. (now obviously this is different from when you get wasted and have sex with a good friend...)
2. don't get jealous, possesive or tell me about the other girls you're fucking.
3. call me when you want sex and i'll do the same. it works.
4. there will be no sleepovers unless one (or both) of us is too drunk to move. if that happens there is NO snuggling. snuggling results in attachment.
5. the dirtier the sex the better. please do not try to 'make love' to me. we're fuck buddies and therefore we fuck!
6. should we happen to bump into each other in public and decide to meet up later we will NOT leave together but a quickie in the bathroom is always an option.
7. be well kept. i'm not your girlfriend and i still care what you look, smell, and taste like. love hasn't made that shit obsolete for us.
8. there is no us.
9. don't call me if it's not strictly for sex.
10. getting me stoned will always work in your favour.
11. according to maxim 'the more piercings a girl has the more places she'll let you stick it'...i have nine. assume nothing because you read maxim.
and last but not least...
12. you must NOT have a tiny penis and you MUST give amazing head. bad head will get you kicked out! (and vice versa i assume, yeah?)
i guess i just felt that in light of recent events i needed to get some of this off my chest and yes, this is a bit tounge-n-cheek or whatever but there's so much floating around in my head right now that i just wanted to write about sex.
ha ha.
and this was restrained. i didn't want to alienate some of my readers by casting light on too many aspects of my life...the rest of you already know all there is no know anyways. maybe one day i'll start an erotica blog or something. first, i probably need to have more sex. shit...
michelle.
this is a lonliness i have never felt. it's terrifying and overwhelming and completely all-consuming. i can actually feel it. pin point it. and it makes me sadder than i have ever been.
truthfully, no one had ever spent the night. we'd have fun and he'd leave and i was good with that. when they stay and hold onto you all night long you start to realise what you've been missing. i'd blocked so much of the past and that first love out of my head that i'd forgotten what that feels like. and that's the part that sucks.
girls can, just as easily as guys, have 'fuck buddies' but i'm willing to wager that there are rules. or, at least there are for me.
(why am i blogging about this?)
so here are the rules:
1. fuck friendship. we are not 'friends with benefits' we're people who know each other and are attracted to each other and have sex but do not date. if i wanted to hang out with you and fuck you i'd probably just try to date you. (now obviously this is different from when you get wasted and have sex with a good friend...)
2. don't get jealous, possesive or tell me about the other girls you're fucking.
3. call me when you want sex and i'll do the same. it works.
4. there will be no sleepovers unless one (or both) of us is too drunk to move. if that happens there is NO snuggling. snuggling results in attachment.
5. the dirtier the sex the better. please do not try to 'make love' to me. we're fuck buddies and therefore we fuck!
6. should we happen to bump into each other in public and decide to meet up later we will NOT leave together but a quickie in the bathroom is always an option.
7. be well kept. i'm not your girlfriend and i still care what you look, smell, and taste like. love hasn't made that shit obsolete for us.
8. there is no us.
9. don't call me if it's not strictly for sex.
10. getting me stoned will always work in your favour.
11. according to maxim 'the more piercings a girl has the more places she'll let you stick it'...i have nine. assume nothing because you read maxim.
and last but not least...
12. you must NOT have a tiny penis and you MUST give amazing head. bad head will get you kicked out! (and vice versa i assume, yeah?)
i guess i just felt that in light of recent events i needed to get some of this off my chest and yes, this is a bit tounge-n-cheek or whatever but there's so much floating around in my head right now that i just wanted to write about sex.
ha ha.
and this was restrained. i didn't want to alienate some of my readers by casting light on too many aspects of my life...the rest of you already know all there is no know anyways. maybe one day i'll start an erotica blog or something. first, i probably need to have more sex. shit...
michelle.
four: a rant (motherfucking assholes)
last thursday i was casually browsing around (read: wasting time) on indecline when i came across a little concert annoucemnt for wintersleep, contrived and jill barber and HOLY FUCK do i ever LOVE jill barber. so miss mary louise and i decide to head to head down to the ol' victory lounge to check it out. we get there at 9:15ish doors were at 8 and then we wait. we waited for a long-ass time. and while we wait we are surrounded by drunk asshole screaming at the tv. (the hockey game)
so jill barber starts her set and it's quiet and melodic and pretty and deserves the attention of the audience. but does she get it? no. instead midway through gorgeous little ditties about broken hearts on the prairie she is interrupted by loud cheers from those idiots watching the hockey game. first of all, why was the television left on during her set? and second of all...have some fucking respect for the artist up on stage.
she made some joke about hockey and the tv was (finally) turned off but that didn't help the atmosphere. i want to tell all of you something: in a place like victory lounge the person on stage can hear you talking over her singing. it's rude and she's there to entertain you. let her do her fucking job and you might actually enjoy yourself. if you don't want to watch jill barber, or whoever else, play then leave and come back afterwards or have a little fucking respect for the people who do want to stay and LISTEN. now, i'm not saying that you can't talk, i talk. i'm just saying that there is NO reason to have a LOUD conversation about something entirely unrelated to what's going on onstage to the detriment of those trying to listen to the music or to the performer.
and it was evident that she noticed too. her set was short and awkward and you could tell she was glad to get off that stage.
jerks! i hope that everyone in that crowd was an indie folk musician so i can go to all their shows and talk (at the top of my lungs) about stds and yeast infections or something.
have a little fucking respect for the fact that an artist has taken her time to do a show for you. i know you'd expect the same.
oh AND AND AND to add insult to the weird vibe of the night the kokanee girls were at the show last night dressed in silver cat suits and furry boots whoring themselves and shitty beer all around the room. what's happened to that place? to this city? i'm truly at a loss as to what's going on...
michelle.
so jill barber starts her set and it's quiet and melodic and pretty and deserves the attention of the audience. but does she get it? no. instead midway through gorgeous little ditties about broken hearts on the prairie she is interrupted by loud cheers from those idiots watching the hockey game. first of all, why was the television left on during her set? and second of all...have some fucking respect for the artist up on stage.
she made some joke about hockey and the tv was (finally) turned off but that didn't help the atmosphere. i want to tell all of you something: in a place like victory lounge the person on stage can hear you talking over her singing. it's rude and she's there to entertain you. let her do her fucking job and you might actually enjoy yourself. if you don't want to watch jill barber, or whoever else, play then leave and come back afterwards or have a little fucking respect for the people who do want to stay and LISTEN. now, i'm not saying that you can't talk, i talk. i'm just saying that there is NO reason to have a LOUD conversation about something entirely unrelated to what's going on onstage to the detriment of those trying to listen to the music or to the performer.
and it was evident that she noticed too. her set was short and awkward and you could tell she was glad to get off that stage.
jerks! i hope that everyone in that crowd was an indie folk musician so i can go to all their shows and talk (at the top of my lungs) about stds and yeast infections or something.
have a little fucking respect for the fact that an artist has taken her time to do a show for you. i know you'd expect the same.
oh AND AND AND to add insult to the weird vibe of the night the kokanee girls were at the show last night dressed in silver cat suits and furry boots whoring themselves and shitty beer all around the room. what's happened to that place? to this city? i'm truly at a loss as to what's going on...
michelle.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
the velvet undergroud doesn't look very velvety
"it's one of those days where you wanna try heroin, drunk driving or some form of soft suicide"
-the weakerthans
fuck me i love the weakerthans.
anyways, 7 drinks in i do sort of want to brush the 2ft of snow from my car and drive around town. obviously i'm not going to and no, i don't have some sort of emo death wish; i was just hoping for something a little more this evening. something exciting. something that ended in puking outside starlite while someone held my drink...or something...something other than text messaging an old old friend from the lrt at just after midnight.
if i were a cheerleader my cheer would be 'GO EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM!'
night night.
m.
-the weakerthans
fuck me i love the weakerthans.
anyways, 7 drinks in i do sort of want to brush the 2ft of snow from my car and drive around town. obviously i'm not going to and no, i don't have some sort of emo death wish; i was just hoping for something a little more this evening. something exciting. something that ended in puking outside starlite while someone held my drink...or something...something other than text messaging an old old friend from the lrt at just after midnight.
if i were a cheerleader my cheer would be 'GO EMOTIONAL MASOCHISM!'
night night.
m.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
fucking douchebags
as i was getting lunch this afternoon i saw this douchebag with a HUGE sticker on the back window of his truck that said the following:
"the right way: straight pride" and had a picture of a man and a woman holding hands
that shit makes me want to puke and key his fucking car. when are people going to realise that who someone has sex with has absolutely no bearing on who they are as a person. homosexuals can no more choose their sexual orientation then heterosexuals can. and jesus christ, sexuality is so fluid these days and definitions become harder and harder all the time...
i should get a big sticker made that says:
"intolerance kills kittens and hope"
or
"keep driving that truck, asshole, i didn't want to have kids anyways"
or
"fuck you, douchebag"
and yes, i understand that people have the right to their opinions but people also have the right to feel safe and protected when they're getting a sandwich or walking down the street or wherever...your personal rights and freedoms cannot infringe upon the personal rights and freedoms of others. keep your hateful shit at home and i'll try not to key your car or make out with your girlfriend when i see you the next time...
sigh...
michelle.
"the right way: straight pride" and had a picture of a man and a woman holding hands
that shit makes me want to puke and key his fucking car. when are people going to realise that who someone has sex with has absolutely no bearing on who they are as a person. homosexuals can no more choose their sexual orientation then heterosexuals can. and jesus christ, sexuality is so fluid these days and definitions become harder and harder all the time...
i should get a big sticker made that says:
"intolerance kills kittens and hope"
or
"keep driving that truck, asshole, i didn't want to have kids anyways"
or
"fuck you, douchebag"
and yes, i understand that people have the right to their opinions but people also have the right to feel safe and protected when they're getting a sandwich or walking down the street or wherever...your personal rights and freedoms cannot infringe upon the personal rights and freedoms of others. keep your hateful shit at home and i'll try not to key your car or make out with your girlfriend when i see you the next time...
sigh...
michelle.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
...
i'm in a bad mood today.
i don't really know why. i'm still thinking a lot about a weird little situation that happened a month or so ago...
i'm wondering if i handled it the way i should have. or if i AM handling it the way i should be...
i'm just sad and mad and i am not sure why and what i should do about it. crawling under my desk seems like a good idea. so does getting really fucking stoned and going to sleep.
i don't know kids, i just don't know.
and i'm worrying...a lot. about a lot of stuff.
christ shit fuck damn.
i dunno, y'know.
michelle.
i don't really know why. i'm still thinking a lot about a weird little situation that happened a month or so ago...
i'm wondering if i handled it the way i should have. or if i AM handling it the way i should be...
i'm just sad and mad and i am not sure why and what i should do about it. crawling under my desk seems like a good idea. so does getting really fucking stoned and going to sleep.
i don't know kids, i just don't know.
and i'm worrying...a lot. about a lot of stuff.
christ shit fuck damn.
i dunno, y'know.
michelle.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
i feel the need for speed!
i met him! i actually met the infamous 'wingman'!
the wingman is a part of the current male zietgiest (ha ha!) or something...
it refers to to half a pair of males where when one of the duo finds a girl he'd like to dance with, grope, whatever his friend is then required to distract her friend. hence the term: wingman-the boys protective spirit. the one who 'takes one for the team'. or something.
anyways, last night i had my first wingman experience and it was fucking hilarious. actually, it probably wasn't my first wingman experience but it was the first time i was completely aware of it. perhaps it was the harsh light of sobriety or perhaps it was the fact that jesse-the wingman-wasn't a very good wingman.
so here's what happened.
clarice, carmen and i went to see shout out out out out at the powerplant and then wanted to continue partying so at around 1:30 or so we braved the snowstorm and headed downtown to halo. as soon as we arrived at halo carmen and i made our way to the dance floor while clarice went to get some drinks. three seconds on the dance floor and this dude in a yellow shirt grabs carmen and starts dancing with him. i just keep dancing, i didn't care. clarice was coming back and the song was good-or at least keeping me on the floor. so three seconds after carmen starts dancing with mr. yellow shirt i meet the wingman.
wingman: hey!
me: hi. (big smile. whatever, i'm in a good mood)
wingman: did i button my shirt up wrong?
me: what? (what? it was loud)
wingman: did i button my shirt up right? or are they all messed up?
me: lemme see...(i look) nope. dude, you did it perfectly, congratulations!
wingman: so where were you lovely ladies before this?
me: uh...we were at the powerplant to see a band.
wingman: what band?
me: shout out out out out
wingman: whitey houston! i love whitey houston!
me: no. shout out out out out. but the dudes from whitey houston are in shout out out...
wingman: yeah, i love whitey houston! and the powerplant. i know the powerplant. i go to the university...
me: yeah, they're fun too.
wingman: i saw whitey houston once.
me: at the powerplant?
wingman: nope. at new city.
me: cool. yeah, i've seen them at new city a couple of times.
wingman: cool. was tonight good?
me: yep! it was rad. a totally fun show and it was free so even if it wasn't as good at least it didn't cost anything.
wingman: FREE?
me: yep. free! they were recording it for cbc radio.
wingman: cool.
me: have you guys been here all night?
wingman: yep. we got here a couple hours ago and we've just been drinking...well, should we dance since our friends are dancing?
me: sure, whatever.
we dance for a while and then the song ends. carmen and yellow shirt guy stop dancing and mr. yellow shirt walks away.
wingman: well, thanks for the dance. i'm jesse. what's your name?
me: michelle.
wingman: well michelle it was nice meeting you. i'm sure i'll see you at the university sometime. bye...
me: seeya.
thus ends my saga with the wingman. i wish you could have actually heard my conversation with this guy about whitey/shout out... it was the funniest thing ever.
girls don't really have a wingman equivalent do they?
happy saturday!
michelle.
the wingman is a part of the current male zietgiest (ha ha!) or something...
it refers to to half a pair of males where when one of the duo finds a girl he'd like to dance with, grope, whatever his friend is then required to distract her friend. hence the term: wingman-the boys protective spirit. the one who 'takes one for the team'. or something.
anyways, last night i had my first wingman experience and it was fucking hilarious. actually, it probably wasn't my first wingman experience but it was the first time i was completely aware of it. perhaps it was the harsh light of sobriety or perhaps it was the fact that jesse-the wingman-wasn't a very good wingman.
so here's what happened.
clarice, carmen and i went to see shout out out out out at the powerplant and then wanted to continue partying so at around 1:30 or so we braved the snowstorm and headed downtown to halo. as soon as we arrived at halo carmen and i made our way to the dance floor while clarice went to get some drinks. three seconds on the dance floor and this dude in a yellow shirt grabs carmen and starts dancing with him. i just keep dancing, i didn't care. clarice was coming back and the song was good-or at least keeping me on the floor. so three seconds after carmen starts dancing with mr. yellow shirt i meet the wingman.
wingman: hey!
me: hi. (big smile. whatever, i'm in a good mood)
wingman: did i button my shirt up wrong?
me: what? (what? it was loud)
wingman: did i button my shirt up right? or are they all messed up?
me: lemme see...(i look) nope. dude, you did it perfectly, congratulations!
wingman: so where were you lovely ladies before this?
me: uh...we were at the powerplant to see a band.
wingman: what band?
me: shout out out out out
wingman: whitey houston! i love whitey houston!
me: no. shout out out out out. but the dudes from whitey houston are in shout out out...
wingman: yeah, i love whitey houston! and the powerplant. i know the powerplant. i go to the university...
me: yeah, they're fun too.
wingman: i saw whitey houston once.
me: at the powerplant?
wingman: nope. at new city.
me: cool. yeah, i've seen them at new city a couple of times.
wingman: cool. was tonight good?
me: yep! it was rad. a totally fun show and it was free so even if it wasn't as good at least it didn't cost anything.
wingman: FREE?
me: yep. free! they were recording it for cbc radio.
wingman: cool.
me: have you guys been here all night?
wingman: yep. we got here a couple hours ago and we've just been drinking...well, should we dance since our friends are dancing?
me: sure, whatever.
we dance for a while and then the song ends. carmen and yellow shirt guy stop dancing and mr. yellow shirt walks away.
wingman: well, thanks for the dance. i'm jesse. what's your name?
me: michelle.
wingman: well michelle it was nice meeting you. i'm sure i'll see you at the university sometime. bye...
me: seeya.
thus ends my saga with the wingman. i wish you could have actually heard my conversation with this guy about whitey/shout out... it was the funniest thing ever.
girls don't really have a wingman equivalent do they?
happy saturday!
michelle.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
thinking with my vagina.
apparently i think, almost constantly, with my vagina.
apparently.
apparently i also have some serious issues with men.
or so i'm told.
i know what you're thinking, 'michelle, you seem so well adjusted and so unconcerned with sex. i doubt you ever think with your vagina. what kind of evidence is there to support these claims?'
ha ha. ok maybe i do think with my vagina from time to time. sometimes she knows better than me what i need. sometimes. other times she gets me in trouble. yeah, it's fun at the time. either way we have a pretty good relationship and we're pretty balanced in who's doing the thinking.
but my issues with men. whatever. this isn't the time or the place to get into that discussion but i thought i would share the supposed evidence that proves these MEGA-issues that i seem to have:
1) last year i went to see ...and you'll know us by the trail of dead and the (international) noise conspiracy and i HATED ...trail of dead. i thought they were an overly-masculine cock rock band that spent the majority of the evening cumming all over the audience's face. it just read as an example of a guitar being an extension of the phallus. to me it was boring and if i wanted to watch someone jerk off i'd have stayed home and watched free porn.
2) i hate HATE HATE 'waking life' i think it's a wank on existentialism that was designed to impress fellow film students with and to get undergrads into bed. it's an overly-masculine take on existentialism that fails miserably and ends up being a pretentious pile of nothing.
just because it's a discussion of existential crisis doesn't make it awesome. i know, existentialism is uber-trendy but pick up a book on existentialism or watch something that wasn't made to make the film makers look cool and then we'll chat. OR sit down and actually attempt to have a discussion with me about it. i am willing even to watch it again. i love having my mind changed by a piece of work i'd previously written off...
and finally 3) my cd collection. according mr. pop-psychology 101 my cd collection further proves my issues with men. apparently kelly clarkson, anti-flag, bright eyes, matthew dear and a lot of tom waits underscore some deep deep seeded issues. apparently an eclectic collection spanning a number of years and genres is infallible proof of the fact that i hate men.
so obviously i challenge this. i ask for more concrete proof. i ask for him to tell me me which album proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that either a) my vagina made that purchase; or b) that i was afraid of masculinity. (my vagina has purchased some of them but not the one's you'd think...)
the thing was so silly about all of it is that trail of dead and waking life were the only two artistic creations we'd ever discussed and that the one time we tried to talk about his art he dismissed what i had to say as shallow and immature. 'you'll grow out of that opinion michelle' is a childish response to criticism-childish at best.
and god forbid i even attempted to get into a discussion that traditional ideas of 'masculine' and 'feminine' are social constructs and are severely outdated-i'm sure he'd dismiss that idea as being elitist and call me a pseudo-intellectual and then talk about myspace or something. god!
and the thing of it all is that i CHOSE not to get into it with him. he's obviously the one with the issues about his own masculinity. i think for him admitting that my opinion is my own and therefore valid would negate his personal belief that he's somehow enlightened beyond traditional views of masculinity-when he really isn't. to disagree with me in discussion form would be to admit an enjoyment of that which i view to be hyper-masculine. if he were we could actually have a discussion about this and he would dismiss me as being shallow or insecure in my relationships with men or with my sexuality. apparently nothing is scarier challenge to an alpha-male than a girl with an opinion about gender and gender relationships as they relate to art.
quick boys, run away!
m.
apparently.
apparently i also have some serious issues with men.
or so i'm told.
i know what you're thinking, 'michelle, you seem so well adjusted and so unconcerned with sex. i doubt you ever think with your vagina. what kind of evidence is there to support these claims?'
ha ha. ok maybe i do think with my vagina from time to time. sometimes she knows better than me what i need. sometimes. other times she gets me in trouble. yeah, it's fun at the time. either way we have a pretty good relationship and we're pretty balanced in who's doing the thinking.
but my issues with men. whatever. this isn't the time or the place to get into that discussion but i thought i would share the supposed evidence that proves these MEGA-issues that i seem to have:
1) last year i went to see ...and you'll know us by the trail of dead and the (international) noise conspiracy and i HATED ...trail of dead. i thought they were an overly-masculine cock rock band that spent the majority of the evening cumming all over the audience's face. it just read as an example of a guitar being an extension of the phallus. to me it was boring and if i wanted to watch someone jerk off i'd have stayed home and watched free porn.
2) i hate HATE HATE 'waking life' i think it's a wank on existentialism that was designed to impress fellow film students with and to get undergrads into bed. it's an overly-masculine take on existentialism that fails miserably and ends up being a pretentious pile of nothing.
just because it's a discussion of existential crisis doesn't make it awesome. i know, existentialism is uber-trendy but pick up a book on existentialism or watch something that wasn't made to make the film makers look cool and then we'll chat. OR sit down and actually attempt to have a discussion with me about it. i am willing even to watch it again. i love having my mind changed by a piece of work i'd previously written off...
and finally 3) my cd collection. according mr. pop-psychology 101 my cd collection further proves my issues with men. apparently kelly clarkson, anti-flag, bright eyes, matthew dear and a lot of tom waits underscore some deep deep seeded issues. apparently an eclectic collection spanning a number of years and genres is infallible proof of the fact that i hate men.
so obviously i challenge this. i ask for more concrete proof. i ask for him to tell me me which album proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that either a) my vagina made that purchase; or b) that i was afraid of masculinity. (my vagina has purchased some of them but not the one's you'd think...)
the thing was so silly about all of it is that trail of dead and waking life were the only two artistic creations we'd ever discussed and that the one time we tried to talk about his art he dismissed what i had to say as shallow and immature. 'you'll grow out of that opinion michelle' is a childish response to criticism-childish at best.
and god forbid i even attempted to get into a discussion that traditional ideas of 'masculine' and 'feminine' are social constructs and are severely outdated-i'm sure he'd dismiss that idea as being elitist and call me a pseudo-intellectual and then talk about myspace or something. god!
and the thing of it all is that i CHOSE not to get into it with him. he's obviously the one with the issues about his own masculinity. i think for him admitting that my opinion is my own and therefore valid would negate his personal belief that he's somehow enlightened beyond traditional views of masculinity-when he really isn't. to disagree with me in discussion form would be to admit an enjoyment of that which i view to be hyper-masculine. if he were we could actually have a discussion about this and he would dismiss me as being shallow or insecure in my relationships with men or with my sexuality. apparently nothing is scarier challenge to an alpha-male than a girl with an opinion about gender and gender relationships as they relate to art.
quick boys, run away!
m.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
79% off gold! one day only!
hthe darkest parts of snowy nights are my favourite for two reasons:
1. the contemplative quiet of the snow. (it's too cold out to dress like a hooker and puke outside my house)
2. the glow reflected off the snow makes it feel like another side of day. a day half-shadowed where anything can happen.
today was a day where the numbers made all the difference.
one set of numbers confirms something i knew needed to be dealt with
one set of numbers gets you in touch with someone you love and don't see enough of and finally a third set of numbers tells you why it's a-ok to buy a $95 gold purse. $95 gold for $20...a girl can't ask for anything else.
oh, and there's a fourth. 2. that's for the two 4" heels i'm learning to wear. and i mean learning. who needs the gym to have nice calves, just walk three blocks in stilettos.
today has been a day.
also, i'm planning a trip to nyc-just a long weekend. nothing to special. maybe see a band and a play that i'll never see in edmonton. eat a cupcake with 4'' of icing at the magnolia bakery and get lost a MoMA for a day...who's in?! seriously, anyone care to join me? new york is fun and everyone can use a weekend in the really big city full of really fabulous shit!
*mwah. nite nite fare travellers.
m. n. k.
1. the contemplative quiet of the snow. (it's too cold out to dress like a hooker and puke outside my house)
2. the glow reflected off the snow makes it feel like another side of day. a day half-shadowed where anything can happen.
today was a day where the numbers made all the difference.
one set of numbers confirms something i knew needed to be dealt with
one set of numbers gets you in touch with someone you love and don't see enough of and finally a third set of numbers tells you why it's a-ok to buy a $95 gold purse. $95 gold for $20...a girl can't ask for anything else.
oh, and there's a fourth. 2. that's for the two 4" heels i'm learning to wear. and i mean learning. who needs the gym to have nice calves, just walk three blocks in stilettos.
today has been a day.
also, i'm planning a trip to nyc-just a long weekend. nothing to special. maybe see a band and a play that i'll never see in edmonton. eat a cupcake with 4'' of icing at the magnolia bakery and get lost a MoMA for a day...who's in?! seriously, anyone care to join me? new york is fun and everyone can use a weekend in the really big city full of really fabulous shit!
*mwah. nite nite fare travellers.
m. n. k.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
pleased.
what a pleasant day/evening i had.
i was not expected at work today due to a sudden influx of snow so i slept in a bit, ate a delicious orange and went to the gym. i like working out at 10am; the gym is far less crowded and the people there are far less likely to be whorey stripper wanna be's trying to pick up equally whorey boy stripper wanna be's. the overly tanned pheromones are enough to make a pasty girl puke all over her elliptical trainer.
after a hard workout i came home, had a nice shower and caught the bus to school. school afforded me the opportunity to say a farewell to my sartre paper. i assure you, there was no love lost between us when i said goodbye. yes, i'll get it back but then it will be only as a visitor and will have very little impact on my life. unless i do poorly on it, then i may have to burn it. i think i will also attempt to get a jump on my presentation and my long paper (7000 words! ack!)-both are due at the end of the month. yipes!
class was interesting today. oh, a little back story: since i finished my degree last june i have been feeling a little bit um...scholastically and intellectually diminished so i decided to go back to school and take one class that would be a challenge. being the theory nerd that i am i registered in comparative literature 448. the official title of the class was 'studies in critical theory' which left the topic of discussion to be determined by the prof.-he chose authorship. i'd be lying if i said it wasn't a challenge and that i wasn't overwhelmed by the abundance of grad students in my class. so yeah, today we talked about plato, medieval lit. theory and post-colonialism as it relates to salmon rushdie's 'the satanic verses'. all in all a very interesting day and the rushdie discussion was particularly interesting. i was pleased that one of my classmates was able to offer a muslim perspective. it made me realise how little i know about islam and the muslim faith.
following class i spent a little time with my mom and then met ashley and andy for dinner at cafe mosaics. i love making new friends. both those girls are fantastic people and i can't wait to spend more time with them and get to know them better. hopefully we will be able to see more of each other more often. ashley and i do see each other fairly regularly but rarely do we chat and spend any real time together. mostly we just bump into each other. i believe the phrase is 'concentric social circles' right? ;)
also, cafe mosaics is the height of yummy. vegan chocolate cake will change your life!
so here i am. feeling particularly enamored with jane austin. rachel and i have just returned from seeing 'pride and predjudice'. and while i can't say that i support the ideas of ms. austin's age i am impressed with her ability to take some step beyond what i imagine to be a severely patriarchal society and allow her female characters some semblance of personal agency. yes, they will end up married and referring to their husbands as mr. but they will take their time getting there and perhaps get there on their own terms. either way, the movie was fun and romantic and seeing those jane austin things always leaves me slightly girly and longing for a boy to love me having never even kissed me.
i hope you all had an equally wonderful day.
we should hang out more often, dear friends. for i miss you. even those of you far far away or that i have yet to meet.
xo michelle.
i was not expected at work today due to a sudden influx of snow so i slept in a bit, ate a delicious orange and went to the gym. i like working out at 10am; the gym is far less crowded and the people there are far less likely to be whorey stripper wanna be's trying to pick up equally whorey boy stripper wanna be's. the overly tanned pheromones are enough to make a pasty girl puke all over her elliptical trainer.
after a hard workout i came home, had a nice shower and caught the bus to school. school afforded me the opportunity to say a farewell to my sartre paper. i assure you, there was no love lost between us when i said goodbye. yes, i'll get it back but then it will be only as a visitor and will have very little impact on my life. unless i do poorly on it, then i may have to burn it. i think i will also attempt to get a jump on my presentation and my long paper (7000 words! ack!)-both are due at the end of the month. yipes!
class was interesting today. oh, a little back story: since i finished my degree last june i have been feeling a little bit um...scholastically and intellectually diminished so i decided to go back to school and take one class that would be a challenge. being the theory nerd that i am i registered in comparative literature 448. the official title of the class was 'studies in critical theory' which left the topic of discussion to be determined by the prof.-he chose authorship. i'd be lying if i said it wasn't a challenge and that i wasn't overwhelmed by the abundance of grad students in my class. so yeah, today we talked about plato, medieval lit. theory and post-colonialism as it relates to salmon rushdie's 'the satanic verses'. all in all a very interesting day and the rushdie discussion was particularly interesting. i was pleased that one of my classmates was able to offer a muslim perspective. it made me realise how little i know about islam and the muslim faith.
following class i spent a little time with my mom and then met ashley and andy for dinner at cafe mosaics. i love making new friends. both those girls are fantastic people and i can't wait to spend more time with them and get to know them better. hopefully we will be able to see more of each other more often. ashley and i do see each other fairly regularly but rarely do we chat and spend any real time together. mostly we just bump into each other. i believe the phrase is 'concentric social circles' right? ;)
also, cafe mosaics is the height of yummy. vegan chocolate cake will change your life!
so here i am. feeling particularly enamored with jane austin. rachel and i have just returned from seeing 'pride and predjudice'. and while i can't say that i support the ideas of ms. austin's age i am impressed with her ability to take some step beyond what i imagine to be a severely patriarchal society and allow her female characters some semblance of personal agency. yes, they will end up married and referring to their husbands as mr. but they will take their time getting there and perhaps get there on their own terms. either way, the movie was fun and romantic and seeing those jane austin things always leaves me slightly girly and longing for a boy to love me having never even kissed me.
i hope you all had an equally wonderful day.
we should hang out more often, dear friends. for i miss you. even those of you far far away or that i have yet to meet.
xo michelle.
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