HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!

wow, my blog is one year old today! me and fifteen feet of pure white snow, a match made in heaven...who'd have thought i'd manage to stay interested for all this time...

so happy birthday blog, you're rad.

and shit kids, not only is it blog's birthday but it's the end of the year and holy smokes the need to be self-reflective has never been so strong.

michelle's year in review:

a lot of stuff happened to me this year so i'm just gonna pop it out in point form as i think of stuff...

-i spent my first full year without any sort of official educational pursuits at all since i was 5. no workshops, no classes, nothing. no wonder my brain feels all stupid and mushy. 2006 is sure to be the remedy for that.

-i met someone who i gave everything to way to quickly and in the process i had my heart completely dessimated. i also got over it and have made a full recovery, i hope.

-i had some of the BEST (and worst) sex of my life. in the process i learned that i LOVE what my body is capable of feeling. i also learned how easy it can be to turn off those parts of your heart and your brain that may be trying to tell you that what you're doing isn't the best thing for you. i don't know how i feel about that...going along with that i learned a fair amount about what does/doesn't turn me on and began exploring some fetishes...a little.

-i made some awesome friends this year and to all of you i am so glad to have you in my life. there were moments that i am not sure i would have been able to deal with were it not for you. you know who you are and i thank you for it.

-on a related note: some decisions were also made in regards to older friends. some friendships were put aside because they were self-destructive or whatever and others were strengthened. people far away or people i never thought i'd be so close with have become insanely important to me. thanks girls, you never fail to make me smile.

-i got a little star tattoo but have also started a major tattooing process that's making me feel things about my body and my relation to it that i've never experience in my life. i love that there's something about my body, my skin, that i WANT to show off, that i want people to touch...i've never experienced that before, ever!

-i also got a couple of fun piercings too.

-this was also a year full of new music. i have heard so much and bought so many albums and it's all been so amazing. i am learning to interact with music and listen to it in a way i've never done before. i'm also learning that there is stuff i NEVER thought i'd like in a million years. actually, 90% of my favourite albums of the year are things that last year i would have scoffed at. music has officially become my primary means of inspiration! (not that it wasn't before but now it's pretty much constant)

-i had a little taste of what it's like to make a record and wow! i have so much more respect for musicians of all kinds, especially the ones without serious financial backing. thanks for keeping me in the loop with that one jeff, it was amazing to see and i have a ridiculous amount of respect for what you were able to do.

-i moved out! (finally!) and came to a pretty good place in my relationship with both my parents. i am thankful to have them in my life...

-and (HOLY FUCK) natasha and i started mischief and mayhem, put on a show and were it not for our charitable donations, would have made money...

so yeah, and i am sure there were so many more things that happened...12 months is a long time and i spent this year making an effort to be more open to letting things happen and just having fun...

so in the spirit of the end i have made a few, not resolutions, but decisions for the upcoming year:

- i am going to try and be more forgiving. to me that encompasses being FAR less judgemental and far more willing to be open to accepting the idea that perhaps my first impressions of people may not be always be right.

-i am going to make a better attempt to take care of my shyness a little. i want to be more fearless and put myself into social situations that may be slightly awkward but have the potential for fun! i just need to be OPEN to all the awesome that people can share.

-i want to learn more about dance hall and electronic music; a lot more.

-kissing. more kissing.

-and i want to make sure that the people i care about are always close to me, if not in distance but in my heart. i want to make sure that my friends know how i feel about them...friends, i love ya!

xo and HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING NEW YEAR!

michelle.

warning: PLOT RUINED BELOW!

when six feet under ends at the end of this, its fifth season, nate fisher dies.

is everyone alright? did i terribly ruin anyone's life with this information?

no? ok. but earlier today, i did.

i was having lunch with a friend and i told her i finally got around to finished off season four. ok, so i know it's lame to talk about a television show over lunch with someone you haven't seen in a while but it's a good fucking show and no one hesitates to talk about movies/music over lunch so whatever...not the point. so we're talking about the show and i say, 'keri told me that nate dies at the end of season five...' and she looked at me like i'd done something really and truly mean to her. seriously, i had to honestly apologize.

...it's fucking television people! get a fucking clue! it really IS NOT the end of the world by ANY stretch of the imagination! fuck! so nate fisher dies of some brain disease...who cares? so know you know and it's not a surprise, big fucking deal! seriously! for someone to get mad at me for telling them how something that ISN'T REAL ends...god!

i just can't even fathom how that is actually and realistically bad.

xo michelle

p.s. if you haven't seen it, the titanic sinks, kevin spacey is the bad guy, tyler durden is a symptom of jack's raging psychosis and it's all fucking fiction. let real life surprise and leave (even good) television to do what it does: delude and entertain.

the tattoo saga pt.12

holy crap! part twelve!!

i got my first tattoo in the summer of 2002. i was 21 and didn't even have my ears pierced.
it's winter 2005 and i am working on my fifth tattoo (can a sleeve really be called ONE tattoo...??), have my ears, nose, conch and nipples pierced.

when i got that first one done i never thought i'd be here. admittedly, i was surprised that i even got that one done and after it was done i figured that would be it; then i got the second one done and i said that was it; after the third one i said i'd get some more but never a sleeve; the fourth one was spur of the moment; the sleeve makes me feel more beautiful than i've ever felt in my whole life.

i have more planned too. a few more. i'd like to get something for my parents (an idea i fully admit to stealing), and some other more 'traditional' looking tattoos. i also want to get some surface piercings and get my other nostril and conch pierced and well as my hood. yep, i said i wanted to get my hood pierced. it'll be fun! like FUN all the time!

so that's where i am the current saga...the nose my get done on friday, we'll see.
but in the meantime here are some pictures of the latest work done on my sleeve:
xo m.

spinning

so ok, i read spin magazine. i know it's total rock trash but i LOVE it! chuck klosterman makes me laugh and within those pages there is always something to annoy me and those of you who know me you know i love to be annoyed.

back tracking a bit, i've been a music fan since i heard green day back in like, 1992-1993 and a total hardcore music junkie since i discovered nirvana just prior to kurt cobain's death in late '93 early '94. i haven't looked back since. as a result i have been reading spin for just as long. i remember when kurt cobain died, i remember an old issue with tim armstrong and lars frederickson on the cover showing off their ninja hardcore moves, i remember when spin was a 'big' magazine (size-wise) like rolling stone. i remember all of that. i've also written them 4 letters over the years and had the first, and only one, published last year.

lately spin hasn't had much to offer me. they rarely feature bands i've not heard of or rarely have anything interesting to say; i blame twenty years of wading through crap and franz ferdinand...yes, i blame franz ferdinand for making spin sort of crappy over the last couple of years! it must be hard for a magazine to write interesting stuff when they spend all their time jerking off the crappiest band on the planet (next to U2 of course)...

...so here i am this evening, reading an old october 2005 issue that i hadn't had time to flip through until now (you should see how many unread books/magazines i have...i'm a word junkie) and the focus of the issue is their twentieth anniversary; more specifically it's their last special about alternative music 'innovators'...cool, eh?

so who would you expect to see in there? kurt cobain? well, he's dead so they can't interview him. frank black? check! anthony kiedis? check! chuck d? check! courtney love? check! eddie vedder? check! beastie boys? check! ian mackaye? check! conor oberst? check? brandon flowers? check?

ok wait, conor oberst and brandon flowers? i'm sorry...innovators? what? yes, i LOVE conor oberst. i want to marry the boy and save his sad emo soul but in the company of chuck d and eddie vedder he is hardly an innovator in the field of alternative rock. he's making smart, awesome music at a time when smart awesome music is cool, when indie rock is selling and when there's no need to sell yourself to a major label. i don't think i'm being too bold when i say that NONE of his success would have ever been possible were it not for those mentioned in the same article, he even cites ian mackaye and discord as being huge influences on him. conor oberst is 25...

...and so is brandon flowers! he isn't even 25! he's 24, he's my age! when spin asked him, 'what were you doing in 1985 when spin started?' he replied, 'i was 4 and in pre-school so probably not much of anything' so what the hell? innovative, i believe this even less than i believe conor oberst as an innovator. i think innovative has become a word so commonly misused and now refers to people who are popular. it has to! the killers are a gigantic band and have never been anything besides a gigantic band. they have the weight of nostalgia, 80s new wave, and a major record label behind them; the only innovation i can see is that of getting out of bed in the morning and putting on a dior coat.

this makes me mad. i think it's giving kids the wrong impression. i think it furthers this sort of post-post-modern belief that originality is dead and as long as you can make a decent copy of something previously existing you're good to go. maybe conor oberst has something to smart to say, i think he does (but i'm biased) but he certainly has yet to do anything truly innovative. and brandon flowers, c'mon...do you think i made that dior coat thing up myself? it seems like the guy has nothing better to do but rag on other bands and talk about clothes.

i miss 1995-1996 when all this was so new to me and there were people who had cool shit to say and cool music to make. i don't know, maybe it wasn't even innovative then, maybe i just thought it was, or just felt like it was...shit, maybe that's what the killers are to kids these days. maybe they're doing what nirvana did for me 12 years ago. i'd find that hard to believe but maybe it's true. maybe i'm a jaded snob who thinks a band that ended in 1994 with a stunningly sad shotgun blast was the best it gets. but that can't be true either because i'm still hearing stuff all the time that's making me feel good about music and where it's going. maybe now spin just needs to catch up!

wow, that was snobby!

thank god they don't say anything about franz ferdinand or i'd be writing another letter!

the list: 2005

well, as most of you who read this thing regularly know, i'm huge HUGE music fan; and as a huge music fan i feel compelled to make THE LIST: 2005! the list:2005 will include the 10 best releases of the year, the five most disappointing releases of the year, the five best live shows of the year and the five most disappointing live shows of the year-all according to and from the little mind of yours truly, MOI!

so enjoy because this was a fun (and difficult) list to compile!!

THE TEN BEST RELEASES OF 2005

10. ladytron: the witching hour (rykodisc)

ladytron is the band metric would be if metric were awesome. lush, sexy, epic tales of electronic danceable love...

this is an album for late nights fueled by red wine, ghosts and unrequited love.











9. broken social scene: to be you and me-ep (arts & crafts)


before you start to freak out about how much better 'you forgot it in people' is take a second look at which broken social scene album i'm talking about...

yes, the full-length is rad but it's the limited edition ep that accompnies the self-titled release that really showcases bss' awesomeness*.

i think this was my year for loving things that i feel are 'lush'... or in the case of this ep, lushious. i want to make out to this.

sexy bass lines+pretty girl singing+lonely hotel room lyrics=wicked awesomeness*


*awesomeness is so a word!

8. xiu xiu: la foret (5RC/kill rock stars)

ok haters, i love xiu xiu; they're one of my favourite bands ever. 'knife play' continues to kick my ass every time i listen to it. there are moments with 'fabulous muscles' that make me weep uncontrollably. and now 'la foret' ok...at first i hated this record. it was too quiet. i put it on one afternoon while i was cleaning my house and within moments i had forgotten i was even listening to it. it made me mad. how dare xiu xiu (the quietest live band i've ever seen) make a quiet record?!

a week or so later i forgave a little and in a fit of insomnia i put it on with headphones hoping it's silence would put me to sleep; it didn't. instead, it kept me up all night listening and relistening to the amazing subtleties and minute shifts in instrumentation. i was instantly reminded of why xiu xiu is awesome: emotionally honest, unafraid and challenging with every shift and every release.

7. lcd soundsystem-s/t (dfa/emi)

everyone knows this record is rad. there are few who'll dispute it's radness.

i forgot that i sort of like really-super dancy electronic music and this record reminded me. for that reason alone it's on the list.

honestly, is there anyone who doesn't like this album? and who doesn't want daft punk to play at their house? or james murphy for that matter...








6. m. ward: transistor radio (merge)

ok, so it's not 2003 and m. ward didn't just release 'the transfiguration of vincent' and didn't just make me cream in my panties with all his folky goodness. in fact, i hadn't even heard of this lovely man in 2003. i was introduced to his awesomeness on october 19, 2004 when he opened for/played as part of bright eyes. he opened his set with a five minute acoustic guitar finger picking dance explosion. it was rad. i was in love.

so fast forward to 2005 and i have spent a bunch of cash tracking down harder to find older releases and then one day i bumped into this at blackbyrd...'transistor radio' a deliciously lo-fi ode community radio.

not as good as his '03 release, 'transistor radio' will still make you cream your folk-music panties. i'm firmly convinced that tape his is a required element for living and m. ward should convince you to. i can only imagine how good this album would sound on vinyl...*drool*

5. venetian snares: meathole (planet mu)


up until a couple of months ago i hadn't heard about venetian snares except in passing. while on a quest for music to 'make my ears bleed' i was seriously introduced to this album and it totally kicked my ass. i listened to it constantly for two weeks trying to figure it out. i didn't figure it out and i can't explain to you why it's awesome. i don't have the base to be able to discuss it. it's lush but painful. it makes you want to dance but keeps you sitting still. it makes you think your possessed by something but completely in control.

whatever it is...AWESOME! to me this is what music should be about...utterly (at least for me) unclassifiable but totally listenable...

4. les angles morts: what's real (blue skies turn black)


i am pretty much sick of the arcade fire and they can pretty much suck it, seriously. HYPE is deadly!

but les angles morts are the founding members of the arcade fire...thank god they're making something totally un-arcade fire/kings of canadian indie rock-esq.

this is jangly, lovely electronic something-else! i totally love this record. i don't have the backgroud to talk about the sound of les angles morts in comparison to other bands or generic classification; all i know is that this is good. it's clean and crisp and makes me long for summer time and being too hot and too stoned...go figure.



3. four tet: everything ecstatic (domino)

2005 was the year of 'new to me'...i know, how could i NOT have heard four tet before? it happens. there are people who have never heard the ramones, seriously so should it come as a shock to you that there's one band i hadn't heard of...

anyways, i've heard of them now and they're fucking awesome and this album makes me want to dance in the sun!

yay summer! yay four tet!








2. bright eyes: i'm wide awake it's morning (saddle creek)

i love bright eyes! i have for a couple of years now. i flew all the way to vancouver to watch him cry and strum away at that lovely little guitar. i have also watched him grow up and out of that little emo boy who cried his way through trips along the west coast in june into this wonderful grownup boy with a broken heart and a protest song to boot!

what the hell and i talking about up there? too boot? who uses that phrase?! and who cares if he's no longer a whiney emo kid...i think that's where people are getting all pissy about this record; they want to hate him. they want him to be the whiney emo kid so they can hate this album. it's easier to hate it than eat your words and admit that mr. oberst is indeed a good songwriter and does indeed have something to offer to independant music.

he has a voice and a style that speaks to honesty and true love and a developing political awareness that goes beyond the 'i hate george bush' rhetortic and actually has something to say and something to offer. it's all about hope i guess. four tet is my favourite new discovery of 2005. paying attention to what other people tell me has finally paid off...

1. antony and the johnsons: i'm a bird now (secretly canadian)

nick, i owe you a debt of eternal gratitude for this one.

i don't have the words. this is the BEST album, top to bottom, i've heard in years.
seriously. listen for yourself because nothing i can say is going to properly put it into perspective.

soulful, perfect, spectacularly and epically beautiful doesn't even begin to describe...








FOUR MOST DISAPPOINTING RELEASES OF 2005

#4. beck: guero (interscope)

beck's awesome! this record isn't! good isn't nearly as good as awesome so it's disappointing.

#3 hot hot heat: elevator (sire)
#2 metric: live it out (last gang)

while 2005 may have been the 'new to me' year it also appeared to be the 'rest on your laurels' year for bands that i used to like. it's not that they're bad, or it is. they are bad! these two bands have made albums that sound like nothing more than the bad b-sides from their previous (and good) releases. i think that perhaps the boys in hot hot heat forgot that amongst awesomely tight girl's jeans and hair product they were suppose to write catchy dance songs and perhaps emily haines just got too caught up in showing off her panties. whatever happened recycled cell phone jingles and faux-politics got these cats nowhere!

#1 city and colour: sometimes (dine alone records)

so it appears as if dallas green wants to take a step back from alexisonfire and pay homage to what...his obnoxious whiney emo roots. this album is nothing more than 10 whiney songs scraped from the bottom of annoying hardcore turned instropective singer songwriter and what's worse, it's been done. canada doesn't need our very own dashboard confessional, one on the continent is more than enough.

i bought this cd, listened to it once and gave it away. i couldn't get it out of my house fast enough.

to follow in our theme of disappointment and to end of a postive note with more awesomeness...

FIVE MOST DISAPPOINTING LIVE SHOWS OF 2005

#5. black dice at victory lounge.

it's not that they were bad, because they weren't. those boys are amazing musicians and this was the ONLY show at which i've ever worn earplugs. it was disappointing because a) they lacked any sort of stage presence and b) because their set was ridiculously short and c) the time appeared to be waaay to dependent on their visual display which was made totally uninteresting by the set up at victory. now, ok i know what some of you are thinking, 'michelle, how can laptop musicians have stage presence?' and i'm here to tell you that they can. stage presence isn't about what you're doing, it's about how much you want to be up there and i just didn't get the impression they gave a shit.

but hey, it was loud and i've wanted to see black dice for a long time so that's good.

#4. kid 606 at victory lounge

i had high high high expectations for this show, everyone had been raving about how super rad his latest release was and how awesome a show he's known to put on. i haven't heard is his newest release and his live show was FAR too much drum and bass for my taste. also, he had all these awesome little kid's noisy toys and i kept waiting for them to become a part of the show but they were never used. i'm so not a fan of needless set decoration.

#3. the most serene republic opening for broken social scene at reds

i'd seen the most serene republic three weeks earlier opening for metric and they rocked my sock drawer off. they were so fun and so jubilant and involved. fast forward to boring land. no jubilation, no involvement. not even a single pair of socks was rocked.

#2. caribou at new city

remember those high expectations that i had for kid606? they were even higher for caribou (formerly manitoba) because his record's good and everyone raved about his live show. i wish i could put my finger on why this show was disappointing but unfortunately i have nothing better to say then it was just sort of boring. we stuck it out for the whole thing but i could have left before he'd finished and not felt too bad about it.

#1. metric at starlite room

metric played THREE sold out shows in edmonton. when i heard they were coming i was pumped! i was so slack in my ticket buying i was actually worried that i wasn't going to be able to see them. i finally got a ticket and standing there with rachel and skye this show called to mind a lyric from one of my favourite metric songs (dead disco) that says 'kick off the lethargy' and that's what i kept waiting for. i stood there waiting for this show to be as good as it was when i saw them two years ago. i kept waiting to want to do dance, to be compelled by the music to shake something. it never happened, instead i stood there at the back on the starlite room trying not to scratch my newly tattooed arm staring up at the smoke detector checking how often it was in time with the kick drum. my chief complaint about this show is the same complaint i have about their album-lacklustre. everything in beige and i want hot pink!

TEN BEST SHOWS OF 2005

#10. folk fest in gallagher park

i'd never been to the folk fest before this year! happy birthday to me! it was a great four days spent in the sun with good friends and good music. highlights include: the weakerthans, marth wainwright, wendy mcneill, danny michel, ryan adams and the cardinals and steve earl!

#9. greg macpherson at power plant

i hadn't really intended to go out the night of mr. macpherson's awesome show but keri called me and said that adam was sure i'd be into it. so i went. why the hell not right? i'm so glad i went. i sat at the table drinking my face off with a contant smile. greg macpherson is an intensly watchable, apparently kind, amazing performer. i was impressed from start to finish!

#8. the (international) noise conspriracy at reds

they weren't headlining but they weren't opening. the were the co-headliners on what seemed to me to be the oddest bill in...ever. despite the fact that i really DID NOT enjoy and you'll know us by the trail of dead, t(i)nc were soooooo awesome! i danced, i sang along and i saw one of my favourite bands of forever!

#7. blonde redhead at new city

ok, the opening band sucked. SUCKED! SUCKED! they were so bad that i don't even remember what they were called. i can't put them on my list because i didn't even listen to them. thank god for blonde redhead. quiet, sexy, lush and the kind of music that takes you somewhere else. best new city show ever!

#6. jr. boys at new city

it's funny that the jr. boys should be on my list of awesome because the band that they opened for, caribou, is on my list of not awesome. these boys make SEXY music. i danced, i sweated into my vans (or perhaps my blue loafers) and had an awesome time.


#5. xiu xiu at freemason's hall

yep, i love xiu xiu. this show was amazing because not only were the two opening acts (junior bloomsday and this song is a mess but so am i) stellar but this was one the quietest most intimate shows i've seen. the fact that people got mad when audience members were talking too loud was rad. it demonstrated a respect for the band, the music and the people around you. wicked shit!

#4. polmo polpo w. noot at victory lounge

(noot) first. laptop. show. ever.
saw about 8 million more this year. this one's still the best.

then there were all those dials that polmo polpo had. i have no idea what they were all for but i was riveted. 100% there!

#3. no means no at the sidetrack

no means no have been one of the best punk bands of all time for years but up until two weeks ago i'd never seen them. well, all's right with the world! this show was rad, it was so fun to hang out with chelsea and MOSH! yep, i moshed a little...and it was totally voluntary and i wasn't annoyed about the mosh kids at all. superlatives are lacking!

#2 green day at rexall place

i've been a fan of green day since i was 11 years old and 12 years later i finally got to see them live. all weirdness aside (drunks chanting for thrice, my chemical romance, rexall place) this show was amazing! i was on my feet singing at the top of my lungs to every song (even the operation ivy covers) and it was fantastic. i felt like i was that kid again, that scared little girl with headphones on, rocking out secretly in my room. god it was awesome!

#1 tortoise at starlite room

this show was the highlight of my summer. everything about it was totally rad. i got to see someone i care about open for a band i love, and play an awesome set! tortoise, HOLY FUCKING CRAP! bonertown! seriously! i was standing right at the front of the stage and i could feel the music take complete control over my body. i just stood there, eyes closed, letting every note overtake me. i haven't left a show feeling that sense of satisfaction ever. EVER!

so i think that's the list. the whole list. yep, there are some honourable mentions for sure but my brain is tired from making this list so i'll do that list at another time.

xo michelle.

inappropriate txt messages

is it uncool for me to send someone a text message that says the following:

'come meet us at _____ (insert the name of some bar), buy me a drink and then take me home and fuck me til i can't remember either of our names!'

or if i'm not at the bar,

'i want you in my bed.'

can i do that? i sort of want to.

xo michelle.

cake!

i love seeing old friends.

i love when itchy tweed feels good on my skin.

i love people who give good hugs-you know the kind that go all the way from your toes to your head. those are the best kind.

i love being told i look nice when i'm not wearing make-up and am in terrible need of a dye-job.

i love being complimented on my hoodie.

i love that i can look at him and hug him and not feel like my intestines are being ripped out through a small opening in my tongue, or even just being vomitted up and out my mouth.

i love eating cake and blogging and feeling good about my head aching and my tiredness and absolutely without getting stoned.

ha! i love getting stoned.

louise, i am SOOO SOOO SOOO sorry to hear about your foot. i am sending you hugs and love.

xo michelle.

breakfast conversation...

so I get asked this question:

“when you tell a girl you like her shirt does she automatically assume you’re checking out her tits?”

or something to that effect.

I reply with a simple no because there are ways to tell when someone’s checking out your tits without them having to say a word. I don’t explain that. I just say no.

“so why do they always cover up (a gesture is made) when you say it?”

because most people are self-conscious and when attention is put on them they recoil. I do the same thing: I’m not assuming someone is checking me out but I am suddenly aware that they might start.

or something to that effect. either way it got me thinking, in fact I have been thinking about it all day. not about whether or not I think someone’s checking me out when they compliment my shirt but about that reaction. and thinking about that reaction got me thinking about my own body and how I feel about it.

things are changing.

two years and well before that I hated it. I wanted no part of it. I let it do as it pleased and we didn’t communicate. sure we got off now and again and we got tattooed a bit and we felt all that but we weren’t communicating. I wasn’t aware of it’s importance.

so like I said, things are changing.

major work is being done. I think it comes from a place of sadness but I’m starting to discover that I need to give my body a little more credit.

so in may I pierced my nipples. now I am getting seriously tattooed. it’s not about vanity or sex or any of those things (although, I don’t have much to complain about with the nipple piercings…). it’s about making that connection with my body and how it feels things and what makes it feel good. so we chat more now.

and I am starting to love her. to love her imperfection. to love the additions to her that have made her beautiful. I love her skin, her rough parts, her soft parts, her imperfections.

but see-her. not I love MY imperfection; I love HER imperfection.

but here’s the good news. I’m starting to get it. I’m finding places and parts of my body that I love. I LOVE the spot just inside my ribcage where my loneliness sleeps and lives. I love my legs, especially the back part of my thighs. I love my arm. I love how I can close my eyes and feel no difference between the tattooed one and the untattooed one; it’s a part of me now and I LOVE that. I love the line that I can trace from my hipbone to my inner thigh. and as ridiculous and bullshitty-vagina-monologue-faux-feminism-crappy as it sounds, I LOVE my vag. seriously, orgasms rule. the intimacy of penetration rules (not always afterwards but in the moment it seriously rules). the feeling of someone’s entire weight. jesus…

…off topic. that’ll be for another post entitled, ‘holy crap it’s been forever since I felt that…call me!’ the whole thing will scream ‘quiet desperation’! anyways…

so yeah, I’m learning.

this is all pretty cliché, I know. but I in a place right now where I am constantly thinking; working out my feelings for things and people and myself. the world is doing new things to me. i’m letting it. and it all connects to my body. the more I change it the more the world changes it’s reaction to me and consequently my relationship with it. or something…the point I am currently a terrible narcissist who thinks of no one save for herself and her self esteem issues…ha ha! no, the point is I just needed to get it out. so yeah…

/cliché.

and what does this all have to do with complimenting t-shirts and checking out tits? I do that. I pull my shirt away from my body. it’s instinctual. it’s about how we relate personally to our bodies. maybe the topless pictures will change all that…*wink*

oh shit: an amendment

things have been weird.

i want to be with someone i probably shouldn't want to be with.

fuck, ok. i'll be clearer. a while back i slept with this guy. we've remained friends (which is weird considering we weren't really friends before) and we hang out on occassion. that's cool right? it's nice that we're able to have a mature adult relationship.

here's the new truth: while having this nice mature adult relationship i realised, somewhere along the path, that i sort of wouldn't mind dating him. yikes, right? a bit. mostly yikesy because i am not sure where we stand...i know i could just chat with him about it and i know i probably should just chat with him about it but i'm scared of rejection. i was about to make up this big story about him relishing in his position of dominance over me (yummm) and whatnot but that's bullshit. i'm just scared. amidst all this fear though is this ridiculous crush. i want to date him. he makes me soooo angry and he makes me laugh and he makes me feel beautiful and desired and when i am within 10 ft. of him i am a mess, his presence in a room turns me on! to the point of becoming a fidgeting mess, actually!

and then there was this other boy who i thought i'd had a giant crush on for ages. i did have a crush on him for a while. more from a distance than anything else. there was this mystique about him. dark hair, dark eyes, constantly surrounded by people obviously wanting something. then we became friends and he's none of those thing. he isn't particularly mysterious and while great fun to flirt with there's no real spark. he's a wicked kid. i love him to death. as soon as we met i liked him. i like discovering crushes on new friends weren't really that substantial to begin with.

so then last night i went on a date with a nice boy called mike. we had a good time, good conversation, good beer (the fact that i am hungover now reinforces the fun...) but there's just something i can't get into about him. now, i am NOT shallow. i have ONE aesthetic requirement when it comes to attraction and the rest is based entirely on chemistry and personality. my one requirement is height. i need a boy who is AT LEAST as tall as me, if not a couple inches taller. that's it. that's all i ask and i don't think that's asking a lot, nor do i think it's shallow. so mike is 5'2'' and i just can't get past the fact that he's close to 5 inches shorter than me! i felt so awkward standing beside him waiting for the light to change last night as we said goodbye. i couldn't picture myself bending down to kiss him. i like to be at equal height with a boys lips or have to stretch up to meet them. girls, you know how awesome it is to have to perch on your tippy toes to kiss someone. i LOVE it!

so what do all these little blurbs have to do with my 'fuck fuck fuck fuck' cut and paste previous posting? well, it sort of all came to a head on tuesday. the boy i want got back from a trip and i realised i missed him. the date got planned on tuesday and talking to the other boy about all this really put that whole 'crush' thing in perspective...it was a rough day.

i hate knowing that i wouldn't mind a little companionship. i'm good being on my own and it takes a lot for me to reconcile the fact that maybe we all need/want someone to spend those quiet evenings at home with...

xo michelle.

oh shit.

fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck

and suddenly i'm a reviewer...

in the interest of full disclosure i should tell you all that i consider jeff a good friend. i am so happy for him and he deserves years of rock stardom because he's such a genuine and hardworking guy.

now to rip apart the album he put his heart and soul into:

leaving juneau
get out of the weather
independently released, november 2005
produced and recorded by randor lin
mixed by chris sturwuld.

stuck out in the middle of the prairies edmonton has always been a musical town. perhaps it's due to the fact that it's too fucking cold to do anything besides sit in your warm bedroom and play guitar. resulting from all this cold weather guitar hibernating is a million shitty bands and a million more jaded scenesters. leaving juneau falls into neither of these catagories. made up of three of the nicest guys and born out of the ashes of two fashioncore/screamo bands (both guitartist/songwriter jeff (archibald) and drummer nick bryant played in sierra and bassist adam dingle played in the recently disbanned -stillframe-) leaving juneau seeks to find that niche indie rock spot in a sea of dancy-pants 'indietronic' casio loving hipsters.

composed entirely by archibald 'get out of the weather' is generally a strong record. the albums two greatest strengths are it's lyrics and production quality. the latter strikes the perfect balance between polished pop songs and underproduced indie rock. tape hiss, while a required element for living, is used sparingly and therefore convincingly and it's great to hear that producer randor lin isn't afraid of pop music. archibald is obviously a strong writer unafraid to be honest his feelings and about putting them on paper. he understand music's ability to be cathartic without falling into the catagory of whiney, self-indulgent, emo princess.

this album suffers, however, not for lack of lack of talent but for lack of experience. because the majority of these songs were composed by archibald for leaving juneau the solo project the addition of drums and bass appear, at times, haphazard and under-composed. bryant is strong drummer and a welcome addition to most songs but rarely steps away from that bright eyes influenced snare heavy drum sound. i also feel like the bass is under-used and under-represented in the mix. archibald's voice also feels the weight of inexperience. while almost always singing in key, the range is small and the articulation isn't always there. i also longed to hear more piano. it would be a nice contrast to the often strained snare drum sound.

guests on this album include matthieu damer playing cello and heathyr black adding her vocals to 'new', the opening track. I WANT MORE CELLO! i love the cello. while strings have become the ultimate in indie rock cliche they are an amazing addition to this album and really augment the intensity and emotional honesty of archibald's lyrics. black, on the other hand, over-powers archibald's singing. the quality and tone of her voice make an otherwise beautiful (and one of my favourites) song sound awkward. perhaps the addition of another male voice would have offered just as many dynamic shifts as the female voice.

i am forever in love with the moments when all three boys unabashedly embrace their pop roots and make us dance and sing aloud with equal ferocity. "streets" and "these walls have eyes" are specific example of this indie pop love! after seeing leaving juneau live many times it's these songs that they really blossom on as a band and that translates well when recorded. these are the songs where you know they were having fun in the studio, in rehearsal and every time they play them. you know they had fun because shit, you're having fun as you listen to them!

people love to toss around the dreaded 'emo' word when refering to this band. perhaps it's their backgrounds or the fact that as a song-writer archibald is unafraid to tell you how he's feeling. the absolute highlights of this album are the moments when we're let into archibald's world. it's not a world of falling black stars, bleeding hearts, or girl's jeans; it's emotionally honest. sit down with 'new', 'this one is for me' or 'speak without pause' and you'll be treated to something well beyond a broken-hearted treatise. you'll be told secrets and you'll listen, rapt, because you know they're true.

despite it's flaws this album is a beautiful honest piece of work and the love that went into it's production is evident in every chord change. this is an album for cold wintery days spent driving along highways and ever-expanding freeways. it's for sunday afternoons with your lover and with yourself. it's for anyone who's ever had their heartbroken or swam in cold water. it's worth your time to give this album a listen. so do it. now. c'mon. go get it.

to get your hands on it drop jeff a line at jeffreyarchibald@yahoo.ca or head out to your favourite whyte ave indie record store (blackbyrd, southside sound, megatunes). support your local musicians! they deserve it!

xo michelle.

a fetish for sentimentality

it's that time of year.

the time when things are ending. when the world is committing that wintery suicide to make room for a whole new...life.

i am already really looking forward to the spring. not because i hate winter or because it's cold but because i am feeling really good about today and tomorrow and what's to come.

as far as winter goes: it's officially here. it's cold. snowy as fuck today. but i love it. i want to go for a million snowy walks in the middle of the night. i want to stay up nights wrapped in a million blankets drinking wine and playing scrabble. i wish we had a working fire place.

another thing that happens as the year comes to a close and the earth freezes over is that i start to get really sentimental about the year that has past.

it's been a pretty crazy year. i started to fall in love, my heart got sort of broken, i started a theatre company, so much good music, i've made good decisions about who to spend time with, good tattoos, good sex...etc.

and mostly importantly i have made and hung on to some really amazing friendships. i feel really blessed to have met the people i have met in the past year. i guess as we get older the need for pretense and bullshit just seems to lessen. so much of what i have experienced in the past year has been because of you. you know who you are! thanks!

xo michelle, trapped in a winter wonderland and loving every minute of it!

selfish emo princess

i am over-zealous and scared ALL the time
i want to go on adventures with strangers
i want my heart broken and fixed so many times i lose count
i want to paint my fingernails white and slide down banisters and drink boys under the table
i want my eyes and my heart to make me feel beautiful. my arm is to be the icing...
i want tape hiss and electronic drone to be required elements for living
i want to wake up smelling that smell
i want to never be afraid to say 'i love you' (even to friends)
i want to never be afraid and to always be afraid.

the tattoo saga pt. 11

so i got tattooed again today!
whoo hoo!

i don't have much to say about it. it hurt and i bled more today than last time.

i feel so happy. it's so gorgeous.
i'll let the photos speak for themselves...










so that's the tattoo as of november 21, 2005
again: art by johnny at urge2. photos mine!

xo michelle.

and one more thing...

you're insane if you don't read this blog:
american short-timer

my friend charles told about it. he's writing a play about the war. i'm not sure how i feel about that but whatever... this blog is pretty intense.

it'll be permanently linked over there on the right too so check it-no matter what your perspective on war is i think it's worth a look.

xo michelle.

some of my friends are doing some cool-ass shit.
i have updated the links so you should check them out!
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!
thanks!

at this EXACT moment i HATE that i am at work

transcipt of an unfair msn conversation with someone i've been 'intimate' with (and wouldn't mind being intimate with again):

me: i am soooooo bored.
him: me too. you at home?
me: nope. at work. i wish i was at home.
him: me too *wink*
me: now i REALLY wish i was at home.
him: me too. i have a lot of aggression to get rid of.
me: *sigh*

i hate my life sometimes. instead of getting laid i am blogging about how, at this exact second, i could be.

fuck!
xo m.

"fucked without a kiss again..."

a call out of nowhere invites me to the screening of the new green day dvd. i jump at the chance! sure, it would be good to see tanya again-it had been a long time but mostly...I FUCKING LOVE GREEN DAY!

even before nirvana.

since i was 11 or 12 years old i have been a green day fan. that's HALF MY LIFE! for half my life i have loved this band. unabashedly and without embarassment. i'll cop to listening to matthew dear and green day without a hint of embarassment or any fucking irony!

god, it makes me so joyful! the fact that i see kids half my age discovering a band that just might do for them what they did for me. sure, they're a gigantic band now compared to who they were when i found them but it's still the same. it's still just three guys speaking up for the kids to scared to speak for themselves. it's still strength behind the headphones when you're walking down the hall avoiding everyone.

that's where it take me back to: those days when i'd go to school so afraid to be myself. so hidden behind looking and talking like everyone else. shit, i learnt to accept and embrace the parts of me that weren't like everyone else BECAUSE of punk rock. i know it's cheesy and i never wore bondage pants or had a mohawk but i still got it. i still get it.

green day led me to operation ivy, led me to rancid...a whole new world. (this isn't even scratching the surface of what nirvana did but that's a whole other story!)

so now i am 24. i saw green day live for the first time this year (i was grounded the last time they were here in '98) and it all came rushing back...i was 11, 12, 13, 14, 15...singing along to all EVERY SINGLE SONG remembering how good it felt to have that to come home to when someone at school called me fat or a freak or whatever...when my friends had boyfriends and i didn't...whatever, it felt soooooooooooo great!

tonight was no exception. the show used in the dvd was part of the same tour i'd seen and so i closed my eyes and i was back at that show, back feeling like i was 11, 12, 13, 14, 15...

i still feel fantastic right now!

last saturday i was walking down whyte ave and some fucking hick in town for the rodeo walks past me, looks me up and down, turns to his buddy and says, 'god, there ARE a lot of freaks on whyte ave.' without the world green day opened up for me i'd never have been able to be proud of the fact that some fucking hick called me a freak!

the utility of beauty

i want the new gabriel garcia marquez novel
i want those three or four amazing vegan/vegetarian cookbooks i saw at the bookstore
i want to go to nin tonight.
i want an ibook
i want an electric piano with all 88 keys (my keyboard only has 66)
i want a guitar
i want millions of cds.
i want a whole new stereo system including a record player

i spend a lot of time wanting a lot of things but i don't (and won't) get a lot of these things because i'd rather get tattooed.

this surprised her, a friend of mine. she tells me her big purchases always have some kind of utalitarian purpose. i tell her it's naive to assume that my tattoo doesn't.

i tell her it makes me feel beautiful. she asks me if i think about that a lot.

do i think about feeling beautiful a lot? i don't, i suppose but i do when forced to, obviously.

i try to tell her it's different for her. perfect cheekbones, a tiny waist and a great ass-people think you're beautiful all the time. you tell me all the time about how beautiful people think you are. shit, i've heard you complain about how beautiful people think you are, or how annoyed you get when someone doesn't comment on how gorgeous you are or doesn't flirt with you. i am SURE the fact that he doesn't flirt with you is part of the reason why you don't like him.

i tried to explain to her that in my life i have felt beautiful twice. literally twice. twice before i got tattooed, that is. now i feel beautiful whenever i look at it. i feel beautiful when other people show it off. it's a part of me. it's like having perfect cheekbones.

so i'll probably get that marquez novel and a couple of cds. i am not going to nin tonight but i'll go to some cheaper shows and get fucking tattooed!

and that tattooing session will serve a necessary and utalitarian function-it'll do what i can't do on my own and that is fucking utility!

you could write smut, michelle

or so i'm told. too bad it's too arty for hustler.

anyways. you know what i just fucking LOVE. i love those evening where you plan to meet up with someone, have some tea, catch up but mostly talk business and then something goes awry and you ending drinking way to much and spending three hours in a classy joint talking about sex! that was my night last night.

nigel and i had planned to meet over tea at the sugarbowl and chat about our fringe show and how we were going to pay for it. nigel was coming directly from rehearsal so he brought mike with him. mike's a cool guy so we decided instead of tea to have a beer. one beer turned into 5 and we ended up (after being joined by a couple of other people) sitting there talking about sex for hours. positions, technique, fetishes, experience...the whole shebang! everyone was drunk and it was awesome. i even got a hickey out of the deal! whoo hoo!

i just love when things don't come together as planned and the new course is 100 times more fun.

oh, and we got our work done too! whoo hoo!

when i got home i said embarassing things on msn and left embarassing comments of people's blogs but that's whole other story...

xo michelle.

'punk' music videos suck!

ha ha! this post has nothing to do with that but seriously, why is it that in every video from some band that some record company has decided is 'punk' (ie: simple plan) are there all these punk kids used as the symbol for disaffected youth? like somehow eyeliner and suicide spikes are symbols of unhappiness. there must be more interesting ways to discuss teen angst than some cute little girl in combat boots sitting on an old couch in an alley looking sad and wearing a lot of eyeliner...god, isn't there?

anyways, the point of this post:

i am sick to death of the negative energy that people seem to relish in! ok, so i know i am not always the most positive person in the room but i attempt to not start every conversation with some generalized negative statement! it's too much for me to deal with at this point. i have been in a funk and i have been letting it get the better of me but i'm getting over it and i have NO patience for people who insist on bringing me down...

...and bringing other people down too!

oh, and please do not decide that you hate my friends based on the three times (and odd contexts) which you met them. if you gave people a chance to be awesome they'd probably prove themselves to be so...don't you think? i think!

let the chips fall where they may and if your saturday night doesn't evolve quite as you hoped it would take it in stride and maybe you'll have more fun than you expected, i know i did!

this is vague, i know. i don't feel like clarifying. there isn't a need for it.

the point is is that i had a great time on saturday night with two lovely people who are quickly becoming two of my favourite people and i refuse to let the negative attitudes of others ruin a good evening for me! you do your thing, and i'll do mine and it'll be good that way...right?

p.s. remember world, attractiveness is subjective and just because i think someone is cute doesn't mean you have to. nor does it mean that you have to tell me every six seconds how not cute that person is and then suggest that i'd rather hang out with them than you...cuz you know what, eventually i am going to want to hang out with them rather than you! cute or not!

the trouble with pseudonyms

...ever seen the movie 'closer'?

there is something to be said for the name 'alice'. i think we're all a bit fucked. or alice's are a bit fucked. perhaps it's the desire to live up to wonderland. i'm not sure.

anyways, i was thinking about that. since i decided there would be people who knew me as alice and places where i was only and always alice; most of the alice's in pop culture are pretty fucked. even my alice, from tom waits' 'alice' isn't all that...together...

the point is. we need that don't we. a side of ourselves that can be whatever it wants to be because on some level it doesn't exist. if you meet me and i tell you i am called alice then you'll meet alice. you'll meet all the parts of michelle that alice isn't afraid of. alice is the girl who likes one night stands with strangers and making a mess of her surroundings and telling people what she really thinks...

but what if i meet someone and i decide they need to meet alice and then i like them and i want them to meet michelle and they meet her and decide they don't like her?

i'm not being self-concious or crazy here. there is a part of me that alice controls. there is a world out there that none of you are part of, and alice occupies that world. we don't go there very much but when we do we're freer. we're less afraid that maybe people won't like us. we have less stomach aches prior to social interaction. why can't michelle just do that?

i want people to want michelle the way they want alice.

none

dear internet,

i have never been this lonely in my entire life.

love, michelle.

wow!

wow readers,

you've got a LOT of personal information over the past few days...

sorry about that.

i used to think i hated the movie 'almost famous'.

the other day i told this to a friend and he called me a curmudgeon...so, i frowned but vowed to watch it again to find that very scene to prove why it's a stupid movie. why cameron crowe is not the genius everyone thinks he and why i am NOT a curmudgeon!

so i watched 'almost famous' last night. i sat there for over two hours trying to find something bad about it. when russell shows up at william's house, thinking he is going to see penny lane, i realised i was crying. it's a fucking great movie and apparently when i watched it a few years ago i was a crack head, or a curmudgeon...

xo m.

p.s. there is a new band link on the side. check it, sluts!

just to clarify...

...that last post was SUPER long and sort of rambling so i want to summarize.

i NEED to summarize for myself. i have spent the last two or so days really trying to get things back on some sort of recognizable track and i need to have it concise. why you all need to have it concise sort of escapes me but that's where your free will comes in; ie: you don't have to read it.

so...

i was chatting my the lovely nigel this afternoon and he and i have fairly similar views on sex. sometimes it's just that: sex and nothing more. but then he said something to the effect of, 'shouldn't the people that we're with like us for the same reasons our friends like us? isn't that how we want to be liked? for our personalities?' and that perhaps in our attitudes towards to sex we undervalue it's potential as a tool to further a relationship rather than initiate it?

i guess in the end it boils down to whether or not i want someone's head between my thighs who knows me as alice or as michelle.

positive life choices

at 10:07 am jeff said:

"That's a bad idea. I bet if you fuck him, he'll come to your door and serenade you all "THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME" style.

Don't pretend you don't know what song that is."

i do know what that song is and jeff's right! i know jeff, you're always right, but this time i figured it out on my own first!

the past couple of weeks i've been in a funk. things were fine. there was nothing actually wrong with my life; i just sort of felt like...blah. everything was feeling sort of blah: theatre was blah, music and going to shows was blah, both 'scenes' were annoying the fuck out of me and even my friends who i LOVE were getting a little irritating.

therefore, funk! i was in a funk!

then last week i had drinks with someone whom i'd had previous 'intimate encounter' and we chatted and we're gonna do some work together and it's gonna be great. in the process of talking business we chatted about other stuff and i was reminded of how fucking attracted to this boy i am. anyways, that didn't help the funk.

so, being the internet savvy girl that i am i went out and found a boy. his name is unimportant but he likes nickleback and i was suppose to get together with him last night. i didn't. i told a lie and we probably won't speak again and that's fine. i don't need to be friends with him.

so why didn't i go over to a stranger's place for an evening of risky anonymous sex? certainly not because i have any sort of issue with anonymous sex. the boy i mentioned about, the previous intimate encounter, before we fucked he was pretty much anonymous...i don't have an issue with that but i don't think it's for me right now. i think i have come to some sort of peace with my desire to actually be with someone. or i have made peace with the fact that perhaps it might be nice to have sex with someone i already know and like...i dunno. something clicked in me sometime on sunday night and so i told the nickleback boy:

'so listen, good news and bad. remember how i told you i was going to that party last night. well, my ex was there and we ended up staying up all night chatting and decided to give it another shot.'

he doesn't know anything about me and i owe him nothing. this is easier than trying to explain why i went from basically having cybersex with the guy to telling him i wasn't interested. i know i could have done this too but he was a pretty aggressive guy and it's really flattering (for a not too confident gal like me) to have someone try really hard to convince you to have sex with them...

so ok. how did this happen. i'm not totally sure but i am pretty sure i know what pulled me outta my funk and i am sure that has something to do with it.

sunday night was this rollerdisco halloween party to put to black dot to death. i had told the promoter, a friend of mine, that i would help with whatever he needed and so my friend and i headed down there around 4 to help organize a kissing booth extravaganza. long story short i ended up having more fun at this show than i have had in a long time. because black dot was being put to rest the vibe was so positive! it was people who were there to thank the promoters for seven great years of shows or people for whom this was their first show or for people who just dig hallowe'en and six good bands! anyways, i had a TON of fun and the positive vibe totally rubbed off on me and all vestiges of the jaded snobby michelle just sort of disappeared. i wasn't too shy or awkward and met as many people as i could and just had a good fucking time. i have been in a good mood ever since.

i am not sure if this is connected to not wanting to fuck that guy or some other random stranger but i feel like they are. i feel good.

shit, i even saw christian last night and just had a great time catching up with him. i didn't make myself get all crazy and weird about him at all!

cool shit.
xo michelle.

i learned something new this morning...

...the way to a boy's cock is not by making fun of his musical tastes.

i 'met' this boy. a man actually, he's 32. and we sort of talked about getting together to fuck.

so i was talking with him on msn and we got into a discussion about music. bad move right? buddy has never heard of tom waits. red flag right? TOTALLY!

next big red flag:

michelle: what kind of music DO you listen to then?
boy: hard rock and country
michelle: hard rock?
boy: nick, staind, default, seether, etc...

YIKES!

ok. i am a huge SNOB! this admission made me not want to fuck him. that's terrible. i am a terrible person. A TERRIBLE human being. oh god.

but on the other hand, maybe it's a clue. maybe it's telling me that he lacks creativity or that he's unwilling to step out of the box that some tells him he's suppose to be in.

or, i am just terrible!

god, i need to work on this. and i think my first step will be fucking the nickleback fan.

xxx m.

resting on smoke alarms

random title? i don't think so...

alright, i don't often review cds or shows on this little bloggy thing here but i am feeling compelled to at THIS EXACT moment!

but get this...i am going to discuss a LIVE show and a cd at the SAME time...you guys are SOOOO effin' lucky..

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go!

METRIC
'live it out' (last gang records, 2005)
AND
METRIC live at starlite room, october 25, 2005

in the october 13th issue of vue weekly tyson kaban claims that:

"I knew Metric’s 2003 release, Old World Underground, Where Are You Know? had worn out its welcome when my sister started singing along with “Combat Baby” on my car stereo one day. And when a girl whose musical tastes are exclusively Reba starts mouthing along with Emily Haines’s political diatribes, it was clear the group had ventured into dangerous territory: the mainstream.

Thankfully, their latest album, Live It Out, is just inaccessible enough to keep them on the periphery, where indie music snobs can still safely claim to like them without the fear of their teenage siblings adopting them as their band du jour."

and while i'll be the first to admit that i am an indie snob this is NOT a reason to like an album. 'well, my little sister won't like this so it must be AWESOME!'

i tried really hard to like this album, really hard. i LOVE 'old world underground, where are you now?'. i still listen to it like mad. so in my attempt to fall equally in love with 'live it out' i realised something. 'live it out' is a lazy collection of b-sides to 'old world...'. it isn't a b-side collection but it sure sounds like it. it's a haphazard collection of the tricks that made 'old world...' so great. the sheen is there, the hooks are there, the politics are there but none of them are THERE.

am i sounding vague? what i mean is that while there is nothing expressly wrong with this album it expands and offers nothing in the way of new territory for the band. to me it's a collection of, 'well this worked in the past...' sound and the second time around it doesn't work nearly as well.

same thing with the live show.

last night's show was the first of THREE sold-out shows at edmonton's starlite room.

opening for metric was the most serene republic. they were LOVELY. lush, energetic, FAN-TASTIC! we missed the first band (the lovely feathers) and i decided, in between bands, that it's not all-ages shows that annoy me (i totally love them in fact) it's the girls at all ages shows involving popular bands. only at shows like metric will girls stand in the bathroom and worry about their hair. at a great all-ages punk show the girls will be in the pit right alongside the boys!

back to metric.

i saw metric the first time in 2002 or 2003 when they, and the unicorns, opened for hot hot heat. it was an awesome show. we danced, we sang along, we rocked the fuck out. last night's show was much like how i feel about their album: not terrible but nothing in comparison to their previous stuff. lacklustre is a pretty good word. choreographed is good too. essentially they were resting on their laurels knowing they had an eager crowd at their feet.

i agree with the uber-sexy emily haines when she says 'fight off the lethargy'...take your own advice em.

there were moments last night when i watched the smoke detectors to see if they flashed in time with the bass drum. they did about 42% of the time.

xx m.

girls are terrible people

so my little sister (rachel) has this friend called jessica*. she is a terrible fucking cunt of a girl.

upon first appearence she seems like a nice enough girl. it's an ACT!

on monday, wednesday and friday she picks my sister up for school and (without fail) wakes me up in the process talking at nightclub volume about how much money she has or how annoyed she is because she couldn't take the mercedes that morning...ASSHAT!

so yesterday morning she comes to fetch rachel and wakes me up in the process. in the car from my house to the university she proceeds to whine about how

'there's this boy! he's so cute and i really like him. he doesn't seem to like me. i am so depressed. i have never been in this situation. they always like me...i ALWAYS get to reject them!...'

at this point i'd be done. that would be all i could handle. i would tell her to stop whining and kick her in the teeth. but no, she doesn't stop there. she looks directly at my sister and says, with full conviction:

'rachel, how do you deal with boys not liking you? aren't you depressed all the time?'

if i hadn't kicked her in the teeth before that i certainly would have at that point. that little cuntface is NEVER coming back in my house. EVER!

girls are terrible!

xxx m.

* yep. jessica is her real name. i am calling the bitch out!

adult friends

friday night led me to two things:

1) i am NOT an adult (and that's awesome)
2) lavalife stinks!

1) so i go out to my friend kyla's house in the deep, deep south. we're talking end of calgary trail off ellerslie here...DEEP south! anyways, kyla is making chocolate truffles and so she invites me over...YUMMY! so i go over after dinner with my mom and not only is kyla there. also there are laura (who i'll get to later) and lindsay and jacquie. i have known all these girls, save for jacquie, since i moved to edmonton in 1988. that's a long-ass time! so we're chatting and we get on the subject of boyfriends and living and all those things girls talk about. both these girls: lindsay and jacquie own property (condos) cars and have serious, long term relationships. kyla owns a car and a boyfriend and is about to enter the market for some property.

talking to these girls and listening to them talk about furniture i start to wonder if perhaps somewhere i went wrong. if somewhere i made a wrong turn and forgot to do something. like maybe if after high school i'd made the decision to do my poli sci. degree and then go to law school i'd also own and condo and be the next-best-thing to married. maybe...

but then they start asking me about my life. about throwing money away on rent and getting tattooed and going to shows and random hook-ups (not as if there are a lot of them but there are a few...) and as they sat there with judgement in their eyes i realised, somewhere mid quarter life crisis that i am pretty fucking happy with the way things have turned out. the random hook-ups i've had haven't been that random and they've been great. i love where i live and i love my tattoos. i pretty much love what i have in my life...

sure, things aren't perfect. they never are. notice i didn't mention the boyfriend thing, nor am i going to...but i am generally pretty a-ok with the way things are going.

generally...

2) lavalife totally sucks (and this is where laura comes in). in discussion about boyfriends and the like we discovered that laura had been using lavalife to meet people. this is cool. whatever works. we live in the age of the internet...i don't judge. anyways, my adult friends go off on how if they were still 'single at 25' (gasp) that the internet might be a good place to look for love. SINGLE AT 25? what the fuck?

anyways, laura is really INSANE and literally the MOST judgemental person i have ever met (even more than me!) and apparently she's met like 4 or 5 pretty cool boys a la lavalife.

i got home around midnight and out of curiosity i decided to check out lavalife. now, in order to check it out you have to sign up. i was curious so i did...

LAVALIFE MAKES ME LOOK BORING!!

when you fill out your profile you have to fill out one of those interest surveys. a lot of people have a lot of interests on lavalife. i have three: reading, music, cultural events. that's dumb! i like more than three things and cultural events is very vague.

the thing is there are a million interest catagories but they are all related to sports or outdoor things. i am not much for sports. and not only are there tonnes of sports options there is survey where you get to choose whether you watch or participate...there are A LOT of cultural events that i both watch or participate...there aren't boxes for those choices.

so, lavalife makes me look boring and no e-boys are going to want to date me.

and also kids, there are no boxes where i can check 'impeccable taste in music is a MUST'

xxx m.

the tattoo saga pt.10

alrighty kids.

FINALLY got the outlining done on my sleeve last night. afterwards i felt like i'd been fucked so hard i couldn't remember my name. that definately isn't a bad thing.

i went in there at 4pm. johnny was ready for me about 4:30pm and at 5 we were onto the tattooing. it hurt, i'm not gonna lie. by the end it hurt A LOT! we did all the stuff that was on the stencil and then johnny needed to freehand draw a bunch of stuff. by the time we got to that part it was almost 8 and i was exhausted. the last line when on at around 8:10pm. INSANE! i was soooo tired.

so it looks fan-fucking-tastic! i am so happy and can't wait to see it all filled in with colour and the lines all perfect!

here are some photos for your enjoyment! please feel free to tell me how awesome it looks! :D










all the design and tattooing work was done by johnny at urge2 studios in edmonton, alberta.
photos are MINE! don't steal 'em!

xxx michelle.

the cure for a hangover...

so i had this whole huge post here and when i came back and re-read it made me sound sort of weird...

so i edited it but still felt compelled to tell y'all i edited it!

ha ha!

six years

dear readers,

there are some things that should be noted about my drinking habits.

a) they are fairly sporadic. i am not a drinker. it's just nothing something i have put my heart and soul into since high school.

b) i am a CHEAP drunk. 4 beers and i am embarassing.

c) i have not puked as a result of overconsumption since my 18th birthday. for those of you who are counting that's slightly more than 6 years and 5 weeks.

until last night.

it has now been eight hours since i puked from over consumption and in my cheap-ass case all it takes to make me puke is a pitcher...apparently that isn't a lot.

it had been a while since i'd seen charles so we decided to go for drinks last night. usually that means a couple of beers. when i arrived there was already a pitcher on the table. i miss charles and he's one of the few people i don't mind 'talking shop' with. so we drink and chat about our 'art' and be all pretentious. which is extra funny because we're at garneau pub so pretense is extra pretentious there...an hour or so into things and we're on our second pitcher when tara arrives. tara is awesome! her and charles used to work together at julio's so they talked about that for a while and to fend off my boredom i just drank and drank and drank. i was feeling ok.

we left at one and garneau is three straight blocks from my house. if you walk east three blocks and never turn you will find my house. it took me 25 minutes to walk home.

i came home, passed out and 3 hours later i woke up and puked for a long time. it was bad. i didn't cry like i usually do but i wanted to. i also wanted my mom.

i am not at work today! my body hates me this afternoon so i will do some work and some laundry and chillaxe.

or whine on the couch...whatever takes less effort.

m.

ouch...

i don't EVER want to go on an elliptical trainer EVER again.

my hamstrings hurt...A LOT.

stupid walking and standing and sitting!

keeping secrets

(from:postsecret)


there's something to be said for keeping some things to yourself.

ha!

just woke up...

having the desire to write is even odder than actually writing.

fitness brigade.

my life is sort of feeling reminiscent of one of my favourite simpson's moments EVER...

homer is humiliated once again because his lack of inshape-ness and decides that inorder to make bart proud of him he'll go running. as he's running he passes a sign that says

GYM

he reads...GIME (rhymes with time) and is confused.

homer: gime? what's a gime?

so he enters the building...

homer: oh, a gime

it's funny.

anyways, i went back to the gime yesterday. signed my life and fat cells away hoping for a whole 'new' michelle.

i hate the gym. i always have. i hate that the gym seems to be this place that is designed to make you BETTER. and yes, being healthy is better but that isn't the better i am referring to. i mean the better as in 'the more conventionally attractive (ie: thin) you are, the better you are as a person'.

now, i am sure that you're all jumping on the bandwagon to argue with me but hear me out for a second. when you sign up at club fit you're asked to fill out a little "circle all that apply" type survey about what you expect and would like to gain from excercise. there are things on that list that would defined as 'social benefits'...making new friends, looking better, etc. which aren't immediately bad. i mean, i wouldn't mind bonding with some equally awesome person at the gym but that isn't why i am there. the gym reeks of 'social benefit'. i felt like the girl signing me up was always three seconds away from asking me if there was a boy i couldn't wait to turn down once i was thin and hot...GAWD!

further proof of this 'more attractive' ethos the gym seems to have is not only the presence of a tanning salon but they give you coupons for tanning. wicked! now, i can go give myself cancer at a discounted rate in order to appeal to some ridiculous muscle bound, moronic investment banker...i can hardly wait!

ok. i'm being unfair...sort of. no, i'm not. here's the thing. i am starting this exercise thing as a way to be healthier, not be more attractive. i am being health shallow... i am not skinny. i am fully aware of the fact that i need to lose weight and guess what, excerise helps with that! but, i am also AWESOME! skinny or not! and if you don't like me know, if you don't think i am an awesome PERSON then fuck you and if i happen to lose 30lbs and you then decide i am awesome...FUCK YOU MORE! it's not about that.

i guess i just wish all that shit didn't matter. i mean, no matter what i look like, or have looked like (there have been a lot of weight/hair colour fluctuations over the years) i have always been pretty consistent in what i looked for in a person and as far as general attractiveness goes i am pretty proud to say that i am not all that shallow on the looks front. however, i am TOTALLY shallow in other ways; for example, i will NOT date a boy who is stupid or who has bad taste in music (and both intellegence and musical tastes are based on MY standards...). that makes it hard to date me because i'm smart and a music snob. generally, there are few people who are worth my time.

i know what you're thinking, 'but michelle, you're a crush slut! you always have a crush on like 11 people' and that's true but ask me how many of them i would actually want to spend a sunday afternoon with...ONE. ONE of like a 5 or 6. and even that's probably not going to happen.

tangent over.

i guess all this gym, excerise, 'new' michelle thing that i have been going on about has made me think of my body and of attractiveness and all that shit. my wish is certainly utopian. i wish that the gym was exclusively about health but the presence of small clothes and a tanning salon convinces me otherwise. i don't know...hot abs or not, i'd like to be loved and thought of as attractive for ME. for just me...god! utopia really is naive.

p.s. this post isn't a call for compliments. i am not looking for people to tell me i'm awesome. i know i'm awesome! i'm just thinking outloud and curious. please still comment and please still tell me i'm awesome but please be aware that that isn't what i am asking for! xo.

get on board!

alright boys,

i have rededicated myself to myself. i have made a choice to take good care of myself both emotionally and physically. this means that i am working out again. this means that soon enough i am going to be HOT! ripped, thin and hot!

get on board while you can boys. make me fall in love with you now so i don't leave you when i'm skinny and HOT.

oh and girls...i'd suggest you make me love you now too because once i am HOT i will abandon you for hotter friends...we need surround ourselves with our own y'know.

;)
m.

and finally...

...my 210th post! can you believe it!

RIDICULOUS!

instead of talking about myself i have decided to dedicate this post to the lovely jeff. he and his band (leaving juneau) have recently completed their debut record; and they aren't pussying out and just doing a little 4-song EP...on no, this is a FULL LENGTH!

so, i suggest you take 7.5 minutes out of your day, or better yet, while your spending your time looking at e-porn open up the link i am about to give you and rescore your porn with some lovely indierock.

JUST LISTEN TO THE SONGS! YOU'LL THANK ME!

so, click here for 'leaving juneau' mp3s!

the album, 'get out of the weather' comes out in november. i'd better see all your sparkling faces at the aa cd release!

what are you waiting for?

oh, and after you hear and love these songs there is a permanent link over there on the side.

xo michelle.

p.s. i updated all my links (finally) and they're ALL EDMONTON! ALL THE TIME! so check out those bands and those labels and those theatre companies...if your taste is as good as mine you'll be glad you did.

you're it!

i've been tagged by thomas and as a result i MUST obey.

a dream quiz:

1. if money were no object, what would you be doing with your life?

making sure no one wanted for anything. dancing under the stars on every continent. swimming with sharks in every ocean. falling in love and kissing boys all over the world.
oh, and i'd totally become the world's greatest groupie. i'd go on complete tours with my favourite bands.

2. money is just that-an object, so why aren't you doing it?

i am waiting on someone to buy me a plane. and i try to make people happy. i do what i can for those i care about when i can. i just hope i do it well.

3. what's better: horses or cows?

cows. i'm irrationally afraid of horses. cows are probably scarier but that's why it's sort of irrational.

4. what do you think the secret to happiness is?

good friends, good family, good wine and good music...and just doing what you love, regardless of the reward.

5. when was the last time that you had a dream that you either remember well or did not want to awake from? can you share a bit?

the other night i dreamt that i was packing toiletries for a camping trip. specifically, i remember walking into the bathroom and getting my toothbrush, toothpaste and some toilet paper. then i went into my room to get bandaids and polysporin for scraped knees.

the weird thing is when i woke up in the morning to put a bandage and some polysporin on my scraped knee they were not where i had left them the night before but where i had put them in my dream. true story.

6. when you were a little kid what did you want to be when you grew up?

over the course of my childhood i distinctly remember wanting to be three things:
a) a hologram (from jem and the holograms) b) a lawyer and c) courtney love.

7. complete this statement, 'love is...'

'...being the first to cum'

(from a book of surrealist love poetry by andre breton)

8. can you tell a good story? (write one)

it's friday night. my ironic haircut, hoodie and i all head out to see a show. i am doing well. saying hi to who i should be saying hi to, avoiding all the right people. we stake our place on the floor. close enough to the stage to enjoy but not too close (god forbid we look too keen just yet...). soon, i have to pee. waiting for my falafel earlier meant a lot of water consumed. so i begin the trek to the washroom. i swagger confidently in my appropriately clever shoes towards the bathroom. i know he'll see me as i pass. i decide i'll speak on my way back from the bathroom. four steps.
i make it up three. the fourth is trickier. i trip on the edge, i tumble but don't fall. it was close. i was *this* close to falling. i recover, pretend it didn't happen. i hear people laugh. i sluff off my confident swagger and all but run to the bathroom. i avoid eye contact on my way back. i look down the whole way back and even the skulls on my shoes are laughing at me.

so much for trying so hard to be cool.

9. can you remember your last daydream? what was it about?

yes, but i'd rather not say.

10. if you were to thank someone today, who would you thank?

i'd thank my mom for a nice evening and for teaching me so much about myself everytime i see her.

and i'd thank you for being a friend. all of you.

so now i have to tag people...
i tag: jeff, llewellyn and aaron
do it!

happy canadian tofurkey day!
michelle

spandex dance.

listening to the radio on sunday afternoon.

i hear a song by someone called cornelius. two weeks ago i would have shit myself over it. today it makes me want to firebomb the guy's laptop. i am SO done with electronic music right now.

all it makes me think of it middle-income-middle-aged women doing aerobics in shiny late 80s spandex clothes.

in fact, i am specifically reminded of my old house in ontario and the early years in edmonton. my mom used to do aerobics. she'd tape it off the television at like 5:30am and then do it later on in the day. that was in the days when she stayed home with us. she wore this blue and white striped spandex leotard/tights combo.

...maybe i don't want to firebomb cornelius' laptop afterall.

it's almost bed time...

have you noticed that the titles of these entries almost always begin with ellipses...hmmm.
i suppose it's just further proof of my abuse of them.

god, i'm tired. it's 11:41pm and i am tired. this week went slowly. it was boring. i mean, my evenings were filled well but my days were some of the most boring in recent memory. fall and winter are never good at work, people don't buy/get their cars detailed in the winter and if no one is detailing no one is calling me.

i met someone tonight. someone whom i'd never met but who reads this bloggy thing. that's odd, meeting someone whom i know nothing about but knows A LOT of emo-tastic details about me. anyways, hello 'carmen'? do you like 'carmen'...i was also thinking druscilla...i think i'll go with druscilla...just for the mystery.

so, welcome druscilla. it was nice to meet you. wasn't miss leslie fiest a treasure?

yeah, fiest was awesome! she sings like an angel and rocks the fuck out! she has a metal spirit and she can play that fucking guitar better than a lot of people. it was grande. it was also nice to spend an evening with thomas and louise, two lovely folks whom i see far too little of. we should have falafels and get stoned more often.

fuck this shit. i'm tired. it's 11:50 and i am going to bed. lame? maybe, but who gives a shit my body rarely wants to sleep so i am going to indulge it.

xxx.

this ain't no hipster shit...

so i am a little behind the times. i heard this record last year and finally got around to buying it today...anyways,

la maison de mon reves

CocoRosie.

touch and go.

2004.

C'EST PARFAIT!

it's like they were possessed by little circus demons who made them make all kinds of spectacularly spectacular noises that are entirely perfect and exist in perfect juxtaposition to their immaculate voices. it's just...immaculate.

i'm being redundant, i know, but i am so struck by how stunning this album is. i'm glad everything isn't this good, how would i ever be surprised for the first time every time...

get this fucking album!

after giving it some thought...

...i realised i am insane.

i didn't delete the last post just so i could have a secure and valid copy of my insanity but yeah...

a clearer outlook after a little bit of sleep.

jeez...

"the longest shadow ever cast..."

i feel like i have been lying to you a little bit.

things have been pretty much not good this past week and i feel like i am being dishonest with myself and by extention you, the collective you, the internet you.

i got some bad news and it's eating me up inside. a lot. my heart is broken again and this time it isn't broken by love but by fear.

someone close to me is having a hard time right now and there isn't anything i can do about it. i don't even really know how he's doing. for all i know...well...

anyways, i'm scared. so fucking petrified every second of the day.

in some ways i am SO mad at him for telling me. god, we're so far apart, what can i do. i can't call everyday. i can't call at all. things are so odd between us. i have no idea where we stand.
i can't say, 'please...i love you.' we aren't at that place and love doesn't mean what it used to for me with him. at some point it feels redundant to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. i just wish i could say, 'i love you' and have it mean nothing more than that. that i care about him and want him to be happy or at least setting himself on a path towards happiness.

i ran out to the car just now to get some music. death cab. it reminds me of someone. someone who i have planted a lot of this shit on recently. i appreciate it. i didn't say it. i feel sort of stupid saying it. but thank you. knowing that i can email you at 2am is comforting. seriously, thank you.

the sound quality on my computer leaves a lot to be desired but the effect is there. the lyrics are doing for me what they're meant to...

i'm fucking sick of crying. i just wish things always worked out. that i would have woken up this morning knowing that he was ok. that i will see him at christmas. that he'll hug me. that the possibility of getting lost for a few days together remains. that i'll cry when he heads back east. but now i'm just crying because east is another world away; a world i can't reach.

fuck...

"i wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time"