the trouble with pseudonyms

...ever seen the movie 'closer'?

there is something to be said for the name 'alice'. i think we're all a bit fucked. or alice's are a bit fucked. perhaps it's the desire to live up to wonderland. i'm not sure.

anyways, i was thinking about that. since i decided there would be people who knew me as alice and places where i was only and always alice; most of the alice's in pop culture are pretty fucked. even my alice, from tom waits' 'alice' isn't all that...together...

the point is. we need that don't we. a side of ourselves that can be whatever it wants to be because on some level it doesn't exist. if you meet me and i tell you i am called alice then you'll meet alice. you'll meet all the parts of michelle that alice isn't afraid of. alice is the girl who likes one night stands with strangers and making a mess of her surroundings and telling people what she really thinks...

but what if i meet someone and i decide they need to meet alice and then i like them and i want them to meet michelle and they meet her and decide they don't like her?

i'm not being self-concious or crazy here. there is a part of me that alice controls. there is a world out there that none of you are part of, and alice occupies that world. we don't go there very much but when we do we're freer. we're less afraid that maybe people won't like us. we have less stomach aches prior to social interaction. why can't michelle just do that?

i want people to want michelle the way they want alice.