the utility of beauty

i want the new gabriel garcia marquez novel
i want those three or four amazing vegan/vegetarian cookbooks i saw at the bookstore
i want to go to nin tonight.
i want an ibook
i want an electric piano with all 88 keys (my keyboard only has 66)
i want a guitar
i want millions of cds.
i want a whole new stereo system including a record player

i spend a lot of time wanting a lot of things but i don't (and won't) get a lot of these things because i'd rather get tattooed.

this surprised her, a friend of mine. she tells me her big purchases always have some kind of utalitarian purpose. i tell her it's naive to assume that my tattoo doesn't.

i tell her it makes me feel beautiful. she asks me if i think about that a lot.

do i think about feeling beautiful a lot? i don't, i suppose but i do when forced to, obviously.

i try to tell her it's different for her. perfect cheekbones, a tiny waist and a great ass-people think you're beautiful all the time. you tell me all the time about how beautiful people think you are. shit, i've heard you complain about how beautiful people think you are, or how annoyed you get when someone doesn't comment on how gorgeous you are or doesn't flirt with you. i am SURE the fact that he doesn't flirt with you is part of the reason why you don't like him.

i tried to explain to her that in my life i have felt beautiful twice. literally twice. twice before i got tattooed, that is. now i feel beautiful whenever i look at it. i feel beautiful when other people show it off. it's a part of me. it's like having perfect cheekbones.

so i'll probably get that marquez novel and a couple of cds. i am not going to nin tonight but i'll go to some cheaper shows and get fucking tattooed!

and that tattooing session will serve a necessary and utalitarian function-it'll do what i can't do on my own and that is fucking utility!