poop! bag?

poop is the bear.

my clown wonders if perhaps her name isn't bag. bag?! wtf?

anywayz.

so these past three weeks have been amazing. seriously amazing.

about two years ago i had a TERRIBLE performance experience where the worst of it wasn't even the broken foot. when it was all said and done i wasn't very interested in ever performing again. yes, i've done small things here and there but mostly i have shyed away from the stage. yesterday reminded me of why i loved performing in the first place.

it was so great to look out into the audience and connect with strangers and friends and understand that we were all there for the same reason. i know this sounds cheesy but whatever, fuck it, it's true. we were connected and that felt fucking amazing. seriously, i'm entertaining thoughts of theatre school again. acting school. seriously. fucked. up.

the other really awesome thing was that all the people who i wanted there were there (and a few extra's too) and the weird thing about that is that save for one exception those people were not the people who i would have wanted there a year ago. did that make sense?

i suppose i was just struck (again) by how much life has changed over the past year and how happy i am for the changes. i pretty much have the greatest friends ever in the world.

xo michelle.

p.s. i also have a new unattainable crush which is awesome!

step. touch. step. touch. fist. pump. step. touch. step. touch.

dance. dance. dance.

so i was in a particularly shitty mood this past wednesday.
there are friends who can attest to that too. some saw me cry on their doorstep and others were forced to promise me a hug at first sight.*

the point is i was feeling particularly shitty and i have awesome friends who listen (and let me cry and kiss me better) and who throw dance parties just when i need them.

i did not want to go out. i wanted to do the errands i had to do for the next day's press conference (seriously...) and then go home, get stoned, lie in bed, listen to the weakerthans and cry.** i wanted to lament the fact that i am incapable of doing everything at once and let me tell you something friends, i sure wish i was.

but i packed all my 'drug paraphenalia', and i had these goddamn tickets to goddamn mstrkrft so i HAD to go. if i'm nothing else i'm cheap and i like to say, 'yeah...i was there...' when people talk about awesome shows. ha ha.

so instead of crying i met tash and we went to mstrkrft. it was raining and i parked badly but once we got inside we ran into some lovely people, made condom balloons and lightened our spirits.

THEN i danced my fucking ass off. i was a ball of sweat and it felt so good to leave all the shit i was feeling all over the floor at the starlight room. i probably didn't look hot (i'm SURE i didn't look hot) but i did what i had to do.

i'm also really glad i got to go and see/hangout with people i really like. my patience for intolerable shitty people is lower than usual these days and it's nice not to have to fake anything or make small talk with some vapid bitch who i just happen to run into.

does that qualify as a concert review?
some notes on the show perhaps?

ok. the stupid slanty floor made my hips hurt. otherwise. 4 hours of super fun! nothing bad to say. well, i WOULD like to see THE juan mclean play a live set but other than that...awesome!

xo michelle.

*thanks boyz!
** EMO!

fear and self-loathing in edmonton

like the movie only this movie has nothing to do with drugs.

rock bottom though.

and hitting it. which i think i just did.

i was given an assignment for clowning: do contour and gesture drawings of all four sides of your face then strip naked and do the same for your entire body.

simple enough.

i did my face last week and it was fine. fun, actually; i found shadows i didn't know i had.

i did the naked part tonight. just now in fact. and i share this with you friends:

that was the single most humilating moment of my entire life and no one was around to point and laugh. i feel and look disgusting and i hate my body. i HATE it. i don't want it anymore. even my gorgeous tattooed arm looks shitty carpeted in a thick layer of fat.

i hate myself. i hate the way i look.

i'm not writing this because i want you all to feel sorry for me and leave me comments of support. i am writing this because i have to for myself.

things need to change. immediately. i never want to see my naked body ever again and i never want anyone to touch me ever again.

why on earth does my instructor think that's a good assignment?

clowns are suppose to think they are the centre of the universe and no one is more beautiful than them. i can't see how this is going to happen since i was forced to confront head on how completely disgusting i am.

i guess i'm posting this so you all can be privy to my humiliation or something...

economy...

first i want to make mention of my previous post. i was mad. really mad (obviously) and i want to apologize for the harshness of the post. i'm not taking it down because i meant it. i hate feeling taken advantage of and i hate feeling like someone is pretending around me for no reason at all.

my life and this person's life never intersect. we don't have mutual friends and our lives are completely different at this point. please don't think that it was directed at you (any of you...)-you're awesome. this girl is someone i rarely see anymore..

just don't waste my time.

so yeah, apologies for the harshness.

that being said...

i've been relatively incommunicado these past few days (week) as i am immersed in this clowning/mask/performance workshop. it's really amazing. i'm exhausted but i adore being in an environment where i am free to create all the time. all i have to do is work and honour my needs, whatever they may be. it's amazing to feel at peace and in contemplation with my own creative process and i'm seeing door being blown totally open.

does it make me want to get out there and be an actor again? not really, but it's definately giving me some awesome tools with which to talk to actors and ways to approach rehearsal.

i like it. i like being excited about theatre. it's good. i get soooo bogged down in all the bullshit and politics that i forget that i love it. i love plays and hanging out and working with people i really care about on projects we all really care about.

fuck, it's exciting!

plus, i get to paint and play with clay and get dirty and roll around on the floor. it's fucking kindergarten! ;)

xo michelle.

p.s. i hope you're all well. there's good things in the air for people i really really adore so hug them for me.

drunk rage.

gah, i'm fucking pissed off. and drunk. but mostly pissed fucking off.

i HATE feeling like i was used. like the time i spent on cultivating a frienship was wasted time. god, why even bother if months later you're not ever going to look twice at me and your hello's are done out of politeness and a sense of obligation.

fuck that shit.

seriously, it's hot, i'm tired and i have NO fucking patience for you or your bullshit.

i guess my hellos are cursory too but fuck, i respond to what i'm given and i thought we were friends...

a chance. a game?

hey friends.

so post secret seems to have opened up the well of secret telling and i dig it.

so in the spirit of that and in the spirit of copying everyone everywhere i propose a little game:

tell me a secret. keep it anonymous or don't. just don't be scared. i don't have any kind of ip tracker or anything so your secrets are safe.

enjoy what freedom this may offer...

xo michelle.

the perfect storm

just before the storm i was driving home feeling sentimental.

the clouds were rolling in, the sky was turning black and the smell. clean.

a calm before the storm.

on the stereo: tim hecker. somehow perfect. haunting. almost like there was thunder in the mix.
i sat at a street light and stuck my head out the window. it felt like a moment in a movie i'd really like.

it's raining now, pouring actually. washing off the heat of the week and only making me feel more sentimental. and better too.

the perfect storm.

the exboyfriend swagger

we all have it.

that moment when you see your ex across a crowded _____ (movie theatre, in my case) and you walk a little taller with a little more bounce. you weren't expecting to see them so you want to look the best you can right?

i saw my ex on friday. at the movie theatre. i was with my mom. i swaggered. seriously, i had to. it's not because i still have feelings for him or because i bear him any ill will or because i saw him and thought, 'well, this is what he gave up!'...

none of that shit. i just wanted to look positive.

he didn't see me. we didn't talk. that wasn't the point. the point was the swagger.

what am i talking about?

xo michelle.

WILCO

wilco w. elliot brood
june 29, 2006
jubilee auditorium

gah...i wish i had words to describe the awesome of both wilco and elliott brood.

i will say this, jeff tweedy is amazing. broken foot and all. he is a man who has obviously come to terms with who he is and all the shit that the band has faced and he no longer needs ANY bullshit frontman rockstar posturing.

the best thing was that despite the abundance of long 'jams' it NEVER felt masturbatory. (not like ...trail of dead)

seriously, i just fucking loved wilco.