oh shit: an amendment

things have been weird.

i want to be with someone i probably shouldn't want to be with.

fuck, ok. i'll be clearer. a while back i slept with this guy. we've remained friends (which is weird considering we weren't really friends before) and we hang out on occassion. that's cool right? it's nice that we're able to have a mature adult relationship.

here's the new truth: while having this nice mature adult relationship i realised, somewhere along the path, that i sort of wouldn't mind dating him. yikes, right? a bit. mostly yikesy because i am not sure where we stand...i know i could just chat with him about it and i know i probably should just chat with him about it but i'm scared of rejection. i was about to make up this big story about him relishing in his position of dominance over me (yummm) and whatnot but that's bullshit. i'm just scared. amidst all this fear though is this ridiculous crush. i want to date him. he makes me soooo angry and he makes me laugh and he makes me feel beautiful and desired and when i am within 10 ft. of him i am a mess, his presence in a room turns me on! to the point of becoming a fidgeting mess, actually!

and then there was this other boy who i thought i'd had a giant crush on for ages. i did have a crush on him for a while. more from a distance than anything else. there was this mystique about him. dark hair, dark eyes, constantly surrounded by people obviously wanting something. then we became friends and he's none of those thing. he isn't particularly mysterious and while great fun to flirt with there's no real spark. he's a wicked kid. i love him to death. as soon as we met i liked him. i like discovering crushes on new friends weren't really that substantial to begin with.

so then last night i went on a date with a nice boy called mike. we had a good time, good conversation, good beer (the fact that i am hungover now reinforces the fun...) but there's just something i can't get into about him. now, i am NOT shallow. i have ONE aesthetic requirement when it comes to attraction and the rest is based entirely on chemistry and personality. my one requirement is height. i need a boy who is AT LEAST as tall as me, if not a couple inches taller. that's it. that's all i ask and i don't think that's asking a lot, nor do i think it's shallow. so mike is 5'2'' and i just can't get past the fact that he's close to 5 inches shorter than me! i felt so awkward standing beside him waiting for the light to change last night as we said goodbye. i couldn't picture myself bending down to kiss him. i like to be at equal height with a boys lips or have to stretch up to meet them. girls, you know how awesome it is to have to perch on your tippy toes to kiss someone. i LOVE it!

so what do all these little blurbs have to do with my 'fuck fuck fuck fuck' cut and paste previous posting? well, it sort of all came to a head on tuesday. the boy i want got back from a trip and i realised i missed him. the date got planned on tuesday and talking to the other boy about all this really put that whole 'crush' thing in perspective...it was a rough day.

i hate knowing that i wouldn't mind a little companionship. i'm good being on my own and it takes a lot for me to reconcile the fact that maybe we all need/want someone to spend those quiet evenings at home with...

xo michelle.