"the longest shadow ever cast..."

i feel like i have been lying to you a little bit.

things have been pretty much not good this past week and i feel like i am being dishonest with myself and by extention you, the collective you, the internet you.

i got some bad news and it's eating me up inside. a lot. my heart is broken again and this time it isn't broken by love but by fear.

someone close to me is having a hard time right now and there isn't anything i can do about it. i don't even really know how he's doing. for all i know...well...

anyways, i'm scared. so fucking petrified every second of the day.

in some ways i am SO mad at him for telling me. god, we're so far apart, what can i do. i can't call everyday. i can't call at all. things are so odd between us. i have no idea where we stand.
i can't say, 'please...i love you.' we aren't at that place and love doesn't mean what it used to for me with him. at some point it feels redundant to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. i just wish i could say, 'i love you' and have it mean nothing more than that. that i care about him and want him to be happy or at least setting himself on a path towards happiness.

i ran out to the car just now to get some music. death cab. it reminds me of someone. someone who i have planted a lot of this shit on recently. i appreciate it. i didn't say it. i feel sort of stupid saying it. but thank you. knowing that i can email you at 2am is comforting. seriously, thank you.

the sound quality on my computer leaves a lot to be desired but the effect is there. the lyrics are doing for me what they're meant to...

i'm fucking sick of crying. i just wish things always worked out. that i would have woken up this morning knowing that he was ok. that i will see him at christmas. that he'll hug me. that the possibility of getting lost for a few days together remains. that i'll cry when he heads back east. but now i'm just crying because east is another world away; a world i can't reach.

fuck...

"i wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time"