2:46am

i'm awake.

and i'm sort of annoyed by the fact that i am awake and have no partner in insomnia. i wish i knew someone who didn't sleep the way i don't sleep. periods of insomnia. weeks here and there...that way we could call each other at 2:46am and meet for tea and the kind of chats that can only happen at 2:47am when you're both longing for a good night's rest but know it will never come.

i know 2:47am isn't all that late but it's tuesday and i have to work tomorrow morning and my arm hurts and i know that 2:48am whining is indicative of both 3:48am and 4:48am whining. i am sort of hoping that my blog will bore me to death (as i am sure it does you).

insomnia aside.

i'm feeling ballsy these days. something i thought would end with secret deliveries and angry emails has got me itching for direct confrontation. who the fuck am i to back down.

and i read something the other day. a link to a recent article in our very own vue weekly...
emma sasse had the following to say:

"If, as everyone from spiritual leaders to social activists tell me, nothing is real but connection and relationships, then fake worlds atomize us, render us less than animal in our base, self-interested calculations, and, above all, absolve us of being accountable to one another."
(read the whole piece here)

and i am accountable. i can't simply absolve myself from something that i got involved in. sure, all the circumstances were not made available to me (hell, none of them were) but here we are. i've made my cliched and proverbial bed and if i can fuck in it i'd sure as hell better be able to lie in it. on all counts.

and then there was this crush i had. i thought about saying to this crush, 'hey, you seem cool. we should have a drink sometime' but i've since changed my mind. or i think i've changed my mind. i can't be certain.

i do know that i have been doing the theatre thing again lately. partly out of obligation and a need to remind people that i exist before i have to start promoting the shit out of the three (THREE) shows i have coming up; and partly out of a real desire to immerse myself back into it. i have three shows coming up and as much as i wish they were plays aren't rock shows and i am not a promoter. i have to get my head back in the game so i don't fuck it up right before half-time...or something. sports metaphors were never my thing.

i'm rambling.

it's now 3:00am. sorry, 3:01am. mountain standard time. i am resisting the urge to get so stoned that i pass out. i never sleep well that way and wake up feeling worse the next morning.

my arm is looking fantastic. itchy and sort of tight sunburnt feeling but beautiful. it almost makes me feel beautiful.

oh, and i made one of those dolls. it made me mad because they didn't have options for curly hair, facial piercings or gunts. nor did they have the standard michelle fashion of jeans, hoodie, long-sleeve...if they had a fat doll and a bright eyes hoodie i'd have been set.

everyone knows what a gunt is, right?
ha ha.

i think i will end this magnificant case of the rambles with that thought...

night night!
morning morning!

xo michelle.