i'm an insane person.

helen, i apologize. we just met and here i am being insane all over your lovely blog...

anonymous:

i LOVE the idea of never being in love again...

anonymous:
(a mere minute later)

i prefer to sleep with men in relationships because they don't expect me to care.
(or something more/less eloquent to that effect).

michelle.

i'm scared.

that one is probably the truest.

the thing is i wasn't expecting all of this. the return of the wonder kid has reminded me that i am not 'over' him. truthfully, i'm not sure i even believe in 'over'.

all i want to do is run. the last time i got on a plane and now i want to do the same thing. maybe i should confront the situation head-on, say something like:

michelle.

boy, i love you. it sucks and it means i can't have you in my life.

maybe i just can't have him in my life.
that sucks though. for almost 2 years he was the most important person in my life. my BEST fucking friend. i see him and my heart skips and breaks and now i feel like i'm being cold and a little bit mean. he came to my play and i blew him off for someone more present. more immediately non-threatening. the less the risk of another broken heart the better.

i said 'i LOVE the idea of never being in love again...'-god, obviously i don't want that. but i don't want this either. in love with someone so completely intangible.

and yes, i'd like to care about the people i've fucked. the care to not care ratio isn't good. it's 1 for...well, one. i mean, i care about them and they are safe and happy and loved but they won't be loved by me. i don't want to love them, that's the point.

where am i even going with this. who cares. i'm too stoned to care. sorry i'm such a whiney emo bitch...
i wonder if i should link his myspace page on here somewhere so y'all can scope him out? i don't think so...