an update.

i finally finally finally updated i masturbate and you should too with a DIRTY (?) little story about fucking my tattoo artist. if you're not into hearing my fantasies about this man don't read it. if you don't want to hear about bums and vags and fingers and cocks and facials and me, don't read it; but if you do well then...read on.



xo michelle.

so yeah...

so i promised some extensive blogging (like anyone cared) and i have decided i will not deliver on that promise.

i will leave concert reviews to those better equipped and more knowledgeable. i will say that both greg macpherson and final fantasy were amazing and i am pretty excited to sit down with the faunts new album and a joint. should be a pleasant time.

i will say re: the faunts, however, that their cd release party was too much for me to take on friday night. i was not in the mood for ambient waves and feeling the bass vibrations in my piercings and organs. we left a bit before their set was done but i'd wager that the faunts are probably one of the best bands in the city.

saturday night was eli's going away party. mostly it was ridiculous and therefore a fantastic send-off. i rekindled a long lost love of gin and speaker dancing and painted my friends (and probably some strangers) with fuck-me-red lipstick kisses.

let me just say publically that i am going to miss eli. he's been a good friend to me in the short year or so we've known each other and i wish him and the super adorable leah nothing but the best of luck in the big bad city. i know the future holds nothing but bright things (and visits from me-the brightest thing of all...ha ha) for them both. edmonton and i will miss you eli.

the end.
michelle.

heads up.

i am going to post a lot of blogs today.

there will be concert reviews and a discussion of the weekend. perhaps an up-to-the-minute discussion? it was a pretty fun weekend...

i'll probably edit this and post some links.
there will also be pictures at some point too...

xo michelle.

p.s. d-are you still around? still reading?

when the trickster starts a-pokin'

further to the last post:

lunch was GREAT.
like old times.

i just watched "everything is illuminated" again and i continue to be struck by something in the movie: 'your past is always beside you. and inside you. it's on the inside looking out.'

i paraphrase but you get the idea.

my past. the part of me that will always love him looked out through new eyes and saw only the old friend. she saw the love too but she knew that was past.

god. holy emo. holy crappy poetic crap.

you get the idea. past is past. present is rad.

i'm really happy with my life right now. not that there is anything earth shatteringly amazing or anything. i am not in love, a friend will soon move away, my job is what it is, the theatre thing is on vacation right now; but things are really fucking good.

i think i'm just...appreciating?
maybe 25 IS rad.

love love
michelle.

more or less of a good thing.

well, i'm officially 25 and have been for a little bit more than 24 hours. i'm doing ok. feeling the tug of sentimentality and wishing i had one of those special people to spend my day with but hey, i had my family and nick and for that i'm pretty fucking grateful.

today is going to be hard. or strange. or both, more probably.

i'm having lunch with that person who occupied so many whiney emo posts and i'm sitting here flashing back to two years ago when we would often sit across a table from one another and talk and sit in silence and it was...wonderful.

things have changed. my heart broke. i broke my heart and we haven't seen each other for a long time. too long probably. and i'm sure it's going to be fine, probably great but at the same time i'm preparing for the sting of seeing him again and of him telling me how much he's in love with her and how it's so wonderful being back here living with her...gah.

you know, it's funny, i think people think that i like being into people in relationships but that's UNTRUE...truthfully, i have never been interested in anything (besides sex, but that's a different story for a different blog) with someone in a relationship. i'm sure there are girls out there who think i've wanted to steal their boyfriends away or whatever but that really isn't the case. i don't like it. for as much of a masochist as i may be (and even that's debatable) i don't actually enjoy being infatuated with someone so totally unreachable. crushes on strangers and passing interest aside, of course...

but this guy was different, i loved him more than i cared that he loved someone else and that it hurt so much.

so here i am 35 minutes before our pre-arranged meeting time and i'm equal parts excited and ready for the worst hour or so of my life... we were close close friends and i'm excited to see an old friend but at the same time i loved him so much that it ruined me and eviscerated my delicate little heart.

so we'll see...

xo michelle.

ambition.

so the inimatable eli got me thinking about ambition and how we end up where we are.

before i continue go read eli's blog. CLICK THE LINK!

i'm generally neurotic when it comes to commenting on people's blogs and only do it when i feel COMPELLED to. this morning i was compelled...

so this is what i had to say:

"I think I'm just stoked on music. Can it be that easy?"

why not? we should all be so lucky to get to work surrounded in something we love.

i think it's funny that the word 'ambitious' is often seen as a prejorative. ambition keeps us moving, breathing, dreaming and working towards what we know in our hearts we NEED to live.

what would our lives be like without ambition?

August 31, 2006 10:25 AM

eli replied:

I don't think I'm denying the NEED for ambition, but rather questioning its role in my life; whether or not it really WAS ambition that drove me, or just the stoked-ness about music.

August 31, 2006 10:41 AM

here's what i think: i think that at some point ambition is what takes a hobby/stoked-ness out of the basement, out of the realm of hobby, and takes it to the point were it becomes something that you WANT to do for life. i mean, i could definately direct plays from time to time while doing whatever else...keep it as just a 'hobby' or whatever. eli, couldn't you have gone to law school straight out of your undergrad, and just been stoked on music and done shows with black dot from time to time? anything is possible and at some point ambition swings in, mixes with love and hobbies and pushes it out of the possible into the actual.

or at least that's what i think.

i was once told that my drive was intimidating. part of me laughed at this and part of me really made me wonder...can my ambition ever become a problem?

i AM ambitious when it comes to my 'career' or what i want as a career... i can't imagine myself doing anything else and directing/producing is NOT something that happens without me making it happen.

god, i've been writing this blog over so many days i have totally lost my train of thought.

i guess the point of of everything is that for me, in my mind, ambition is what turns our passions into our lives. i'm pretty sure ambition and passion/hobby can exist side-by-side and even intersect from time to time making life quite fun.

if i ever stop hating theatre i'll go to law school and my ambition will die with my passion...(or something)

xo m.