post-coital bliss.

the fringe has wrapped.

like a nice little present. everything is gone. the set is in the garbage. front of house totals have been totalled and the whole money thing has been figured.


how do i feel about it all?

well, we made a little bit of money.
i'm happy with how the show turned out.
we experience one hell of a terrible review...or nick did, at least.
and most of us got our first taste of the fringe.

the fringe...a weird weird beast. hanging around the fesitival and seeing shows and experiencing the way the artists treat each other was intense. it's hardly the fringes of the theatre scene. if it were we'd all be far more supportive of each other and the the spirit of competition would be far less obvious. it's not that people don't support each other cuz they do but it's in a weird way...

example:

me: hey, how's it going?
them: good. i'm coming to your show tomorrow.
me: awesome! thanks!
them: if you're coming to mine you should be there early, we're selling out every night!


don't mistake me though, that certainly isn't everyone and people that are actual friends were NEVER like that and totally grateful to you for coming to their show. it was just this feeling that permeated the festival. the beer gardens were full of not-so-yet-trying-to-be subtle bragging.

also, handbilling sucks.

postering was ok when i had someone to do it with.

overall the fringe isn't FUN. it's fun for audiences but not for artists. i think for most people it's a grueling 10days of worry. i think all of us could pin-point the exact second when we got sick of the fringe.

on the other hand, FRINGE IS FUCKING RAD! i'm so thrilled to have 'won' the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing festival and to see some really amazing theatre ('the centering'...hello!). we made a little bit of cash and we all got a lot of positive feedback from people who saw the show.

did a million people see the show? no. did we make mad cash? nope. do i care? nope. truthfully, and this is probably going to sound like some seriously arty bullshit, but if the (300 odd) people who came and saw the show had a positive interaction with it then seriously, i'm thrilled. money is nice but it's the not the be all and end all and it certainly wasn't my goal.

i'm definately starting to feel the post-show blues. GayFace has been with me, in some capacity, for the past what? 14 months. that's year plus of my life! and i have (mostly) LOVED every single second of it. i am so grateful to nick for asking me to work with him on it. GayFace was his baby and i feel such a joy to have ever been part of it.

it's hard to think of what's next. next is daunting. i know what it is but to start it means another LONG commitment to a show and to fundraising and publicity and to trying to put together a group of people VERY unused to working together. but, i want this so it's going to happen.

thank you to everyone who supported this endeavor of ours. i don't have the words to express my gratitude to all of you.

xo michelle.

so...hmmm...

i know i haven't posted for a while.
it's not that stuff hasn't been going on...cuz it has been. it's just that there's things that i can't talk about...

i like blogging-still-and i like the idea of this thing as a 'diary' of sorts. i'm not a big journal person and the occasional comment is nice because that way i know there are people out there who understand what i'm saying or going through or worrying about or whatever...solidarity, y'know?

but the point is there are things i want to talk about publically (ie: not on private on myspace) but can't because some of the shit on my mind right now has to do with people who read this blog...

anyways, i'm full of questions about friendship and sex and relationships and so many other things. none of it 'depressing' but all of it really important. i need to figure some stuff out-this summer has changed things and me and yeah...it's rad, mostly, because so many things are WAY clearer...and yet so much more unclear.

bonjour, je m'appelle princess vague.

i'm just so in love with so many things right now and with a sense of clarity. i'm also sorta in love with this crazy confusion as well.

go me!

xo xo michelle.

p.s. TIGA is making me SO happy right now.

FRINGE 2006!

the 25th annual edmonton internation fringe festival and mischief and mayhem theatre proudly present:

GayFace
written by nick green
directed by michelle kennedy
starring nick green and landon miller
stage managed by anna wood
designed by daniela masellis
publicity by adam rozenhart
poster designed by raymond biesinger

venue: stage #4: homes by avi. cosmopolitan music society (8426-103st)

dates/times:
midnight thursday august 17
noon saturday august 19
6:45pm sunday august 20
6:45pm tuesday august 22
11:15pm thursday august 24
4:00pm sunday august 27.

all tickets $10.

tickets go on sale 15 min after the show prior begins. get there early. ABSOLUTLEY NO LATECOMERS ADMITTED none. seriously.

GayFace ran at nextfest in june to rave reviews and we're really excited to open it up to new and bigger audiences.

come out and support local independent theatre. i'll give you a hug! any more questions please do not hestitate to drop me a line here, at mischief and mayhem theatre, by telephone (780-717-8311) or via email (michellenancy@gmail.com).

love, love, love. michelle.
p.s. how fucking sexy is that poster?!

can't sleep?

me either.

here's why

things have been kinda all over the place of late. things with friends and lovers (or not, actually), enemies and all the thoughts that go along.

i've just been wondering. a lot. being back at work this past week has given me the time to contemplate. what i've been contemplating remains secret. there are changes on the horizon in everything from business to friendships to how i'm percieved...the whole nine yards.

or ten yards.

or whatever...

the point is i have been having a LOT of trouble sleeping lately and i sort of wish i were high right now. i'm not. although this post might make you believe otherwise.

the people who live above me have small kids and are also probably very fat. i hear intermittent soft light quick footsteps and heavy slow footsteps.

there is an odd mix of folks in my building and i know none of them. i make all my judgements based on the old people i've seen, that one weird/creepy dude and the vespa parked near me.

anyone want to go for breakfast one of these days. i'm close to both b's and route 99 diner. seriously.

anyways, i should put this rambling to an end.
someday i should post a blog that is entirely stream of conciousness. ha ha.

xo m.

haven't i passed the quarter mark in my life already?

seriously. i'm not going to live to be 100 so in theory 25 shouldn't be my quarter life crisis. i figure i'll live to be 80-ish so i should've had my quarter life crisis somewhere between the ages of 20 and 22.

yay!

ok so i'm not having a quarter life crisis but i am thinking a lot lately. about a lot of stuff. and not just little stuff but the BIGGIES...

1. the FUTURE.

what a fucking scary word. future. it's weighed down by so much: all of our individual experiences and hopes, other people's hopes for us, access to the infrastructure required to achieve our 'potential', who we surround ourselves with, etc. the variables are endless and truthfully i just want to narrow them all down to 'stuff' and just let that be the end of it.

so MY future is looking...cloudy. but cloudy in a way i can deal with. there are a lot of things on the horizon and a lot of choices that will soon have to be made. school? and if so, where and what will i study...where will i live? with whom shall i live? will i stay in edmonton? so much to think about.

2. POLITICS

for a long time i was pretty convinced of where i saw myself on the whole political spectrum but the more i talk the more i realise that things are not as clear cut as i'd once imagined. it's not as if i am going to jump on the neo-conservative bandwagon, marry a u.s. military officer and vote bush as soon as i'm a citizen; hell, i'm still not even going to vote liberal but i just need to figure out where i stand, or if i am ok standing on shakey ground and just not knowing sometimes. the most radical answer can't always be the right one for me...right?

3. SEX

aside from the fact that i think about sex pretty much all the time i've recently been forced (forced?) to think about sexual relationships and how they exist outside the actual act of sex. the lovely landon said to me last night, 'y'know michelle. i don't think it's possible to never get attached to the people you've had sex with-even when you think you aren't' and in a lot of ways i agree. if nothing else they cross your mind from time to time-perhaps even in connection with other partners. i look back on all the people that i have had sex with (which isn't that many) and i realise that some part of me was attached to all of them. even the most anonymous of the bunch means something to me-i can't help but think of him in connection with george w. bush...tee hee. yeah, so connection. i dunno. it's a weird thing to give your body to someone and ask for nothing in return. i suppose they do the same thing so that's what you get in return. no expectation is the gift. or something...i dunno. i guess i've never had truly anonymous sex so who knows...

4. RELIGION

the other night at about 2:00am i was sitting wide awake watching northern exposure* and there was this scene when joel had to say a Kaddish for his uncle and he needed nine other jews in order to do it. 10 jews were brought in from all over alaska but joel said no because he didn't know them and his uncle's death meant nothing to them. so anyways, he said the Kaddish with the members of his community, none of them jewish but all of them important to him. i wept.

so this little moment from television circa 1993 and now in my DVD player has got me thinking about God and god and religion and spirituality and what my relationship to the whole thing is. i was baptized catholic and grew up going to church and getting communion and all that jazz until high school. i some point i stopped believing. i'm not sure if i ever stopped believing in God, because i'm not sure if i ever believed in God. especially not the God that they taught us about in church and in school.

so i went on happily agnostic for the last what...7 years until the other night when i find myself weeping at a 'fake' display of faith and community and i starting wondering what i believed. it knocked me hard on my ass and i have absolutely no answers. i answer something for myself and in its place pops up 7 more.

i know this. the whole 'accepting jesus as my personal lord and saviour thing' does NOTHING for me. i think jesus is a nice story but that's about it. a parable at best...

i think i'm going to do some investigating about religion. see if anything catched my fancy.
here's something funny: when i was 10 (or thereabouts) i puked all over the back of a pew during mass.

gah...

i just don't know. i guess this is the stuff you're suppose to think about.

discuss friends. discuss.

xo michelle.

*northern exposure is pretty much the greatest show ever made thus i continue my love affair with all things early/mid nineties. ;)

to the tune of 'silent night'

silent night
broken night
all is fallen when you take your flight
i found some hate for you
just for show
you found some love for me
thinking i'd go
don't keep me from crying to sleep
sleep in heavenly peace

silent night
moonlit night
nothing has changed nothing is right
i should be stronger than weeping alone
you should be weaker than sending me home
i can't stop fighting to sleep
sleep in heavenly peace.

holy. fuck.

at the end of damien rice's eskimo is this.
acapella. a woman who's name i'd tell you if i had the album here.
it breaks my heart in all the right ways and in all the right places.

find it. listen to it.
let it kill you.

xo michelle.

a new home.

it's not victoria but i like it.

come visit me. i like buzzing people in.

m

poop! bag?

poop is the bear.

my clown wonders if perhaps her name isn't bag. bag?! wtf?

anywayz.

so these past three weeks have been amazing. seriously amazing.

about two years ago i had a TERRIBLE performance experience where the worst of it wasn't even the broken foot. when it was all said and done i wasn't very interested in ever performing again. yes, i've done small things here and there but mostly i have shyed away from the stage. yesterday reminded me of why i loved performing in the first place.

it was so great to look out into the audience and connect with strangers and friends and understand that we were all there for the same reason. i know this sounds cheesy but whatever, fuck it, it's true. we were connected and that felt fucking amazing. seriously, i'm entertaining thoughts of theatre school again. acting school. seriously. fucked. up.

the other really awesome thing was that all the people who i wanted there were there (and a few extra's too) and the weird thing about that is that save for one exception those people were not the people who i would have wanted there a year ago. did that make sense?

i suppose i was just struck (again) by how much life has changed over the past year and how happy i am for the changes. i pretty much have the greatest friends ever in the world.

xo michelle.

p.s. i also have a new unattainable crush which is awesome!

step. touch. step. touch. fist. pump. step. touch. step. touch.

dance. dance. dance.

so i was in a particularly shitty mood this past wednesday.
there are friends who can attest to that too. some saw me cry on their doorstep and others were forced to promise me a hug at first sight.*

the point is i was feeling particularly shitty and i have awesome friends who listen (and let me cry and kiss me better) and who throw dance parties just when i need them.

i did not want to go out. i wanted to do the errands i had to do for the next day's press conference (seriously...) and then go home, get stoned, lie in bed, listen to the weakerthans and cry.** i wanted to lament the fact that i am incapable of doing everything at once and let me tell you something friends, i sure wish i was.

but i packed all my 'drug paraphenalia', and i had these goddamn tickets to goddamn mstrkrft so i HAD to go. if i'm nothing else i'm cheap and i like to say, 'yeah...i was there...' when people talk about awesome shows. ha ha.

so instead of crying i met tash and we went to mstrkrft. it was raining and i parked badly but once we got inside we ran into some lovely people, made condom balloons and lightened our spirits.

THEN i danced my fucking ass off. i was a ball of sweat and it felt so good to leave all the shit i was feeling all over the floor at the starlight room. i probably didn't look hot (i'm SURE i didn't look hot) but i did what i had to do.

i'm also really glad i got to go and see/hangout with people i really like. my patience for intolerable shitty people is lower than usual these days and it's nice not to have to fake anything or make small talk with some vapid bitch who i just happen to run into.

does that qualify as a concert review?
some notes on the show perhaps?

ok. the stupid slanty floor made my hips hurt. otherwise. 4 hours of super fun! nothing bad to say. well, i WOULD like to see THE juan mclean play a live set but other than that...awesome!

xo michelle.

*thanks boyz!
** EMO!

fear and self-loathing in edmonton

like the movie only this movie has nothing to do with drugs.

rock bottom though.

and hitting it. which i think i just did.

i was given an assignment for clowning: do contour and gesture drawings of all four sides of your face then strip naked and do the same for your entire body.

simple enough.

i did my face last week and it was fine. fun, actually; i found shadows i didn't know i had.

i did the naked part tonight. just now in fact. and i share this with you friends:

that was the single most humilating moment of my entire life and no one was around to point and laugh. i feel and look disgusting and i hate my body. i HATE it. i don't want it anymore. even my gorgeous tattooed arm looks shitty carpeted in a thick layer of fat.

i hate myself. i hate the way i look.

i'm not writing this because i want you all to feel sorry for me and leave me comments of support. i am writing this because i have to for myself.

things need to change. immediately. i never want to see my naked body ever again and i never want anyone to touch me ever again.

why on earth does my instructor think that's a good assignment?

clowns are suppose to think they are the centre of the universe and no one is more beautiful than them. i can't see how this is going to happen since i was forced to confront head on how completely disgusting i am.

i guess i'm posting this so you all can be privy to my humiliation or something...

economy...

first i want to make mention of my previous post. i was mad. really mad (obviously) and i want to apologize for the harshness of the post. i'm not taking it down because i meant it. i hate feeling taken advantage of and i hate feeling like someone is pretending around me for no reason at all.

my life and this person's life never intersect. we don't have mutual friends and our lives are completely different at this point. please don't think that it was directed at you (any of you...)-you're awesome. this girl is someone i rarely see anymore..

just don't waste my time.

so yeah, apologies for the harshness.

that being said...

i've been relatively incommunicado these past few days (week) as i am immersed in this clowning/mask/performance workshop. it's really amazing. i'm exhausted but i adore being in an environment where i am free to create all the time. all i have to do is work and honour my needs, whatever they may be. it's amazing to feel at peace and in contemplation with my own creative process and i'm seeing door being blown totally open.

does it make me want to get out there and be an actor again? not really, but it's definately giving me some awesome tools with which to talk to actors and ways to approach rehearsal.

i like it. i like being excited about theatre. it's good. i get soooo bogged down in all the bullshit and politics that i forget that i love it. i love plays and hanging out and working with people i really care about on projects we all really care about.

fuck, it's exciting!

plus, i get to paint and play with clay and get dirty and roll around on the floor. it's fucking kindergarten! ;)

xo michelle.

p.s. i hope you're all well. there's good things in the air for people i really really adore so hug them for me.

drunk rage.

gah, i'm fucking pissed off. and drunk. but mostly pissed fucking off.

i HATE feeling like i was used. like the time i spent on cultivating a frienship was wasted time. god, why even bother if months later you're not ever going to look twice at me and your hello's are done out of politeness and a sense of obligation.

fuck that shit.

seriously, it's hot, i'm tired and i have NO fucking patience for you or your bullshit.

i guess my hellos are cursory too but fuck, i respond to what i'm given and i thought we were friends...

a chance. a game?

hey friends.

so post secret seems to have opened up the well of secret telling and i dig it.

so in the spirit of that and in the spirit of copying everyone everywhere i propose a little game:

tell me a secret. keep it anonymous or don't. just don't be scared. i don't have any kind of ip tracker or anything so your secrets are safe.

enjoy what freedom this may offer...

xo michelle.

the perfect storm

just before the storm i was driving home feeling sentimental.

the clouds were rolling in, the sky was turning black and the smell. clean.

a calm before the storm.

on the stereo: tim hecker. somehow perfect. haunting. almost like there was thunder in the mix.
i sat at a street light and stuck my head out the window. it felt like a moment in a movie i'd really like.

it's raining now, pouring actually. washing off the heat of the week and only making me feel more sentimental. and better too.

the perfect storm.

the exboyfriend swagger

we all have it.

that moment when you see your ex across a crowded _____ (movie theatre, in my case) and you walk a little taller with a little more bounce. you weren't expecting to see them so you want to look the best you can right?

i saw my ex on friday. at the movie theatre. i was with my mom. i swaggered. seriously, i had to. it's not because i still have feelings for him or because i bear him any ill will or because i saw him and thought, 'well, this is what he gave up!'...

none of that shit. i just wanted to look positive.

he didn't see me. we didn't talk. that wasn't the point. the point was the swagger.

what am i talking about?

xo michelle.

WILCO

wilco w. elliot brood
june 29, 2006
jubilee auditorium

gah...i wish i had words to describe the awesome of both wilco and elliott brood.

i will say this, jeff tweedy is amazing. broken foot and all. he is a man who has obviously come to terms with who he is and all the shit that the band has faced and he no longer needs ANY bullshit frontman rockstar posturing.

the best thing was that despite the abundance of long 'jams' it NEVER felt masturbatory. (not like ...trail of dead)

seriously, i just fucking loved wilco.

most of us can never hug jeff; he's on stage.

according to thurston moore:

"he thinks maybe barking dogs are laughing! he thinks maybe the world is some sort of kitten. he still thinks we're serious. word magic. and we're lucky he can sing it so sweet. "

jeff tweedy.

Laughs*

the greatest songs
are never sung
but the grass
gets cut
and spelled
in children's hands
how the sun is yellow
but also cold and sutured
...blue

the best laughs
never leave your lungs
and the best life
is art
never made

/life is brimming with anticipation and we're fueled by all the things that remain inside us.
i hate that there are people apologizing for caring for someone or feeling like those moments were wasted.

a phone conversation from last night left me feeling sad. longing for something. for a time when i never have to apologize. when WE never have to apologize for anything.

someday.

in the meantime there's jeff tweedy.
and wilco on thursday. maybe i will hug him.

xo michelle.

*this poem comes from a collection of jeff tweedy's poetry called adult head. it's published by ZooPress. you should probably go to your local independant book seller and buy it!

plink. plonk. plink. plonk.

i was just standing there.
smiling.
drunk.

realising how fucking lucky i am.

a year ago my life was COMPLETELY different.

it's amazing what a little time can do.

xo michelle.

edmitten ink. (the tattoo saga pt.___)

this isn't a repost from myspace. i just liked the title...

anyways, thus concludes the tattoo saga...for the time being. my sleeve is officially finished. sure, i'll need some touch ups in the next couple of months but that's it. it's done. the end of a fucking era or something...

admittedly, i'm kind of sad about it being finished. if nothing else it was something to look forward to. i remember back in october when it was an outline. i remember every step of the way and i'm changed because of it.

it's kind of embarassing but i'm tearing up a little because of it. i mean, i feel like it's made me a more confident person. not because it makes me feel all fucking hardcore or super punkrock or anything (because it doesn't) but because it makes me feel beautiful and by doing it i have forced people to look at me. it's made me the kind of person who doesn't mind people looking at her. or at least part of her. i'm not a confident person but i'm confident in my arm and my decision to get it done. and that's a big something.

also, i really really liked going to urge every month or so and hanging out with johnny for a few hours and just being sort of away from my life. there's something to be said for a relationship like that...it's like sex with a different kind of penetration. how could i have done this and loved it like i do had johnny not been such an awesome person. fuck how good he is at what he does, which he is, to me the kind of person he is is as important.

i'm just babbling at this point. i'm really really really happy with how it came together and how amazing it looks.

i guess i'll just have to start thinking about my back..

*smooch*
m.

good friend?

in case you were under some false impression that i might actually be a nice person i have something in writing to prove that i am not.

apparently instead i am :

a falsely-insured, self-involved, corporate patsy happy to let others suffer to prevent my subsidized lifestyle be put in even the slightest jeopardy.

so yeah...