fuck what you heard...

...people are rarely as they seem. i'm learning this on an almost daily fucking basis.

not the point.

over beers last night and emails today with a good friends it appears the general consensus on mood these days (with some happy exceptions) is that of confusion.

i'm blaming the weather. truthfully. i know it's the cliched right of all canadians to bitch about the weather but if we can't even count on the weather to be shitty how can we count on anything as tenuous as emotions or our feelings about something/someone?

so much has happened and so much changes with every step we take and with every day that passes. what we think we know doesn't exist more than 45 seconds later. the one thing that had always remained constant (albeit constantly shitty) was the weather.

the frozen prairie was our solace. we knew the days would be cold and the beer and our friends would warm us if we could bundle our hearts and blood up enough make it out of our houses. i go to leave my house and i don't even know what coat to wear...

this is melodramatic, i know. but i don't think it's without foundation. we are affected by the rotation of the earth and the sunshine and the clouds and the wind all of that...

i am having trouble with maintaining motivation and social skills. there are things being left unsaid left right and centre. there are misplaced tears and unused smiles. there are nights when i should have gone out but my television and drugs offered a closer and easier comfort.

i don't know where this is all going. i don't know what tomorrow holds for me. maybe drinks with friends and strangers and industrial electronica. maybe a skateboard post-rock auction. maybe a movie with old and new sisters. maybe all of it. maybe none of it.

but here's what i'm thinking, and maybe i'm wrong but i started this post in a weird head space and things are clearing up a bit...maybe we should learn to count on uncertainty. we long for certainty, for symmetry, for all of the things that make us feel balanced but maybe we should relish in uncertainty for just a moment. maybe we should take small joy in not knowing what coat to wear or who we'll see or who we'll love or who will fuck us over...

ready.

take a deep breath.

jump for joy right...

NOW!

did you do it? i did a little dance.

ok. i'm going to bed and back to being confused for the time being. maybe i'll take comfort in the certainty of confusion...

...or something.

xo michelle.