michelle vs. the schmooze

there exists something more than just heartbreak or love, anger or the absence of. all those or's are a scary thing.

i felt awkward so i left. that's what happens. i go back to a space, a place, an event i've left behind and it makes me awkward. i stick my foot in my mouth, forget my manners, and say things i might regret 21 seconds later. i tell people things they do not want to hear.

i could have gone to the blackdog. bumped into people, saw some friends but i decide against it. it's cold so i decide, instead, to take the bus home. we're all in the same boat on the bus; it's dark, it's cold amd we've got a bus pass or $2.25 ($2.25?!)

whenever i walk home down that street (my street) i always wonder: is tonight going to be the night i run into that person i'd rather not see? tonight i see him. only in passing (thank god)-i look down the alley and i realise how thankful i am to the bus driver who sat for two extra minutes with his feet on the steering wheel. seeing him tonight would only have reminded me that instincts often lead us down dangerous paths and suddenly a hug is a blow job and a quick fuck in a back alley or a longing for something i know i should never want. we all know there are times we want something we should never ever want. we made eye contact in the dark and i knew he knew it was me. he looked back as i did and i know he recognized my green shoes and awkward proportions.

in that skirt my legs look the same as they did wrapped around his torso.

getting called fat out of a car window and a fight when i walk in the door are really the perfect ends to such whole evening.

the schmooze 1, michelle 0.

xo