fear and self-loathing in edmonton

like the movie only this movie has nothing to do with drugs.

rock bottom though.

and hitting it. which i think i just did.

i was given an assignment for clowning: do contour and gesture drawings of all four sides of your face then strip naked and do the same for your entire body.

simple enough.

i did my face last week and it was fine. fun, actually; i found shadows i didn't know i had.

i did the naked part tonight. just now in fact. and i share this with you friends:

that was the single most humilating moment of my entire life and no one was around to point and laugh. i feel and look disgusting and i hate my body. i HATE it. i don't want it anymore. even my gorgeous tattooed arm looks shitty carpeted in a thick layer of fat.

i hate myself. i hate the way i look.

i'm not writing this because i want you all to feel sorry for me and leave me comments of support. i am writing this because i have to for myself.

things need to change. immediately. i never want to see my naked body ever again and i never want anyone to touch me ever again.

why on earth does my instructor think that's a good assignment?

clowns are suppose to think they are the centre of the universe and no one is more beautiful than them. i can't see how this is going to happen since i was forced to confront head on how completely disgusting i am.

i guess i'm posting this so you all can be privy to my humiliation or something...