beep beep beep beep beep

aside from the randomness of the title i have come to the following decision:

i am going to copy nigel and post some of my 'creative writing' adventure here in blog land for you, dear reader, to eviserate at will.

so, last summer i took a master class in playwriting with sharon pollack who, whilst batshit insane, is one of the most well-respected canadian playwrights. before the class began we had some writing assignments to do and one of them was a 'monologue for one person'...i got a little over-zealous and wrote three "public service annoucements for the theatre" so here is the first of the three.

Theatre: A Public Service Announcement #1

Ladies and Gentlemen, before we begin tonight’s performance of a play you paid to see I would like to make a few announcements. First, this is a non-smoking theatre, so please do not smoke. This play contains no intermission, as no intermission is needed. I assure you your nicotine cravings will not kill you between now and the end, whenever that may be. The play you are about to see deals with mature subject matter and may make you think; our humblest apologies. This play received very good reviews in earlier productions, and aside from its possible social implications, we felt that its previous positive responses may make us a lot of money. On that note, please do not fondle the person sitting next to you, whether you know them our not. It is important that you pay attention in theatre, otherwise how will you ever learn anything. Manual or oral stimulation is distracting the person giving it, the person receiving it and those who feel compelled to watch. I understand that the play you are about to see may be boring but that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the price you pay for being cultured.

Ladies and Gentlemen for your $35 this evening you will receive the following: 3 decent actors paid a criminally low wage and taught at expensive theatre schools across North America to perform for you like trained monkeys; stiff and sore legs from minimal leg room. We alone cannot be thanked for your lack of space. We must also thank the Canada Council for supplying us with our wonderfully inept operating budget, our artistic director for spending money on spa weekends to “restore her creativity” and to the fast food companies and marketers for making you all too fat to fit comfortably in your seats. You will also receive a heavy dose of banal realism fostered by absolutely no sense of aesthetic or social purpose and a sleeping and snoring neighbour who embarrasses you with each breath, whether you know them or not. Students, for your value price of $33 you will receive all of the above plus your own overblown sense of knowledge and critical prowess. We also offer theory readers in the lobby to assist you in demonstrating to all your inferior, non-theatre-going friends, how intelligent and educated you are. The book also offers a special CD for easy memorization of witty-isms for use at the dinner table. Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you again for attending this evening’s cultural event. You are already a better person. Enjoy the show and please feel free to email us any interesting feedback you may think you have. Thank you.

c'est tout!
michelle.