dear hipster assholes

dear hipster assholes,

this seems to be a common theme for me but i am just going to run with it.

there are two types of seriously shitty hipster, which are you?

1) the -i'm-too-cool-for-school-but-don't-know-shit type? or the 2) well-since-i've-heard-of-experimentalsupergroupx-i-must-be-better-than-you-and-will-make-sure-you're-aware-of-it type?

please decide before you read on because i will now refer to you by number (the definitions take too long to write out with all those hyphens). if you feel like you may fall into both categories for one reason or another you are SUPER asshole and should probably read both. if you are neither brand of asshole read both sections just for a laugh...you're allowed to laugh at a hipster, they've laughed at you.

dear hipster asshole number one.

remember the time we had that class together and you were talking to that guy with subpop stickers all over his water bottle about that band that was playing that night? well, i like that band and the moment arose so i spoke up,

'hey that experimentalsupergroupx show is going to be fuckin' aces tonight eh?'

and all you did was role your eyes and sigh loudly to the equally asshole-ish hipster with the subpop stickers all over his waterbottle.

look, sweetie, you know fuck all about me. you know fuck all about the authenticity of my punk experience and you're bleached out hair with it's ironic angula cut in no way make you better than me...

later tonight at the experimentalsupergroupx show we'll be in the same boat...actually we'll have both been kicked out of the same boat left to flail akwardly in the water while far too many hipster asshole number 2's point, with stella in hand, ironically and pretentiously laughing at us not missing a beat in there thrilling dialogue about the ironic commentary on post modern post hardcore the band about to take the stage is making with their black shirts they've painted white...

fuck you,
alice.

dear hipster asshole number 2

fuck you a little bit more.

ok, i will admit that my musical knowledge is not as well developed as yours. it never will be. you came out of the womb knowing more about music than i did. that is a given and i accept that. i also accept that you are far more 'hip' on the lastest in white belts and skinny ties and not only do you have ironic angular haircuts, you also provide them for people during the day. i also accept the fact that you will always look better in $300 jeans and stillettos. all of this is fuckin' cool by me...

what i will never understand is how all this makes you better than me. if i ask you about a band or attempt to engage in a tete-a-tete with you about the postmodern implications of neonewwave on a posthardcore/postpunk scene you should welcome my desire to converse...

if you shut me out your world will only get smaller and then you and the 16 guys in the neonewwave postpunk posthardcore band can sit around alone at the bar masturbating and talking about your new cool jeans and haircuts.

oh, and for all you music snobs who feel this category doesn't apply because you aren't into fashion...fuck you ever more because at least the hipsters who are into fashion aren't quite as singularly focused. get a fuckin' cool haircut and a great pair of jeans and you'll fit right in. oh and if you're worried that you're becoming a hipster don't...you already are one...

pppppppbbbbbbbbbbbbbttttt! (that's a spitting noise)
alice


now, you, dear reader, are probably thinking to yourself, 'alice, where is all this hostility coming from' or perhaps, 'yeah, fuck you right back...you're as much of a hipster as i am...' and i will admit that i have on a couple of occasions been accused of being a bit of a hipster but if i was anything it was a wanna-be...i long to be a hipster asshole number 2 but i can't do it...they won't accept me into their ranks...my knowledge base is too small...i exist on the fringes discovering bands weeks after it was cool to do so...it's always, 'that's so yesterday' for me...

so, where is the hostility coming from? well, hipster asshole number 1 is someone my sister encountered last week when she happened to share in this chicks excitement over the imminent performance of the weakerthans in our fair city...later she overheard this chick talking about what poseur the chick with the pink streaks (my sister) was...fuck that shit!

hipster assholes number 2 are my two musicians...one of whom i have a MASSIVE crush on...tonight they were going on and on about how edmonton audiences fail to see the irony of contemporary electronica...or something to that affect, and when i attempted to join the conversation (it was interesting and i have opinions about it...) they called a quick end to the conversation and made a quick exit...assholes...

and god did i want to be able to keep up with them....

i guess in some ways this is also an apology to all those i have been shitty too about their musical tastes...except that seb reflex asshole from myspace...i am not sorry to him...it fuckin' sucks! sorry...

xo alice.