is the glory in the victory...

...or in the battle?

i don't believe in war so who cares but then i was thinking...this is a fucking war isn't it? this life, making friends, finding lovers, being accepted, loved, whatever right? it's a war.

ok, ok, now i know i am sounding all melodramatic and i am melodramatic so whatever...deal with it.

a friend of mine and i were discussing this whole 'scene' thing. see, edmonton has a pretty fucking kick ass music scene...it's big and there are tonnes of really amazingly talented bands out there. with all that comes a LOT of hipster kids who, for the most part, are always really nice.

it's the girls that drive me to fits of awkward shyness...girls are terrible and judge each other like crazy...i do it too, we all do. shit, i'd be lying through my teeth if i said i didn't.

so in discussion with matt i started thinking, 'yeah, i should head down to victory lounge for cheap drinks tonight...hipster judging girls be damned' and then i reconsidered. i love going out dancing, going to shows and hanging out with friends and i have been lucky to have met some really fucking cool people in the past little while (matt included) but i don't think i am ready for victory lounge on a night without a band...i just don't know if i can do it.

it's funny because i was there a few weeks ago to see a show and i was with clarice and matt and matt's roommate and this chick came up who they all knew so her and i were introduced and she was cold...cold for the whole night...even later she came and sat back down and i smiled at her and she ignored me...it's not the boys kids, it's the girls.

but then this brings up an interesting thing for me because as much as i feel like this awkward outsider with sort of cool shoes to go along with my inexpensive (and therefore tragically uncool) jeans, i also sort of revel in it. i like that people recognize me but don't know me. that they look at me talking to these boys that they know and wonder about me. i like that they wonder...but i don't.

i'm rambling but i probably won't be going dancing. my cool shoes give me blisters and i forgot to bring band-aids when i moved.

m.